


Be Still and Go to Bed (Nobody Knows What Lies Ahead)

by BonitaBreezy



Category: Final Fantasy X
Genre: Auron's on a journey of self-discovery!, Character Study, Cunnilingus, Depression, F/M, Falling In Love, Rikku too, Suicidal Thoughts, a truly disgusting amount of ellipses, also I'm the worst at tags, and, background tidus/yuna - Freeform, background wakka/lulu, because there are also things like, final fantasy x-2 is acknowledged but also kinda handwaved in a lot of ways, hard hitting themes like life and how hard it and confusing it is!, life changing field trips, so I mean it's a mixed bag, there's also quite a bit of fluff and filler so don't let the plot get you down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-01-18 14:29:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 67,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12389970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonitaBreezy/pseuds/BonitaBreezy
Summary: “You should come with me,” Rikku said, apropos of nothing.“What?” Auron asked, stunned.“Come with me to Luca,” she said. “Get out of Besaid. See a little more of Sinless Spira, figure out what you’re gonna do with yourself. We both know you’re not going to find what you’re looking for here. You can stay with me until you figure out a new path.”Ten years after the beginning of the Eternal Calm, Auron finds himself alive on Spira once more.  With no explanations and no purpose, he embarks on a journey to find his place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all thanks for clicking the link despite that less than dazzling summary. I appreciate you giving me a chance.
> 
> So basically, three months ago I suddenly fell face-first into my FFX obsession from ten years ago, and subsequently became obsessed with my OTP of the time and I felt the sudden and pressing need to write something about them. This is what came out of that, and it's slowly but surely became my baby over the last few months. I'm really excited that it's finished and I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> The fic title is blatantly stolen from Be Still by the Killers

Auron had been back in Spira for two weeks.

He had no explanation as to how, or why. All he knew was that he had woken on the long road between the Calm Lands and Bevelle, in the same place that his body had finally given up on him and he’d collapsed into the dirt. The same place where he’d used his last breaths to beg Kimahri to complete his task for him: to go find Yuna and whisk her away to Besaid.

It wasn’t the first time he’d woken up in that same spot. When he had remembered his promise to Jecht and stubbornly clung to Spira, dragging his own pyreflies back together to form his body, he had woken up there as well. It had been convenient, to bypass Bevelle and hide out in Macalania woods until he had some semblance of a plan, patched together out of the bare knowledge Yunalesca had given him before she’d struck him down and what Jecht had told him about his Zanarkand.

But this time, it had been different. This time, when Auron woke up in that spot, he wasn’t unsent at all. He was a living, breathing human. The arm that had been damaged in his fight with Yunalesca--the one that had ached dully, deep in his bones, for the ten years he’d wandered Unsent--no longer pained him, no matter which way he moved it. It had well and truly healed, something he hadn’t been capable of doing as an Unsent. Or maybe something he hadn't allowed himself to do. 

Other than that, he had remained in much the same condition he’d been in when he’d been sent. He didn’t come back miraculously unscathed. The scar she had given him remained, bisecting his eye from the top of his forehead to the middle of his cheek and then down his chest. He had long since learned to work around his blindness, though, so it hardly bothered him.

What he was really having trouble wrapping his head around was why he was even there in the first place. He had willingly been sent.  He had embraced the idea of finally being able to rest. And sent he had remained, until he had woken up on that road once more, alive and well with no explanation, ten years later. It made him nervous. He didn’t like not knowing things, for one. But, more pressingly, he couldn’t help but feel like something was about to go horribly wrong. Why else would the Fayth restore him to life, unless there was something they needed him to do for them? People didn’t just come back from the dead every day.

At a loss for what else to do, he had made his way to Bevelle, and from there secured passage to Besaid, the only place he could be relatively sure he’d find someone he knew. He had been surprised to find not only Wakka, Lulu, Yuna, and Tidus there, but also their brood of children. They had received him with surprise and a little suspicion, but also warmth once they decided that he was genuinely who he said he was. It had surprised him, a little. He had held himself at a distance from all of them on Yuna’s pilgrimage, and though he had known Tidus for a long time, he had never thought of them as particularly close. Auron had kept too many secrets to be particularly close to anyone.

But they had welcomed him like family, which he supposed they all inevitably were. You couldn’t go through something like a pilgrimage together and not end up feeling irrevocably connected. They had sat around the bonfire at the center of the village that night, and he had told them everything he knew about the situation, which wasn’t much. They had all agreed that it was great news, but strange, and that they would have to keep their ears to the ground for anything suspicious.

And then they had just...fallen back into their lives. Nothing had come for him. No ominous rumblings had risen from the ether. No danger stirred on the horizon. He wasn’t visited by the Fayth, or what was left of them, and granted an epic quest he had to complete. He just...was.

It had been two weeks since Auron had returned to Spira, and he was going absolutely insane with restless boredom. He had taken to patrolling the road between the beach and the village for lack of something better to do. It let him keep his skills up and kept him from sitting around in the former Crusaders Lodge all day, banging his head against the floor for lack of something better to do. 

“Uncle Auron, Uncle Auron, help meeeeeee!” a little voice shrieked, accompanied by the sound of pounding feet on dirt.

Images of Wakka and Lulu’s six year old daughter Iris being chased by a fang flashed through his brain, and he turned at the ready to strike it down. Instead, he found her shrieking with laughter, being chased by her eight year old brother who was clumsily casting a water spell at her that was more a pitiful stream than the raging tidal waves of destruction their mother tended to cast.

He lowered his sword carefully away from them, relieved they weren’t actually in danger but frustrated with the hum of adrenaline that had burst under his skin and was now buzzing through his veins with nowhere to go. Iris didn’t seem to notice any of this. Instead, she leaped at him wrapping her arms around his middle and turning back to glare at her brother.

“Uncle Auron is safe,” she told him imperiously. 

Vidina looked doubtful about that, staring at them with narrowed eyes like he was considering hosing them both down, consequences be damned.

“We never said Uncle Auron is safe,” he retorted.

They had started calling him ‘uncle’ within days of his arrival, apparently sensing from their parents that he had been deemed family. He found he liked it a lot more than the title “sir” that others had saddled him with, even if it made him feel a little awkward sometimes. Tidus had found it hilarious, and had spent a few hours suggesting they call him ‘grandpa’ instead, until Lulu had reminded him with a dangerous smile that they were the same age, now. The idea had been dropped like a hot potato after that.

“Do your parents know you left the village?” he asked them, and the immediate, shifty-eyed guilt that came over both their faces told him that they absolutely did not. “Come along.”

It was a miracle they had gotten all the way up to the top of the hill without running into a single fiend. They were lucky, since that pitiful stream of water that Vidina was brandishing would have done very little to protect them. Auron started herding them back towards the village, picking up Iris by the back of her tunic and slinging her over his shoulder when she refused to let him go, clinging to his waist and dragging her feet as he walked. She giggled madly, her little legs flailing in front of him and her hands clinging to the back of his jacket.

“Are you gonna tell mommy?” Vidina asked fearfully.

“It’s dangerous for you to leave the village on your own,” Auron said, a non-answer.

“I’ve been learning magic!” Vidina insisted, forming another spray of water with a spastic flourish of hands. This one was more mist than anything else.

“And you’re doing very well,” Auron said. “But you’re not ready to take on any fiends on your own. What would you do if your sister was hurt because you were over confident?”

“We didn’t even see any fiends,” Vidina insisted, face going stubborn in a way that was so reminiscent of Wakka that it was almost chilling.

“That’s because I’ve been on the road all day dispatching them,” Auron informed him dryly. “You may not like or understand the rules that your parents set for you, but they do it to keep you safe. You have to follow them. Can you not play in the village?”

“We can,” Vidina said sulkily. “But…”

He trailed off, his face coloring slightly as he looked down at his bare toes.

“He wanted to go down to the beach to collect shells for Aunt Rikku because he  _ loves _ her!” Iris sang, kicking her feet again.

“Shut up!” Vidina hissed, his face getting even redder.

“It’s true,” Iris told Auron seriously. “He always blushes when she’s around and shows off…”

“Shut up!” Vidina yelled again, looking furious.

“And mommy just told us she’s coming tomorrow and he just had to go run off to the beach…”

“She likes the shells!” Vidina insisted, looking like he might cry. “She’s got a whole shelf of them in her room, I saw them!”

“Be that as it may, you’re not to leave the village without an adult,” Auron told them sternly.

They were about ten yards from the gates to the village when Wakka burst through them, looking panicked. His whole body seemed to deflate when he saw his children, unharmed but pouting.

“What d’you think you’re doing, disappearing like that?” he demanded. “You’re gonna give me a heart condition, ya?”

“We were with Uncle Auron the whole time!” Vidina insisted.

“Except for the time when you weren’t,” Auron corrected. 

He hefted Iris off his shoulder, depositing her into her father’s arms. They continued back towards the village, Wakka shooing his kids ahead of them and watching carefully as they ran back through the safety of the gates. 

“Thanks for bringing ‘em back, Si--Auron,” Wakka said, stumbling over the title. 

On the pilgrimage, Auron had allowed them all to call him Sir if they wanted. It had helped keep the distance, even if he hated the honorific. It felt so false to bear it, after earning it from allowing his friends to die in vain. Now, he could admit to himself, and to them, that these people were his friends and the closest thing he had to family. Having them call him by a title just seemed wrong. After two weeks, Wakka was the only one who still stumbled over it, but that was to be expected. He’d always been stubborn and slow to accept change.

“You're welcome,” he said. “Iris said they were going to the beach to collect shells for Rikku.”

“Ah,” Wakka said knowingly. “Vidina has a crush.”

“I didn't know she was coming,” he said. 

“Yuna made it sound kinda spur of the moment. I think she's coming to see you, ya?”

“Me?” Auron asked, surprised. 

He and Rikku had spent more time together on the pilgrimage than one might expect. He'd enjoyed her spunky attitude, her endless positivity, and the way she'd managed to keep melancholy from taking them all over once they'd passed the Calm Lands. He liked to think he'd helped make her a better fighter and a stronger person. She had certainly seemed to think of him as a mentor of sorts. She'd always had endless questions for him, and had often sought his approval on things. 

Still, she had been the youngest of their party, and he the oldest. Add that to his purposeful aloofness and it was fair to say that they hadn't been particularly close. He was surprised she would travel all the way to Besaid just to see him. 

“Well, yeah,” Wakka said like it was obvious. “You know how Rikku is.”

Apparently he didn't know how Rikku was at all, because it made very little sense to him, but Wakka offered no explanation and Auron wasn't sure he wanted to ask. He didn't get the chance, anyway, because they were interrupted by Lulu emerging from their hut, calling her family to come eat. 

“Would you like to join us, Auron?” she asked. “There’s plenty.”

“Not tonight,” he said. “I've already agreed to the dubious honor of eating Tidus’ cooking tonight.”

Wakka laughed loudly and clapped him on the shoulder. 

“Good luck with that, ya? We’ll save you something just in case.”

“I’d appreciate that,” Auron said gravely. 

With that, they headed inside to go eat, leaving Auron to his own devices. Of which there were none. He let out a heavy sigh, looked around the village and wondered, not for the first time, why he was even there. 

* * *

“Come on, Uncle Auron, come on!!” Iris said, tugging at his hand to try and force him to go faster. She’d taken quite a shine to him, though he wasn't totally sure why. 

“This is as fast as I can go,” Auron told her, ignoring the way Tidus snickered behind him.

“Nuh uh!” Iris insisted. 

“It is,” Auron said seriously. “I'm a very slow old man.”

“Not  _ that _ old,” Lulu insisted. “Thirty-five is a very respectable age.”

Auron didn't tell her that most times he felt much older than that, even if it was probably the closest approximation to years and experience he had. 

“We’ll give you slow, though,” Tidus said, snapping him out of his more melancholy thoughts. 

“We all have our strengths,” he said, because he couldn't argue that he wasn't  _ that _ slow when he was also trying to convince Iris to stop tugging on him. 

“Iris, stop being a nuisance,” Lulu said finally. “We’ll get to the beach when we get there. Rikku’s not even here yet.”

Iris pouted but let go of his hand. Instead, she headed over to her father to demand that he pick her up. Wakka obligingly put her up on his shoulders. 

“It will be good to see Rikku again,” Yuna said confidently. “It's been almost a year.”

“What's she been doing, anyway?” Wakka asked. “Not still sphere hunting?” 

“No,” Yuna said. “She was helping Gippal at the Machine Faction for a while, but I don't think she's doing that anymore. We haven't talked much.”

She trailed off, looking disappointed at that. Tidus clearly noticed, because he immediately went into damage control mode the way he always had. 

“Hey, it’s Rikku,” he reminded her. “I'm sure she's been getting herself into some crazy trouble and just hasn't had the time to call.” 

“And she knows you’ve been busy with Kyaa,” Lulu pointed out, gesturing to the pudgy toddler perched on Yuna’s hip. Her little fist was wrapped around Yuna’s long beaded earring, holding but not tugging. 

“‘On Ri-oo,” she added solemnly.

“That's right, baby girl, Aunt Rikku,” Tidus agreed. 

“Fiends,” Auron warned, keeping his eye on the fang prowling in the brush just off the path as well as the flan that had formed directly in front of them. 

All joking aside, he knew he was too slow to get the fang and that brute strength would get him exactly nowhere with the flan, so he stepped back with Yuna, Wakka, and the kids and let Lulu and Tidus handle the fiends. 

Even years out from Yuna’s pilgrimage, they dispatched the fiends with a quick and brutal efficiency, and soon they were back on their way to the beach. Vidina crowed the whole way about how he was just as good at magic as his mommy was and how next time they should let him fight, while Lulu tried to figure out how to praise her son’s progress while also discouraging him from going after any fiends. Luckily, she was saved by the loud roar of engines and the sight of an ostentatious red airship lowering down below the clouds.

“Aunt Rikku!” Vidina cried, immediately dashing off down the trail ahead of them.

“Put me down, Daddy, put me down!” Iris shrieked, beating her heels against Wakka’s chest.

“Nuh uh, I’m not gonna let you run off, too,” Wakka said. “C’mon let’s go catch up with your brother.”

He took off at a jog, Iris bouncing joyfully on his shoulders and shrieking with the laughter all the way. Lulu shook her head, but her smile was amused and fond, rather than the disapproving look Auron was so used to seeing on her face.

“C’mon, Slowpokes!” Wakka yelled over his shoulder.

“Slowpokes?” Tidus demanded, offended. He looked at Yuna, who grinned and then started running as well, toddler and all.

“Hurry up, slowpoke!” she called, making Tidus sputter and then chase after her.

“Oh, the children,” Lulu sighed affectionately, and Auron grunted in agreement. 

They chose to walk the rest of the way to the beach to retain some sense of dignity, though Auron was also of the opinion that running was terrible and should only be done when running for one’s life. He much preferred a long, purposeful stride.

Even keeping their same pace, they only made it to the beach a few minutes after the others. Rikku was already there, cooing at Kyaa in her arms with Vidina and Iris attached to each leg. He knew it was a little ridiculous, but he was surprised to see her looking so grown up. Obviously a lot of time had passed; she wasn’t fifteen anymore. But somehow he’d still expected to see that brave girl who had resigned herself to going against all of her beliefs to try and save her cousin.

Instead, he was looking at a woman. She was still clearly Rikku, of course. She had the same golden blonde hair, though it was much longer, gathered along one side against her skull in a fat braid with the rest scooped into a high ponytail. She still wore a pair of ever-present goggles, pushed up on top of her head rather than hiding her spiraled green Al Bhed eyes. Her face still held the same shape, but it had lost the last of it’s childish curve. 

Her body still small and quick, built for slipping into small spaces and snatching whatever she could get her greedy fingers on, but she was clearly stronger. Her arms had actual muscle definition, and the orange crochet crop top she wore revealed that her stomach was toned with muscle, rather than just the soft surface of a girl who was naturally skinny. When she turned to hand Tidus his daughter, the thin straps that tied her shirt on did nothing to hide the definition of her back, either. She had truly grown up, and become a strong, capable woman. It was almost disconcerting to see.

He realized then that he was staring, probably inappropriately so, and he tore his gaze away from her. They landed instead on Lulu, who raised a single eyebrow at him questioningly. He rolled his eye at her and she smirked.

“Hiya, Boss!” Rikku said finally, tearing herself away from the clingy hug she’d trapped Yuna in and turning to look at Auron. He’d forgotten how she called him Boss, chipper and only slightly mocking. “Look at you, back from the dead!”

She stepped up and threw her arms around his neck, totally unabashed. He hesitated only slightly before he returned the gesture, patting her bare back gently three times before pulling away. He wasn’t much for physical affection, and being hugged when he wasn’t expecting it while surrounded by people was jarring to say the least. He hadn’t even hugged Tidus, who he had known since he was a boy. But the Al Bhed as a people were much more physically affectionate than your standard Yevonite, so Auron brushed the gesture off as a cultural clash.

“Tactful as always, I see,” Auron said, and Rikku grinned sunnily at him.

“You’ve met my Pops. You know I never had a chance. And anyway, you’re one to talk! You haven’t changed  _ at all _ . Except you’re shorter.”

“I am not,” Auron protested, immediately hearing the way it made him sound like a whining teenager.

“I don’t know,” Rikku said thoughtfully. “Just that in my memory you were always so big. Now you’re just man-sized.”

“That sounds more like a problem with your memory than with my height,” Auron informed her. She shrugged, all dramatic shoulders and flailing hands.

“Well,” she said. “Big or not, it’s really good to have you back, Boss.”

“It’s good to be back,” he said, and for a moment, he almost felt like he was telling the truth.

* * *

He spent a few hours on the beach watching Rikku play with the kids and Tidus and Wakka toss a blitzball back and forth, sitting with Lulu and Yuna as they chatted and sunned. He participated in the conversation when prompted, but for the most part just sat there and experienced the sensations of being alive. The hot sun shining down on them had made him ditch his jacket within the first hour, and the sensation of the warm rays on his skin was nice. Combined with the breeze off the water and the smell of salt from the ocean, it was enough to have him mostly at peace for a while. For a time he was content to listen to Yuna and Lulu talk about mundane family things and the joyful shouts of their children being chased through the sand by a giggling Rikku. And then, suddenly, he wasn’t.

It was like a flip switched in his brain, and the serenity and relaxation of an afternoon on the beach left him. Suddenly the sun was too hot, the children were shrieking, and he wanted nothing more than to be alone. He got abruptly to his feet, brushing the sand from his clothes, and collected his sword.

“Are you alright?” Yuna asked, her face set with so much concern and compassion that it almost made him feel guilty for his mood.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I just...need to get out of the sun.”

“Okay,” she said, earnest and sweet. “We’ll see you back at the village, then?”

He answered with a sort of non-committal grunt and made his way off the beach, frustrated by the way his heavy boots sunk into the sand with each step. Frustrated by every little thing, really. He was annoyed, and also annoyed with himself for being annoyed. He knew he was being unreasonable, and that there was no point in being in a foul mood. It certainly wasn’t productive, and he didn’t even really have any good reason to be. He just was. He didn’t usually let small things bother him; there were more important things to focus on than getting upset about things he couldn’t control anyway. But now, every little thing irked him, and that made him mad. And then he felt unreasonable for getting mad, which in turn made him even madder.

By the time he was crossing under the waterfalls on the cliff, he had worked himself into quite a mood, and he had absolutely no desire to go back to the village and be surrounded by the friendly Besaid residents with their thick accents and familiar address. He just wanted to be alone. So instead of turning down the path to the village, he went right. It lead off towards a small waterfront and an overgrown path that had once lead directly through the middle of Besaid’s machina city. Now, of course, it was all crumbling ruins and overgrown jungle, but it seemed like just the right place for him to avoid seeing anyone, so he clomped his way furiously through the undergrowth. He walked until he came across a huge chunk of machina that looked like it had once been the dome of a building. It was covered in vines and half tilted sideways, but it looked sturdy enough, and it was was deep and cast a large shadow. He ducked under it, keeping an eye out warily for fiends that might be using it as a den. He was pleased to find it empty.

He settled down on the ground, sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him and his sword across his lap. Now that he was here and alone, he wasn’t really sure what he intended to do. But it was quiet and peaceful and the birds didn’t sound like harpies and the gentle crash of the waves in the distance sounded soothing once more, so he settled in. If a little peace with his thoughts was all he got out of this endeavor, then he might have to count that as good enough.

* * *

The last thing he was expecting was for any of them to come looking for him, but come looking Rikku did. Nearly two hours after he had escaped from the beach, the tell-tale rustling of undergrowth--too purposeful to be an animal or a fiend--reached his ears. He sighed and tried to decide whether he was okay with this or not, and then figured ultimately it didn’t matter because it was happening.

“Hey, Auron!” Rikku chirped cheerfully, ducking under the low edge of his shelter.

“Rikku,” he greeted. He’d sunk down onto his back to stare at the intricate paint work still clinging to the top of the ruins, protected from the elements by merit of them having partially collapsed. His head was pillowed comfortably on what had once been his bad arm.

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t eaten by any fiends,” she said. 

“Eaten by fiends,” he snorted derisively. “I’ve been fighting fiends since before you were born.”

“Well, yeah,” she agreed. “But with the whole dead-for-ten-years thing I figured you’re probably out of practice.”

Apparently she took his responsiveness as an invitation to join him, and he was surprised to find that he wasn’t really adverse to the idea. The whole point had been to be alone, but he’d had his two hours of silence and self-reflection, so maybe that was enough for now. Besides, Rikku was not an easy person to shake off, once she’d dug her heels in about something. Their stay in the Thunder Plains all those years ago was proof enough of that. She plopped down in the grass next to him, folding her legs under her in a way that made his own knees ache with jealousy, and leaned back on her hands.

“There you go with that tact again,” he said, eliciting another grin from her.

“Does it bother you to talk about it?” she asked. 

Auron paused and thought about that for a moment. Did it bother him? Before, when he had been unsent, it had bothered him endlessly. It was just one more proof of his failure. He couldn’t protect Braska and Jecht from their pointless demise, and he couldn’t even avenge them. He had even almost failed to fulfill the last oaths he had made to them, because he was so foolhardy and reckless that he’d gotten himself killed.

He’d had to keep his death a secret, because he had too much to do before he could be sent, and no well-meaning summoner worth their salt would allow an unsent to do as they pleased. Not to mention that it was certainly a mood killer. Before, the only people who had known about his status had been himself and Kimahri, and maybe Rin. He’d told Tidus, eventually, aware that he had to be handled carefully. Tidus was brash and impulsive, but he was also a lot more sensitive than he liked to admit. If he had found out at a vital moment, it could have gone badly for all of them. But Auron was a man who liked to keep his secrets close to his chest, and three could keep a secret if two were dead.

“It doesn’t bother me,” he decided finally. “It is what it is. But I’d rather it not get out, if at all possible.”

“Well, we never really gave official word on what happened to you guys,” Rikku said, frowning thoughtfully. “Yuna just...brushed over it, said you and Tidus were gone, and we followed her lead. Everyone probably assumed you’d died in the battle, but when they see you around again I guess it’ll be obvious that you didn’t. They’ll probably just figure you’re a hermit that popped up for air again. You know...looking exactly the same as you did ten years ago.”

“Most won’t even question it,” he assured her. “Unless someone frequently and loudly talks about how dead I was.”

“Right,” Rikku said, scrunching her face up apologetically. “But it’s just you and me right now, right?”

“I suppose that’s true,” he acknowledged.

“And it doesn’t really bother you to talk about it, right?” she asked.

He hesitated before warily saying, “Right.”

“So,” she said, drawing out the vowel in question.

He finally turned his head to look at her fully and immediately regretted it. She had propped her elbows on her thighs and her chin in her hands and was looking at him with her green eyes as wide as she could muster. He suspected he knew exactly what she was going to say and, since he was apparently a glutton for punishment, he sighed and said, 

“So, what?”

“So, what was it like?” she asked. “Being dead.”

“Quiet,” he told her irritably. “Peaceful.”

“But really,” she insisted, leaning forward far enough that her long hair swept over her shoulder and brushed the ground. “Like I know this is super personal and if you really don’t want to talk about it, I’ll back off, but you’re the only person I know who has been sent and then come back, so you have a pretty unique perspective.”

She dropped the begging puppy dog eyes and just looked at him seriously, and it was that more than anything that made him keep talking. Rikku was a friend. She wasn’t out to get him, or use his knowledge against him. What she was was genuinely curious and a bit too blunt for her own good. He could handle that.

“Being unsent was hard,” he said. That was something he didn’t even have to think about: it was the simplest and most concise answer there was. “It was a constant battle. I stayed because I had things I had to do, but I could always hear the Farplane calling to me in the back of my brain. Even when I was in Zanarkand, I could feel it tugging at my edges, telling me to let go. It was tempting. Other times, it was a battle to keep my mind.”

“You mean, you could have turned into a fiend?” she asked. “Like Lulu’s summoner in Yojimbo’s cave?”

“Yes,” Auron admitted. “Anger is a very strong emotion, and sometimes it’s hard to keep it down. For an unsent, that’s dangerous. It can easily be the turning point.”

“So that’s why you were always so,” she paused to put on a deep voice and a heavy scowl, “‘Guard your emotions, then guard your summoner!’?”

“That’s just sound advice,” Auron said, more amused by her imitation than offended.

“Yeah,” Rikku admitted. “I used it a lot.”

“Did you?” Auron asked, faintly surprised. From what he remembered, Rikku’s emotions were always loud and blatant for anyone to see.

“Well, yeah,” she said. “I was walking my cousin to her death. I was fifteen, I’d never been away from my dad that long before, and I was terrified the whole way through. I was surrounded by Yevonites, one of which did nothing to try and hide how much he hated me. I don’t think I’d have made it much past that first fight with Seymour if I hadn’t heard you say that. It was...inspiring, you know?”

“You hid it well,” Auron praised. “You kept everyone smiling, even when Wakka was being boneheaded and cruel.”

“Yeah, well,” Rikku said dismissively. “That’s what I do.”

“Hm,” Auron responded thoughtfully.

“Do you...remember anything after you were sent?” she asked. “On the Farplane?”

“Not really,” Auron admitted. “Things aren’t the same there. Occasionally, I think I’d get flashes of awareness. I have a vague memory of seeing Braska and Jecht, at first, but I could have been hallucinating.”

“Oh,” Rikku said, sounding disappointed.

“Why?” he asked. “I thought the Al Bhed didn’t believe in consciousness after sending?”

“Well, we don’t, but that steadfast belief is a little harder to hold on to when you’ve seen the things I’ve seen. Yuna told you about Vegnagun?” When he nodded, she pressed on, “Well, when we were in the Farplane fighting, I could have sworn I heard your voice.”

“Me?” he asked, surprised. If he had to guess at any voices of the dead calling out to her, his would have been one of the last.

“Yeah,” she said. “Remember, on the pilgrimage, you always knew everything. You’d figure out patterns and point out weaknesses before anyone else, and I swore when we were fighting Vegnagun I could hear you doing just that. It was comforting.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling oddly touched. “I don’t remember anything like that.”

“Well, maybe it was just wishful thinking,” she said. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, and nothing makes you feel like you can accomplish anything like knowing you have that kind of power at your back. Real or not, I think it helped.”

Silence fell between them, then, as it often did when Auron was involved. He wasn’t much of a talker, after all. Awkward silences were something he was used to, but not from Rikku. She had an uncanny ability to fill every and all silences with an endless sort of chirping babble. But this silence wasn’t awkward, and Rikku didn’t seem determined to fill it with words. Instead, she tilted her head back and looking up at the darkening sky through the large fissure in the steel above them.

“You know,” she said after a few minutes. “I happen to know that this is the best place on Besaid to watch the sunset from.”

“Is that so?” he asked.

“Uh huh,” she confirmed. “How’s your climbing?”

“Not bad,” he said, thinking of all the times he’d found himself sitting on the ledges of high buildings in Zanarkand, watching the people pass by below and the swirling edges of the dream’s end in the far distant sky.

“Then, come on, up we go.”

He followed her, amused, all the way out from under the ruin and up it’s side, until they sat at the crest of it, high above the ground. She was right about the view; their height brought them up over the tallest of trees, giving them an unobstructed view of the sun setting behind the ocean, the sky painted pink and orange and red as the light died.

It reminded him of Zanarkand; both the dream and the real thing.

“Pretty, right?” Rikku asked, nudging his side, somehow unerringly managing to dig her bony elbow in the fleshy gap between the straps of his armor.

“Yes,” he grunted in response, staring out over the water. “Pretty.”

* * *

Rikku stayed in Besaid for a week.

Her presence there was uplifting for all of them, breaking the norm of day to day life with little adventures to the beach to find the perfect fan-shaped shell or diving contests in the lagoon to retrieve brightly colored coral pebbles that she whittled into beads for the kids to thread in their hair.

She was bright and vibrant and full of life, and Auron found even his own melancholy spirits lifted by her presence. It was hard to dwell on his uncertainties when she was busy laughing, tugging him along on her adventures with the children and talking him into late nights around the campfire with the adults, talking about anything and everything that came to mind. 

She’d even talked him into the water at the beach so that she and the kids could climb up onto his shoulders and leap out into the open water. He’d never learned how to swim, and built sturdy and heavy as he was, he was likely to sink like a stone before he could relax enough to let the natural buoyancy of his body take over. Even so, he’d found himself standing at the precipice where the sea floor dropped off into deep, open water, wet up to his shoulders and launching squealing children into the clear blue depths just because she had asked.

There was something about her, the way she somehow always managed to find a bright side in every situation, that made the days seem less long and pointless. She gave him something to focus on, something to do, that wasn’t just wallowing in his uncertainties and frustration. She helped him keep his brain occupied, always asking her needling questions and showing him something she’d learned. She’d spent a whole afternoon impressing him with the sword skills she’d picked up and asking for his advice on improving.

It was during the nights, after they’d all turned in to bed, that his thoughts turned back to darker paths, creeping into his brain and keeping him awake. It all hissed through his brain like a movie sphere of every stupid decision he’d ever made in his life: his devotion to Yevon, allowing Jecht and Braska to give their lives for nothing more than false hope, trudging back up Gagazet, alone and furious, only to be struck down for his trouble. All the lives that had been lost, families torn apart, because he had never been able to figure out the answer to defeating Sin on his own weighed heavy on his mind.

Most of all, though, he struggled with what exactly he was still doing on Spira. He had made his mistakes, and then he had spent ten years of hell and pain and struggle making up for them. He had watched over Tidus, he had brought him and Yuna together, and he had lead them all to Zanarkand so that they could see Yevon’s mask crumble apart at their feet. He had helped free Jecht and Spira from Sin’s clutches. He had done what he needed to, pushed through even when the Farplane clawed desperately at the edges of his brain and the strain of keeping his form physical had almost grown to be too much. He had kept his promises, even with the aching phantom pain that wracked his body daily for ten years; desperately trying to fend off the death it was sure it was experiencing even long after death had claimed him. He had finally, blissfully, been allowed to let go and rest.

And now, here he was, staring up at the patterned fabric ceiling of the crusader’s lodge in the middle of the night, listening to the sounds of buzzing insects and the rustling sleep of the other people sharing his accommodations. After several hours of sleep eluding him, he finally grew so frustrated that he practically fought his way out from between the sheets and made his way out into the center of the village.

It was so late that the last stragglers had long-since gone to bed, dousing the bonfire and leaving the village in pitch blackness, lit only by the moon and stars. Luckily, there were plenty of stars to light his path, and he made his way to the temple with a single-minded focus. He had avoided it thus far, seeing no reason to venture inside where only the memories of his long-dead friends would remain, but now it seemed to be the obvious place to go to demand answers.

The temple was just as empty as the village had been, even emptier than he had expected. He knew, logically, that the fayth were gone. He had helped kill them himself, had watched them be sent. He had been sent with them. Still, the utter silence that met him as he came through the door left him feeling almost bereft. He had lost his faith in Yevon and the teachings a long, long time ago, but the Hymn of the Fayth had always made him feel calm and relaxed, even in the most dire straits. To walk into a temple and not be washed with the soothing melody was almost painful, in a way.

On a more literal note, the New Yevon priests had long-since gone to bed, leaving the public chamber of the temple empty. There was no one to try and stop him as he ascended the stairs to the Cloister of Trials. Not, he thought with grim certainty, that anyone could have stopped him had they tried.

With the Fayth magic gone, the Cloister hadn’t reset itself and it lay open for him to make his way through as he pleased. The lift at the end carried him down without protest, and even the door the Chamber itself was left wide open. He wasn’t ready for the gaping hole in the floor, even though he had been told about it. It just looked so...wrong. A vital piece of the temple ripped out and left open, like a raw, gaping wound. It drove it home, that the Fayth were well and truly gone. Still, he had no other ideas, so he sat at the edge of the edge of the hole and asked the room at large,

“Why am I here?”

His voice echoed around the chamber and down the hole into the blackness, but he received no answer.

“I don’t understand,” he said anyway, staring down into the abyss. “I did what I was supposed to. I completed my mission. I was at peace. So  _ why am I here _ ?”

He yelled the last part, the words bursting forth from him in a fit of rage and desperation, reverberating off the walls and coming back to him tenfold. But still, no answer rose from the darkness of the abyss. He wasn’t sure why he had expected one to. 

The Fayth had never provided any answers to him before. They’d sat back and let his friends die. They’d let him stew over it for ten years, fretting and tied up tight with pain and anger and anxiety in the dream that they had created, trying to live a normal, Sinless life until the time came to return to Spira. They had come when Braska and Yuna called; they had lent the summoners their power. But they had offered no real help to Auron, who had spent years driving himself to madness to try and figure out how to free them. Auron was the first to admit that he was manipulative and tight-fisted with his secrets, but he had nothing on the Fayth.

“If you lean any further, you’re gonna fall right down into the Farplane,” Rikku spoke up from behind him, startling him so badly that he almost did fall. 

She made a squeaking noise and grabbed at his jacket, as if she could help pull him back. More likely, his weight would drag them both down into the pit. But that’s just how Rikku was: reckless and loyal to a fault. Luckily, Auron caught himself and sat back, sparing them both from a long drop.

“Unless that’s what you’re trying to do,” she said, quietly. “Get back to the Farplane the hard way? Or...the easy way?”

“No,” Auron said, truthfully. “I wouldn’t do that.”

She settled down next to him, wrapping her arms around her knees and tucking them closely against her chest.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked.

“Screaming into the void,” he answered dryly, trying to pass off the truth as a joke. She saw straight through him, though, and bit her lip.

“The Fayth aren’t here anymore,” she told him. “The temple is dead. You won’t get your answers here.”

“I don’t think I’ll get my answers anywhere,” he said. “The Fayth don’t deign to speak to the likes of me.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Rikku snorted softly. “I know Yunie is all pure of heart and stuff, but it would be nice if us regular guys could get a leg up from the Powers That Be every once in awhile, wouldn’t it?”

He grunted at her, unable to come up with the words for a legitimate answer. Luckily, though, she accepted that as one.

“You’re absolutely miserable here,” she told him, as if he didn’t already know.

“They’ve all been very good to me,” he said, which wasn’t really an answer. She understood him anyway.

“But it’s all so...domestic,” she said. “They’ve settled into post-Sin lives. And…I guess that’s good, right? That’s what we fought for. But I feel so…”

“Incomplete,” he finished for her. “I’ve spent my whole life at war…”

“It’s hard to just be a regular person after what we’ve seen and done,” she agreed. “Everyone says I’m flighty, because I haven’t ‘settled down’ yet. But...I’m only twenty-five, you know? I’ve got a whole Sinless life ahead of me and I don’t want to just settle down. I want to be out there, doing something. Anything. Everything.”

“That sounds exhausting,” Auron admitted to her.

“It can be,” she acknowledged. “But it’s a hell of a lot better than the daily crawl of Besaid. Or living at Home under Pop’s watchful eye while he moans about how short my shorts are or why I haven’t found a husband to make an honest woman of me yet.”

“So, what do you do, then?” Auron asked. 

“Whatever seems interesting at the time,” she shrugged. “Home base is in Luca, but sometimes I do digs on Bikanel for Gippal, or act as a guide on the Djose Highroad for merchants. Occasionally I’ll pick up a sphere hunt here and there, just for the fun of it. I just...I’m not ready to sit still yet. Not when there’s suddenly a whole wide future that’s mine for the taking.”

“I’ve never been rootless like that before,” Auron told her, overtaken by a sudden surge of honesty. “I’ve always had a goal. I’ve always known where I was going, even if I didn’t always know how to get there.”

“It’s exhilarating,” Rikku told him, and the way she said it, with a breathless grin, he almost believed her. “And terrifying sometimes. But it’s exactly what I need right now.”

“And what will you do when there’s nowhere left to go, and nothing new left to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I’ll figure it out when I get there.”

He shot her a disbelieving look, unsettled by her blase attitude towards it all. Just barrelling forward into the darkness with no road signs and no clue as to what was coming didn’t seem like an enjoyable existence at all. Frankly, it sounded ill-advised at best.

“You should come with me,” she said, apropos of nothing.

“What?” Auron asked, stunned. 

“Come with me to Luca,” she said. “Get out of Besaid. See a little more of Sinless Spira, figure out what you’re gonna do with yourself. We both know you’re not going to find what you’re looking for here. You can stay with me until you figure out a new path.”

Auron hesitated for a long moment, his voice stuck in his throat. Leaving Besaid meant that he was taking unguided steps towards an uncertain future. It was, frankly, terrifying to consider. But he had no other options, did he? He could stay in Besaid forever. Live out the rest of his life there in obscurity until the Fayth finally deigned to tell him what he was there for.

Or, he could go out into the world and try and find it. 

“Think about it,” Rikku urged, pushing herself to her feet. 

She patted him firmly on the shoulder and took her leave, out of the chamber and back through the cloister, leaving him with his thoughts, of which there were many. He heaved a long, heavy sigh and looked back down into the hole, unsure of what the best answer really was.


	2. Chapter 2

Though he thought about it well into the night, Auron was fairly positive that he had made his decision within minutes of Rikku asking him. There was nothing for him in Besaid, but plenty of potential on the mainland. It only made sense that he should go there. Perhaps he wasn’t as willful and carefree as Rikku, but he suspected that he was much closer to that than he was to the simple domestic bliss the others had achieved. So really, it only made sense to go with her.

He mulled this over for hours in the Chamber of the Fayth--and then again after he woke up exhausted late in the morning--but he kept coming back to the same conclusion. So when Rikku caught his eye from across the village as he emerged from the lodge, he nodded. She shot him a double thumbs up, her grin bright, and he rolled his eyes and ducked his head so that she wouldn’t see the smile her reaction brought to his lips.

She waved him over with an excited flail of hands, but he shook his head and headed in the direction of Tidus and Yuna’s hut instead. Inside, Tidus was trying to convince Kyaa that she wanted to eat the slice of fruit he was brandishing at her, but she looked utterly unconvinced.

“Come on, baby girl,” he cooed, taking a bite himself and smiling encouragingly at her, “you liked it yesterday.”

“No!” Kyaa told him empathetically. “Doos.”

“This is what juice is made of,” Tidus wheedled, looking up and glaring when Auron started laughing.

“Good morning!” Yuna said brightly, turning away from the breakfast she was cooking to greet him.

“What are you laughing at?” Tidus demanded sullenly.

“Just appreciating karma,” Auron said. “Isn’t it frustrating when you try to get someone to do something for their own good and all they do is stubbornly refuse?”

“Shut up,” Tidus retorted, glaring at him. 

“What brings you by this morning?” Yuna asked. “Surely not trading barbs with Tidus.”

“No,” Auron confirmed. “I just…”

“Sit down,” Yuna ordered, splitting the food onto three plates and setting one down in front of an empty seat.

“Thank you,” he said, slightly amused by her aggressive mothering. 

He sat as instructed and turned his attention to cutting his fish while Tidus returned to trying to convince his daughter to eat. He let Yuna sit down and eat a few bites before he answered her question.

“I’ve decided that I’m going to leave with Rikku today,” he told them, reaching for the fruit juice.

“What?” Tidus squawked, while Yuna nodded knowingly and said, “I suspected as much.”

“You suspected?” Tidus demanded.

“Well, not that he’d be leaving with Rikku, exactly, but I knew he wasn’t going to stay forever,” she said nonchalantly. “Besaid is too small and slow for someone who spent most of their life in a city like Bevelle.”

“I grew up in Zanarkand and I like Besaid just fine,” Tidus retorted.

“But you have things to keep you here,” Yuna pointed out. “The Aurochs, your family…”

“We’re his family…”

“Tidus,” Auron spoke up, using that same no-nonsense voice he’d used on him for years. It almost always got him to stop talking and listen. It didn’t fail him this time. “You are my family. And I appreciate you taking me in and welcoming me here when I turned up unexpectedly after ten years…”

“We’ll always take you in if you need us to,” Yuna said quickly, shooting her pouting husband a glare. “After everything…”

“I appreciate that,” he told her. “I don’t want either of you think that I don’t. But I…”

“You’ve got to figure out what to do now,” Yuna said knowingly. “Having to live life without the path you always expected to follow is hard.”

“Yes,” Auron said, shocked by the realization that he and Yuna might have more in common than he thought.

“I can tell you from experience that Rikku is pretty good at helping you figure it out,” she assured him. “But I hope you’ll come by and see us occasionally.”

“Of course,” Auron assured her. “We are family.”

“‘Right,” she agreed cheerfully.

Tidus didn’t seem as okay with the situation as Yuna did, so as they finished eating, he cast her a pointed glance. She nodded and got up from her seat with purpose, plucking Kyaa out of her chair as she headed for the door.

“I cooked, so you can clean up,” she told them, and without another word went out the door, leaving them alone.

Tidus didn’t say anything, just gathered up the dishes and took them to the water basin in the corner of the tiny kitchen. He dumped them in, pumped the water, and began scrubbing furiously.

“Tidus,” Auron spoke up, approaching him from behind. “You’re upset.”

“I’m fine,” Tidus snapped.

“Obviously,” Auron retorted dryly. “Why does this bother you so much?”

“I don’t know,” Tidus grumbled, his shoulders slumping. “You just got here.”

“Yes,” Auron agreed, and then he waited.

“And...you were gone. And my old man is gone. And...I love Yuna. I love Kyaa. And Wakka and Lulu and Spira and Besaid. But…you’re the only part of Zanarkand, my childhood, that I have left. I know you’re from Spira, but you were there. You know.”

“I do know,” Auron said.

“I know it wasn’t real,” Tidus said. He didn’t look away from the dishwater, didn’t lift his head, but Auron could tell that he was on the verge of tears, if he wasn’t crying already. “But it was real to me.”

“It was real enough,” Auron agreed.

“And you’re the only one who knows,” Tidus said. “Who really knows. I can mention Lucky Luc’s Ice Cream Shop and you know exactly what I’m talking about, because you took me there after I got full marks in school when I was ten. You didn’t really raise me, but...I always knew you were looking out for me. You’re the closest thing to a parent I ever had. And then you were dead, and now you’re alive again, and this whole thing is just so weird and confusing for me, and now you’re leaving again.”

“I know,” Auron said, trying for soothing, but he’d never been very good at being comforting. “It’s frustrating and confusing for me too. That’s why I have to go.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tidus grumbled, sniffling. “And I know it’s not the same. You’re not going somewhere unreachable this time. I just...missed you, I guess.”

Auron was almost surprised to hear all of this. He’d always been fond of Tidus, even when he was a boy and driving him up the wall with his recklessness and his bad attitude. But it was hard not to be, when he could see so much of Jecht in him. When he could see that he was genuinely good and caring, and that he had a kind heart, even when he was being stubborn and foolhardy. He’d just never really realized that Tidus was equally fond of him. He’d had the boy’s trust, that he knew for sure. But he’d never really thought of himself as someone Tidus would miss.

He couldn’t come up with any words to respond to that. He’d never been good with emotions. Not his own, and especially not anyone else’s. Instead, he just clapped his hand on Tidus’ shoulder and hoped that would be comfort enough. Apparently it was, because Tidus nodded and swiped the tears from his eyes.

“You better go say goodbye to Vidina and Iris,” he said, his voice a little thick. “They’ll be crushed you’re going.”

“I’ll do that,” Auron said. He dropped his hand and left without another word, giving Tidus time to collect himself.

* * *

The airship arrived just past noon, disrupting the soothing sounds of the beach with a roar of engines. The kids, who had mostly calmed down from their waterworks at Auron’s earlier announcement, immediately started wailing again.

“Oh c’mon, guys!” Rikku chirped, wrapping an arm around Vidina’s shoulders and pulling him close against her side. “We’ll be back before you know it!”

“But you don’t have to go at all!” Vidina wailed, pressing his face into her stomach.

“If we never go, how will you miss us?” Rikku asked.

“Why do we have to miss you?” Iris demanded, wrapping herself around Auron’s middle as if that would keep him from leaving. It was amusing, because her arms were too short to even fully wrap around him, but he patted her dark hair anyway.

“Well, how will you truly appreciate our greatness if you’re too used to it?” Rikku asked. “My pops always used to tell me,  _ ‘Rikku, ypcahla sygac dra raynd knuf vuhtan! _ ’”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Tidus translated, and then snorted. “Are you sure he didn’t just tell you that to get you out his hair?”

“So not the point,” Rikku scowled, and then turned her attention back to the kids. “ _ The point  _ is that me and Auron have to go, but we love you very much and we’ll be back before you know it. Okay?”

“Promise?” Iris asked through watery eyes.

“Promise!” Rikku said. “Right, Auron?”

He grunted in some facsimile of an agreement, not wanting to encourage them to demand an exact date and time for their return. Iris apparently decided that was good enough, because she hugged him tighter for a moment and then let go.

_ “Rikku!” _ a voice yelled from the ship’s intercom system.  _ “Kad y suja uh, fa tuh'd ryja ymm tyo!” _

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, we’re coming!” she yelled back.

“Tell Brother we said hello,” Yuna said, smothering a smile behind her hand.

“I will, but you should know he still hasn’t fully forgiven you for marrying someone else,” Rikku said.

“Still?” Tidus asked, looking disappointed. “I thought after that blitzball match we had last year he’d finally gotten over it.”

“Brother is not a creature of logic or sanity,” Rikku informed him, shrugging. As if to prove her point, the intercom crackled again, followed by a long, loud,

“RIKKU!”

“We’re coming!” she yelled, stomping her foot and scrunching up her face in annoyance. “Hold your chocobos!”

“You’d better go before he hurts himself,” Lulu said, accepting the big hug that Rikku threw her way. Auron chose to stick with a shake of the hand or a nod of the head instead, even for the children who giggled at the seriousness of it and shook his whole arm vigorously.

And then they were heading up into the ship. Rikku danced at the edge of the ramp, waving her arms in wide arcs and calling out goodbyes until it closed firmly and sealed with a sort of sucking noise.

“I’m gonna miss them,” Rikku sighed. “Come on, we better go find a place to brace ourselves before Brother decides to take off. His flying hasn’t improved at all in the past ten years.”

She led him up a short staircase and into what looked like an engine room, stuffed full with huge machina. There was a quiet roar of working machinery and several huge pistons that were moving slowly but clearly starting to speed up as the airship powered up for take off.

“Should there be all this smoke in here?” he asked doubtfully, looking up towards the white wisps on the ceiling.

“It’s steam,” Rikku snorted. “It’s totally normal, come on.”

She led him up another set of stairs and into a dark hallway lit only by multicolored neon lights that reminded him unnervingly of the seedy clubs in Zanarkand. They followed the hall down to a small lift, which opened with a quiet whooshing noise to admit them.

“We’ll go straight to the cabin and spare you the pleasure of Brother’s company,” Rikku said, fiddling with a machina panel against the wall as the doors slid shut. The panel made a few short beeping noises and then the lift ascended smoothly. “Give you some time to freak out about all the machina in private.”

“Why would I ‘freak out’?” he asked. “I lived in Zanarkand for a long time. I’ve used machina so advanced it would make you weep with jealousy.”

“Oh yeah,” she said thoughtfully. “I kinda forgot. You’re so...Spiran, you know? Not like Tidus.”

“I know,” Auron said, a little regretfully. “I suppose I’ll always be viewed as a relic of Yevon’s golden age.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Rikku protested. The lift stopped and opened into another hallway identical to the one they had just left. For a moment, it threw him and he wondered if the lift had even moved at all. Rikku just kept walking, though, so he followed her lead. “And anyway, I had you pegged for a heathen pretty quickly. A lot faster than the others, at least.”

“Like knows like?” he asked dryly.

“Yeah!” she exclaimed. “But also you didn’t hide it very well. After Macalania temple, when you told Yuna we’d defy Yevon if we had to? That’s when I knew for sure. That’s when I knew I could trust you.”

“I don’t recall a lot of trust,” Auron snorted. “I remember a lot of back talk.”

“Well, you were still pushing Yuna to Zanarkand like you couldn’t wait for her to die,” Rikku pointed out.

“That was…”

“I mean, I understand now,” she said. “But at the time it didn’t look good.”

“But you still trusted me,” Auron prompted.

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “I knew that you weren’t a brainwashed zealot. I knew that you would die for Yuna, and that you had all our backs. And you took the time to teach me all sorts of things and answer all my questions and...I don’t know. I guess it was just a gut feeling and I went with it.”

She lead them through the door at the other end of the hall and into a huge lounge area. It was much more tastefully decorated than the neon hallways, with dark wood floors and long bar with several stools placed at intervals along the front. There was a sitting area off to the left, and a staircase at the far end of the room that led up to a loft.

“Well, I’m glad I had your trust,” he said, and then, “Even if you questioned every single thing I asked of you.”

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t been so bossy I’d have been nicer,” she retorted, and then lowered her voice in a bad imitation of his, “Rikku, Lulu needs silenceproof armor, have it done by tomorrow!”

“I didn’t sound like that,” he protested. 

“You sounded  _ exactly _ like that,” she laughed. “You’d have thought it was your pilgrimage, the way you bossed everyone around.”

“You all listened,” he retorted.

“Well yeah,” she said. “You’d done it all before. You’d beat Sin. You were  _ legendary _ . We were young, not stupid.”

“And yet, still the arguing,” Auron pointed out, amused.

Rikku grinned back at him, wide and unabashed.

“Well, yeah. What’s life without some teenage rebellion, am I right?”

“Peaceful, I’ve found,”  Auron said, just to be difficult.

“Boring,” Rikku retorted with a grin. “But, so, anyway, this is the cabin. Barkeep is probably around here somewhere and he can get you a drink or food if you want. And there are beds up in the loft, if you want to sleep some more. It’s a few hours to Luca and I know you spent most of last night in the temple.”

“Some more sleep might be good,” Auron admitted, feeling soft and old beyond his years.

Back in the days of Braska’s pilgrimage, he and Jecht would have to trade watch shifts so that Braska could get a safe, full night’s sleep when they were out in the field. In those days, he could sleep for a total of four hours and be on guard for the other twenty without a problem. But he had been a lot younger then.

“Barkeep!” Rikku called, and a hypello popped up from underneath the counter, like he’d been hiding down there until someone called for him. Rikku jumped a little at his sudden appearance but brushed it off quickly.

“Hello, Mish Rikku,” the Hypello warbled. “What can I do for yoo?”

“Can you get my friend here a bed?” Rikku asked. “I have to go up and deal with brother.”

“Of courshe, Mish Rikku,” the Hypello said, and then to Auron, “Right thish way, please.”

He babbled as he led Auron up the stairs to the loft, pointing out where the restroom was and informing him of all the amenities available in the cabin. Apparently Rikku’s brother ran it as a traveling inn on occasion, and it was fully stocked to cater to any needs someone might have. Auron had always been a simple man, though, and he just wanted to sleep. He claimed the bed the Hypello pointed out to him and, after a long moment of consideration, dressed down to his pants and undershirt.

He could sleep in all his gear, given the need, but it was much easier to get comfortable without leather armor and boots on. He was on an airship, and despite past events, there was very little chance of him being in any danger from fiends there. The only potential dangers came from other passengers, and he was confident in his ability to deal with people with or without armor. So he draped his gear over the edge of the couch to the right side of the loft and settled into the bed. 

There were a lot of thoughts stumbling through his brains, questions and worries about the future and his own purpose. Had he been less tired, these anxieties might have made it hard to sleep, just as they had the night before. Blissfully, though, he was so tired that he fell away quickly, descending into a mercifully dreamless sleep almost as soon as he closed his eyes.

* * *

As it turned out, he was just as restless in Luca as he had been in Besaid.

Sure, the city was a lot bigger and there was a lot more for him to focus his rushing thoughts on, but for the most part it was still just wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do with himself. At least in Besaid he’d had a whole island worth of fiends to take his aggression and frustration out on. But the fiends didn’t dare stray into Luca, and the Mi’ihen Highroad was patrolled by so many machina that the fiends were few and far between.

Which, he supposed, he should have been happy about. A safer Spira had been the ultimate goal in defeating Sin, after all. Regular people should be able to walk from one end of the Highroad to the other without having to worried about being attacked and killed by fiends. But still, it was so counterpoint to the Spira that he had always known. It really hammered home how out of place he felt. He was a man out of his element, a soldier with no war to fight. And he had no idea what to do with himself.

He turned onto the street that hosted Rikku’s apartment building, a five story stone number located in the small residential district just off the main walk to the stadium. The last time Auron had been in Luca, it had been a lower middle class neighborhood. Now, it was a colorful area with a tiny thriving marketplace known as ‘Little Home’. According to Rikku, once the first few Al Bhed had moved in after the attack on Bikanel Island, the Yevonites had started to move out. Most people had given up on Yevon as a whole, but centuries old prejudices died hard, and the Al Bhed were still only barely tolerated as a whole.

It was noticeably different from the rest of Luca; all of the shops were brightly colored and sold all sorts of odds and ends that wouldn’t be found among the general fare in a normal shop. There were a lot of neon lights that lit up at night, and the whole place was open and welcoming. The Al Bhed language was commonplace, shouted from windows and across the narrow cobbled streets, and the air smelled strongly of traditional Al Bhed spices. Children ran amok, watched out for by all the adults as if they were their own, and everyone seemed to know each other and look out for each other.

They had regarded Auron with a careful reserve the first week he had been there. He could understand their hesitance, since his dark hair and brown eye painted him as clearly Not One of Them, and outsiders had never been friends to the Al Bhed. But he had tried his best to be polite and to speak to them in what little of their language he had managed to pick up over the years, and after a few weeks he had become an accepted figure. Maybe not warmly welcomed or embraced, but accepted. He was okay with that.

Rikku, however, was welcomed brightly wherever she went in Little Home. People would call out to her in rapid-fire Al Bhed, offering her bits of food and asking after her father. Cid, as gruff and stubborn as he was, was highly regarded and widely loved in Al Bhed circles, and his daughter who had helped defeat Sin and stop the pilgrimages was equally as valued.

He stopped at a street cart on the way back to her building. It was small, barely three feet long and on wheels. It had a huge pink and yellow umbrella sticking out of the top to protect the vendor from the elements and a cheerful-looking hand painted sign nailed to one side. The top consisted of a glass case to display the wares and a small cooking area with a hot plate and a deep fryer to prepare food fresh.

_ “Rammu,”  _ he greeted, searching for the right words.  _ “Dfu untanc uv muiguisytac, bmayca.” _

He knew his accent was terrible by the way the old woman’s lips twitched, but Al Bhed was not an easy language to pronounce. Most of the words he could say properly were ones that he heard over and over. Unfortunately, those words tended to be curses that Rikku muttered under her breath while she worked.

“You are Rikku’s friend, no?” she asked in heavily accented Spiran.

“Yes,” he said.

“Rikku is good girl,” she said, pinning him with a stern, piercing look. “Very caring, and trusting. Older man should not take advantage of kindness.”

“No,” Auron said quickly, flustered by the accusation. “Rikku and I...we’re friends. Only friends.”

She swept a distrustful gaze over him, like she was sizing him up. Auron had stood next to Ronso over eight feet tall and felt bigger than he did at that moment with a tiny old woman glaring at him distrustfully.

“I see you look,” she accused, and Auron hated the way that his face immediately flushed at that. He’d noticed Rikku was an attractive woman, of course. How could he not? But he hadn’t been actively  _ looking _ . At least, not on purpose. 

“Rikku is smart, and her love is her choice. But she deserves good, caring man,” she continued. “You be good, or I skin you like cat.”

“Rikku is very safe with me,” he promised, suddenly aware that she wasn’t going to believe anything he said about their relationship being platonic. He supposed it must have looked bad, a man his age suddenly coming to live with an unmarried woman. Like he was using her, or something equally as nefarious.“Good,” the woman said, suddenly cheerful. She shoved two orders of  _ muiguisytac _ in little paper bags into his hand and he gave her some gil before beating a quick retreat.

Rikku was seated on her over-stuffed pale yellow couch when he let himself through the front door, four flights of stairs later. She had a buckler shield in her lap and a mess of customization ingredients around her. Everything from bright yellow chocobo feathers to shiny blue ice gems littered every surface within arms reach of her. She was pouting down at the shield, muttering mutinously under her breath in Al Bhed, her hair hiked up in a messy twist on top of her head to keep it out of her face.

“I think that old woman with the food cart on the corner thinks we’re having an illicit affair,” Auron informed her as he shut the door behind him.

Rikku jumped about a foot in the air, apparently so focused on her task that she hadn’t noticed him enter. She recovered quickly, though, scrunching up her nose and sending him a bewildered look.

“Arina?” she asked.

“I suppose,” Auron sighed, handing her one of the greasy bags of  _ muiguisytac _ and settling into the wingback chair next to the couch. “She told me she’d skin me like a cat if I didn’t treat you well.”

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week,” Rikku told him gleefully, “I hope I’m half as awesome when I’m that old. Threatening the personal guardian to  _ two _ High Summoners! Incredible!”

“I don’t think she knows who I am,” he admitted. “Though I’m not sure it would have mattered if she did.”

“Probably not,” Rikku agreed.

She set the shield aside and opened the bag Auron had given her, making an excited noise when she was what was inside. She dug one of the honey-drizzled deep-fried dough balls out of the sack and popped it into her mouth, humming with pleasure.

“Pops used to make these when Brother and I were little,” she told him, licking honey off her thumb. “He’d get all these bowls out and fill them with powdered sugar and honey and syrup and stuff and he’d let us dip the  _ muiguisytac _ in while it was still hot. We always made a huge mess.”

Auron hummed thoughtfully, taking a bite of his own pastry, pleased by the crisp outside and the subtle honey flavor.

“What about you?” she asked, shoving another piece in her mouth.

“What about me?” he asked.

“Do you have any favorite pastries your parents used to make you?” she asked around her mouthful of dough.

“I don’t remember my parents,” he told her. It should have been a sad pronouncement, one that should have shook him to his core, but in reality, it was entirely too common for the people of Spira. “Sin.”

“How old were you?” she asked, her eyes soft with compassion.

“Hardly older than Kyaa, if that,” he said. “I was raised by the temple.”

“I’m sorry,” she offered, sounding like she knew it wasn’t helpful in the least.

“It’s fine,” he said honestly. “I don’t really think about it anymore.”

That was true. He had wondered about them as a child, and been bitter about his loss as a teenager, but in all honesty he couldn’t really miss what he never remembered having. He missed the idea of having them more than anything, and he’d long since let go of any personal feelings about it. That was the worst part about Sin, in the end. It killed indiscriminately, a being of pure destruction and chaos. Nothing about the lives it took was personal. Killing was just what Sin did. It was almost worse to know that your loved ones were dead due to a horrific chance of fate rather than for a perceived slight. That it could have happened to anyone, but it happened to your loved ones.

“So…” she said, clearly looking for a subject to change to. “What did you do today?”

“Wandered,” he said. “And not much else.”

He didn’t mention his restlessness and discontent; how he’d spent the day looking for a purpose and found nothing, the same way he seemed to spend all his days. He didn’t tell her he was itching for a fight, and that even the second largest city in Spira didn’t seem large enough to hold his attention for long.

Instead, he just said, “You?”

“I got a commission to customize this buckler,” she said, waving her hand irritably at the offending object, “but I just can’t figure out the best way to do it. It’s a toughie.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Auron assured her. “You always do.”

“Well, yeah,” she said, shooting him a pleased smile. “I am the best synther the Al Bhed have ever seen.”

“And your modesty never fails to inspire,” he deadpanned. 

She rolled her eyes dramatically and then stuck out her tongue. He bit back an amused smile, ducking his face behind his cowl so she wouldn’t see it. A man only had his hardass reputation, after all.

“I think I’m gonna go for a walk,” she sighed, putting aside her synthing materials and standing up to stretch. “Clearing my head might help me think better. Wanna come with?”

He didn’t, not really. He’d just spent the whole day wandering listlessly around the city. But the idea of sitting alone in her apartment and letting the silence and his thoughts eat away at him was even less appealing, so he nodded. She grinned sunnily at him and shoved her feet into her boots. He let her grab him by the arm and lead him from the apartment, having mostly grown used to how care-free and giving she was with her casual touches. She held on to him all the way down five flights of stairs and onto the street. 

He tried to avoid letting the old woman at her cart on the corner catch his eye, but he could feel her pointed, distrustful glare in the center of his back all the way down the street.

* * *

Another week passed before Auron really lost it.

It came on suddenly and all at once, like the never ending storm in the Thunder Plains. It started when he had been getting a drink at a seedy little pub in the slums, a place where people were highly unlikely to recognize him and even more unlikely to try and make conversation. He’d been raising his glass to his lips when someone had bumped into him from behind, making his drink slosh over the side of his tumbler and down his front.

Normally, that sort of thing would be annoying. He’d grunt and glare and maybe look threatening enough to make them apologize and offer to buy him a new one. But this time was different. It was like he was taken over by a white, hot anger. Not the kind of feral, mindless rage that had threatened to tear him apart when he was unsent, but rather a deeply seated anger in the pit of his chest.

It was the strongest, most pure feeling he’d had since returning to Spira, and he reveled in it. It felt almost good to be so angry, if only because it was better than being frustrated and confused and a little bit apathetic. So instead of doing his usual glare-and-intimidate, he got up from his seat and punched the man right in the face.

He’d always been more of a sword user than a fist fighter, but he had a pretty decent right hook and a lot of strength to back it up. The man reeled, going down hard. He took a table and the one of the people sitting at it with him.

“What the fuck, man, it was an accident!” one of his friends said, looking bewildered.

The other one looked like he was ready to start swinging, a hungry glint in his eye. If it was a fight he was looking for, Auron was more than willing to give it to him. His fist stung from where it had met the first man’s face. He’d probably split the skin there, maybe even broken a knuckle on the guy’s jaw. But it felt good and real and more alive than Auron could remember feeling in a long, long time. It felt so good that it distracted him, and he didn’t see the first coming at him until it was too late. He tried to roll with the punch, but it came too fast. It struck against his cheek, making his face explode with pain, but he kept his feet.

He’d taken way worse hits. He’d been beaten bloody and unconscious, and as soon as he was able he was back on his feet and fighting again. He’d faced down monsters and aeons and even friends. He’d helped defeat Sin, twice. He knew pain.

But none of that had ever felt as therapeutic and freeing as this did.

He laughed, baring what must have been bloody teeth, based on the metallic tang in his mouth, and took a step forward to help guide the power of his swing. His fist glanced off the side of the guy’s face as he pulled out of the way at the last second and returned with a quick, off-center jab that struck Auron’s chin. 

He was quick and scrappy, which could be very effective against slow and strong; couldn’t hurt what you couldn’t catch, after all. But Auron had fought side by side with the quickest and the scrappiest for many long, harrowing months, and he knew just how to handle it. When the guy rushed in close for another hit, he wrapped his left arm around the back of his neck and jerked him to the side, using the guy’s forward motion to propel him past him, sinking his right fist into his solar plexus as he did so.

The guy swung around to hit him again, and then Auron’s strike seemed to finally take effect on him, a full ten seconds after it landed. He made an odd gasping noise and then sunk down to his knees, the breath knocked from his lungs.

“Okay, enough of that!” the bartender barked, holding up a hand crackling with a thunder spell at them threateningly. “Take it outside!”

Auron had hmpfed and downed what little of his drink hadn’t been spilled down his front and left the pub without another word, leaving destruction and two downed men behind him. He’d never felt so alive. 

And so for the past two weeks he’d found himself in a different bar or pub every night, picking fights with the the dumb and brutal. Most of the time he won them, but sometimes he stumbled back to Rikku’s apartment in the early hours with a spinning head and blood on his face. He always made sure that she was already in bed by the time he snuck in, high on endorphins and reeling with euphoria. He knew if she saw him she’d get concerned and he honestly wasn’t wholly convinced that she shouldn’t be. Clearly going out and getting punched so that he could feel something that wasn’t quiet and subtle despair wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But it was the only one he had, so he downed little blue potions that closed his cuts and ebbed away at his pain and he hid it.

Tonight’s opponent had been a man who had been too loud, too drunk, and too free with his hands around the waitresses’ bodies. Auron didn’t always seek out someone who really deserved to get hit. Most of the time it was because someone looked at him wrong, and because he could see their own itch for a fight behind their eyes. There was nothing personal about it. This guy, though, Auron had been more than glad to hurt.

He’d grabbed a waitress around the wrist and cooed at her, telling her to sit in his lap and making kissy faces at her. She’d smiled uncomfortably and tried to yank her wrist away, but the man wasn’t having any of it. Auron had already been moving to go help, ready and willing to beat the bastard’s face in, when she had let out a sharp cry of pain, jerking her arm away a little more desperately.

He’d barked at the man to let her go, and when he’d refused, Auron had grabbed him around the wrist with one hand and broken his thumb with the other. He’d yelled in pain and surprise, and then thrown himself at Auron like a berserked fiend, taking him to the ground with the force of his forward momentum.

It had all been absolute bedlam from there, Auron sinking hits wherever he could reach and trying to get off the ground and back onto his feet. The asshole had gotten in a few good jabs to his face before he was able to roll back to his feet though, and he knew he looked like hell. By the time he managed to subdue the guy and then promptly get thrown out of the pub, his left cheek had swollen to the point that he was sure the bone was broken, and his good eye was starting to get puffy from bruises, almost blinding him totally.

It was late, so there were no little shops open for him to buy any potions from, and he was kind of drunk on adrenaline, so he really didn’t want to risk sneaking into Rikku’s apartment. Instead, he stumbled his way up the stairs that lead to the Mi’ihen Highroad. The place where he had become Yuna’s guardian.

He was in a much less impressive state now than he had been then, and he stumbled his way over to collapse on a bench because his head was spinning. He didn’t miss the similarities it had to the way he had dragged himself down Mt. Gagazet ten--no, twenty, now--years ago, left arm useless, right eye gone, bleeding to death with every step but determined to walk past the dizzy way his vision slid. This was like that, but it was also nothing like that at all.

Auron snorted and squeezed his good eye shut, wincing at the pain from the motion. He wasn’t making any sense. He was probably concussed. He was going to have to go find a healer, since he doubted the weak potions available in Luca would be enough to put him back in fighting shape. Or even walking shape…

He jerked his head up, making everything ache and pound, realizing that he’d almost nodded off right where he was sitting. Definitely concussed, then. He was considering the merits of trying to drag himself through the city versus finding someone to bring a healer to him when there came the sound of quick footsteps running up the stairs behind him. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew it was Rikku.

“ _ Rumo ramm!  _ You look awful!” she exclaimed as she came around the corner and saw him.

“Thanks,” he snorted.

“What  _ happened _ ?” she demanded, rushing over to kneel in front of him. “Let me see.”

She pushed his cowl down so that she could see his face and started prodding at his chin, ignoring his winces of pain sternly as she looked him over. He realized then that he’d lost his sunglasses at some point. Either they’d fallen off or gotten broken or both, but he knew he’d never find them again. It was disappointing because he’d gotten them in Zanarkand, and he knew he’d never find their like here in Spira.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” he said, which was clearly a lie. She shot him an unimpressed look.

“I was out getting a drink with a friend when someone came in and told everyone that Sir Auron was beating the stuffing out of someone down the street. Of course, by the time I got there you were already gone, but someone swore they saw you come this way and…”

He felt the cooling magic of a cure spell wash over him and almost groaned with relief as his cheekbone snapped back into place and the pounding in his head lessened. He still had a headache and he was fairly sure his eye was turning a dark shade of bruised purple, but it already felt much better than it had. For one, he was able to think straight.

“It was a bar fight,” he said nonchalantly. “He was getting too friendly with a waitress…”

“So you decided to get your ass kicked?” Rikku demanded.

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t have done the same thing,” he admonished and then added, “And I didn’t get my ass kicked, actually. You should see the other guy.”

“You should see you,” she retorted. “If your eye swells up any more, you’re gonna be totally blind. And don’t think I’m gonna be your seeing eye dog, because I won’t.”

“Your compassion is touching.”

“Please, you wouldn’t know compassion if it bit you on the nose,” she retorted.

Another healing spell washed over him and the pounding in his head disappeared totally.

“Well,” she said, biting her lip. “Your eye’s a little off-color still, but the worst is taken care of. I’m not Yunie.”

“It’s much better, thank you,” he said.

She didn’t move from her position in front of him, though, staring up at him with worry in her big green eyes.

“Auron…” she said, and then hesitated before pressing forward. “What’s going on with you?”

“It was just one fight…”

“It’s not, though,” she interrupted quickly. “You think I haven’t noticed all the empty potion bottles and the way you sneak in late every night? People in this city know me, and they know I know you. I’ve been told in three different bars in the last two weeks that I wasn’t welcome if you were coming with me.”

He cursed his own foolishness at thinking he was getting away with something. Clearly he hadn’t been as suave and subtle as he thought.

“So if you’ve known, why are you just bringing it up now?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she said, looking away guiltily. “I guess I just thought that you were getting something out of your system or something. But Auron...you’re gonna get yourself killed.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he snorted, and his head must have still been fuzzier than he thought, because he really hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“So what, you’re just gonna throw away your life because you’re unhappy with it?” she demanded angrily.

“I never asked for it!” Auron shot back, nearly a shout.

“Hey, guess what, Mister Legendary!” she snapped. “None of us did! None of us asked to be alive, but we are and we make it work!”

“This is different,” Auron insisted, feeling the ire rush out of him as quickly as it had come. It would do him no good to yell at Rikku, after all.

“I know,” she said, her voice softening. “And I know how much you’ve been struggling. I’ve seen it. But Auron, you can’t just give up, okay? That’s not what you do. That’s not who you are.”

“I’m not sure who I am anymore,” he admitted. “Everything just seems so...dull and pointless.”

“We’ll figure it out,” she promised. “I’ll help you any way I can, okay?”

“Why?” He asked, exhausted. “Why do you care?”

“Because we’re friends,” she said simply. “And because a long time ago when I was still a kid and in way over my head you helped me be strong enough to save my cousin’s life. So just tell me what you need.”

“I don’t know,” he said, frustrated. “All I know is that when I’m fighting, it almost seems like things become vibrant again.”

“Well, maybe take it out on some fiends instead of unsuspecting citizens, huh?” she suggested, cracking a tiny smile at him. “It’s not really fair; they don’t have two pilgrimages under their belt.”

“I’ve only used my fists,” he insisted, but he knew she was right. He’d known the whole time that the fighting wasn’t healthy and that it wasn’t a sustainable solution. But now that she knew, it would be harder for him to justify it to himself and slip out to get into trouble.

“I’m done lecturing for the night,” she said, getting to her feet. “Because you look like hell and I think you should get some sleep. But I might have some more stuff to say tomorrow and you’re gonna listen because it’s the middle of the night and…”

“Okay, Rikku,” he said, humoring her. She rolled her eyes powerfully at him and then tugged him up after her.

“C’mon, let’s go home, Troublemaker.”

He couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled over his lips at the name, surprised to find that he really did feel a bit better.

* * *

Someone had pulled open the curtains in Rikku’s guest bedroom. 

Auron found this out when he woke up to the early morning sun filtering through the glass and directly across his face. It felt almost like getting a knife through his brain, combined with the remnants of his headache and what was possibly a small hangover. He turned his face into the bright green pillowcase and groaned lowly, thinking about pulling the blanket up over his head and falling back to sleep. 

It wasn't to be, though, because the door flew open a moment later and Rikku burst into the room. She was wearing pajamas--a pair of shorts even tinier than her usual fare and an oversized t-shirt with the logo of the Al Bhed Psyches screen printed on the front--and bearing a tray of food. He lifted his head just enough to glare at her but she wasn't deterred. 

“Rise and shine, Troublemaker,” she said cheerfully.

“Is this really necessary?” He asked.

“Oh, totally,” she assured him. “But I brought breakfast so it's not all bad.”

She set the tray down on the edge of the bed and and then settled down next to it, cross-legged and comfortable. She made herself perfectly at home, not seeming to mind at all that he was hardly decent. But then, the Al Bhed sense of propriety was vastly different than the one that he had been raised with. And anyway, he'd lived in Zanarkand where the ideas of modesty were even more fast and loose. He'd seen all sorts of things and he stubbornly wasn't going to let this bother him. 

Instead, he sat up, making sure the blanket was safely in his lap. He noticed the way Rikku’s eyes raked over his chest and remembered too late the large scar that ran from his right collarbone down his pectoral and ended right above his hip bone. It was large and jagged and puckered pink. Not any more unsightly than the one on his face, but certainly new and surprising to her. He pulled his hair, unbound for sleeping, over his shoulder to cover the worst of it, and she looked away guiltily.

He didn’t say anything about it, just turned his attention to the food on the tray. It all looked and smelled good, but he had no idea what any of it was. There was a deep dish of what looked like little brown discs, fried with some sort of herb in it. There was also what looked to be a plate of little balls of white cheese and a gently steaming stack of flatbread. The meal was rounded off with a squat little pot of tea. 

“What is all this?” He asked. “It smells wonderful, but…”

“This is  _ Vymyvam _ ,” she said, pointing to the fried discs. He immediately gave up on ever being able to pronounce it correctly. “Its fava beans and chickpeas and garlic all mashed together and fried. And this is  _ Hypimce _ ; it's cheese, salty and yummy. And then the flatbread has seeds and olive oil. It's all really good, I promise.”

She popped one of the  _ Vymyvam _ in her mouth and chewed happily so he followed her lead. It actually was quite good, crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle. It made his stomach rumble hungrily, so he picked out another one. 

She poured them each a cup of spice tea and they spent a few minutes eating while she encouraged him to try the cheese and the bread, which was also delicious. He had to admit, the Al Bhed really knew what they were doing when it came to food. He’d yet to try something he didn’t like.

When he was sated and had finished the last of his tea, he set the cup aside and fixed her with a narrow-eyed look. She stared back at him for a long moment, and he wondered if they were just going to get caught in a stubborn stand off. Finally, though, she knocked back the last of her tea and opened her mouth to begin what he was sure was the promised second half to her lecture. He beat her to it.

“I’m going to go to Guadosalam,” he said. 

The idea had occurred to him a time or two in the past few days, but he had dismissed it quickly each time. The Fayth were gone, and if they hadn’t responded to him at the heart of a temple, there was no reason to think they might in the Farplane. But after Rikku’s disappointed face last night, he knew he had to at least try. Staying in Luca and getting in petty fights wasn’t actually helping. Going to the Farplane might not either, but at least it was taking action.

“What do you expect to find there?” she asked. 

It was a simple question, but it was loaded. Still, she didn’t tell him it was ridiculous, or reiterate his thoughts about the Fayth, though she must have thought them. He appreciated that she decided not to backtalk for once in her life.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe nothing. But maybe answers.”

“Okay,” she said simply. “So when do we leave?”

“What, you’re coming with me?”

“Well, yeah,” she snorted, like it was obvious and he was dumb for having to ask. Maybe he was. It wasn’t as if Rikku were unpredictable.

“Early tomorrow,” he decided after a moment of thought. “It takes almost a full day’s light to get from one end of the Highroad to the other, and it will give us time to gather supplies.”

“What, we’re gonna walk?” she asked, slightly dumbfounded.

“Yes,” he said, because it seemed right. The idea of taking an airship hadn’t even occurred to him, honestly, but the idea of flying to Guadosalam and demanding answers like it were an afternoon errand just seemed...wrong, somehow. Walking would take much longer, but it seemed like the thing to do.

“Well, all right,” she said, shrugging. “Then I guess we better get ready, huh? We’ve got some shopping to do, and I’ve got to get a couple of things out of storage.”

She hopped up off the bed without waiting for him to answer, scooping up the tray and taking it with her. He shook his head, amused and a little bewildered by her. A minute later the shower down the hall turned on full blast and he let out a long sigh and resigned himself to an early day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay admittedly the timing on the travel in this fic is kinda weird. Because I am utterly convinced that a pilgrimage must take months, since they're walking across the world and all. But then, like, in-game it seems to take less than a day to walk the Mi'ihen Highroad. Soooo...distances are kinda screwy as I try to consolidate what I think is true and what the game seems to present. Just...go with it.

They spent the morning picking up necessities for the trip; little red phoenix down feathers, vials of blue potion, and jars of sickly green antidote salve that would counteract the poison of virtually any fiend. Rikku even managed to sweet-talk the grouchy apothecary around the corner from her apartment into giving them a good deal on some Al Bhed potions, which were always indispensable. 

They broke for lunch, both scarfing down some fish stew from a vendor near one of the bars Auron had been banned from a few days before. They ate on a bench in the sun, too busy chewing to talk. After they ate, Rikku claimed there was one more errand to run and she lead him across the city to a small storage facility. She acted suspiciously the whole time, hyper-aware and a little jumpy. It was making him jumpy, and by the time she pressed her thumb to a scanner outside of a small shed-like building, he was wondering what he was possibly going to see past the steel door.

Surprisingly enough, it was mostly empty. There was a large table off to one side with quite a few square slabs of machina arranged carefully on top. Several of them had small glowing spheres stuck inside them, but Rikku bypassed the table without a glance and headed towards the back corner. There was a large chest shoved there, out of the way. It was probably close to seven feet long and a little over three feet tall, and it was covered by a drop cloth, which Rikku whipped off to reveal another thumbprint scanner. The trunk popped open with a mechanical whir when she pressed her finger against it, and the first thing Auron saw was an incredibly familiar sword.

“Is that…?”

She waved her hand as an indication for him to go ahead and pick it up, so he did. Surely enough it was Masamune, the best sword he’d ever had the pleasure to use. Which was to be expected, after all the trouble that went into assembling it and awakening all of its magic. When he had returned to Spira with a basic yet effective katana blade, he had assumed that the sword had been lost, or maybe even disassembled and hidden once more, waiting for a new master.

“How did you get this?” he asked.

“It appeared to me from one of the dresspheres I told you about,” she explained. “At first I thought it was just a copy, made up from my memories joined with the magic in the sphere, but the weapons always disappear into the sphere when it’s deactivated. And this one, well. It’s still here. So I figured it had to be the real thing and I thought I should keep it safe.”

“It feels like the real thing,” he said, gripping the purple-orange braided hilt in his hand tightly. It felt warm under his fingers, like it was alive and welcoming him back. When he swung it up on his shoulder, it felt right, like it was made specifically for him. “It is.”

“Oh, good!” she said, smiling a little nervously. “I used it a bit, hope you don’t mind.”

“I’m mostly just surprised you managed to use a sword taller than you,” he mused.

“I’m pretty amazing,” she said her nervous expression giving way quickly to a mischievous grin. “But this one always felt more right for me, anyway.”

She reached into the chest once more and pulled out another familiar weapon, an orange, heavy-duty claw that he knew for a fact was the perfect size to fit her forearm. It was called Godhand, and the only reason they’d even found it was because Tidus had become obsessed with trying to translate all the old Al Bhed riddles imbedded on the ruins throughout Spira. They’d spent half a day in the Calm Lands watching him run around in circles counting his steps.

“Why do you keep it locked away?” he asked.

“I did the dressphere thing for awhile,” she said, nodding over at the table. “Just for a change, and they can be pretty useful, but I didn’t really like the emotional bleed.  It really wears on you after a while, so they got put away too. But Godhand…it’s celestial, right? It just felt kind of weird to use it without some greater purpose. Almost like it was too good for that. So I stuck with my daggers or one of my older claws. You can never go wrong with a Devastator, you know.”

“And you think a trip to Guadosalam is a greater purpose?” he asked, mostly because he understood what she was getting at. It did somehow feel like there was more to it than just an impromptu road trip.

“Isn’t it?” she asked. “Finding your meaning, figuring stuff out; it’s kinda the greatest purpose most people ever have, right?”

“I suppose,” he said, though in reality he would have much preferred just knowing.

“Trust me, you’ll see,” she assured him.

He was tempted to believe her just because she sounded so confident about it. But then, he was finding lately that he seemed to be willing to listen to her about most things. She was wise beyond her years but a calming presence, never judging too harshly or pushing further than he was willing to bend. He was almost startled to realize that he almost didn’t know what he would do without her.

“Come on,” she said, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Let’s go home. Gotta get our beauty rest, right?”

He huffed a laugh, tucking his face into his cowl to hide his smile, and followed her back out into the sunshine.

* * *

They left Luca with the rise of the sun the next morning. The early morning chill blowing in off the water combined with the harsh rays of early morning sunlight left Rikku shivering and blinking slowly, like she was going to fall asleep right where she was standing. She didn’t complain, though. Instead, she just strapped on her claw and followed him up the stairs.

The machina that patrolled the Highroad did a good job of keeping the fiends at bay, so by midday Auron had to admit that he was rather bored, though they were making much better time than he had expected since they didn’t have to stop and fight every few minutes.

“This is really boring, isn’t it?” Rikku asked, glaring at a machina leader as it trotted by.

“You can go home,” Auron responded dryly and she huffed and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t start,” she warned. “I’m just saying, I know that a safe Highroad is a good thing. But this is just…”

“Uneventful,” Auron supplied.

“Exactly!” she said, clapping her hands together. “Uneventful. They should put up like...pretty pictures or something for travelers to look at.”

“As far as I can tell, we’re the only ones insane enough to actually walk the Highroad, anymore.” he pointed out.

“Lord Mi’ihen would be proud,” she responded sarcastically.

“I didn’t ask you to come,” Auron reminded her a little impatiently.

“I know,” she said simply. “But here I am.”

“Complaining,” Auron pointed out.

“I’m not complaining!” she said indignantly. “I’m making conversation.”

“Well then perhaps you could talk about something other than how bored you are,” he suggested dryly.

“Sorry, Grumpy,” she muttered under her breath, and then fell blessedly silent.

For an hour, at least. She spent that time trotting around the road, inspecting anything that caught her attention and collecting odds and ends that he was sure she had some grand purpose for but mostly looked like detritus to him. Everything from chocobo feathers to vials filled with questionable liquids were stuffed into her hip pouch or the pockets of her little teal shorts, and when she grew tired of that, she started picking flowers. It was as she was adding the finishing touches to a crown she’d fashioned from purple and yellow wildflowers that she spoke again.

“So, I have a burning question for you,” she said.

“Burning, huh?”

“Oh yeah. It’s been stewing in my brain for ten years, so you know it’s a good one.”

“If it’s so burning why didn’t you ask me ten years ago?” he asked. “I certainly don’t remember you being shy about pestering me with questions.”

“Pestering!” she repeated, offended. “Don’t pretend you don’t love my curious and vivacious spirit.”

He hmpfed in amusement, promising himself right then and there that he’d never tell her how much he genuinely liked and appreciated her bubbly personality. He was fairly sure she knew--how could she not, when he was always so indulgent with her endless questions and overly familiar touching-- but he could never say it out loud. She’d never let him hear the end of it if he did.

“You think very highly of yourself,” he said instead.

“Yes I do,” she answered bluntly, and again he had to work to stop himself from smiling.

“What’s your question?” he prompted, admittedly curious.

“Oh, right!” she chirped, plopping her flower crown on her head at a jaunty angle. “So you put on this whole image right?”

“What image?” he asked, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn in subject.

“Well you know. The whole Big-Red-Badass thing? Way too cool for school, unemotional, serious to a fault and all that. You wear it like a shield.”

“Maybe I am just a...what was it?”

“Big Red Badass,” Rikku supplied in clear capitals.

“Right. Maybe I am just a big red badass,” he said, purposefully omitting them. 

“Yeah, see, that’s what I mean,” she said. “You’re really really good at putting on that front. And I mean some of it is you. You are really serious and all broody. But I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone who is less unemotional. You’re just a lot better at hiding it than most people. You put a lot of effort into making sure people look at you and immediately think that you’re unapproachable so they won’t try to get close.”

“I don’t…”

“You totally do!” she accused, sounding amused. For someone apparently so insightful she was either missing his discomfort entirely or just ignoring it. “Like, you cover your face all the time. With the big cowl and the sunglasses…”

“Maybe I’m sparing people the sight of seeing the scar that splits my face in half,” he retorted harshly.

She paused for a moment, looking stricken. Her eyes got even wider with regret and her mouth popped open wordlessly and she stared at him for a long moment. He thought, for a moment, that he’d succeeded in getting her to stop pushing all his buttons, but then a sly grin burst over her face and he knew she’d seen through him yet again.

“You just did it again!” she crowed. “Classic misdirection! You want to know what I think?”

“Not particularly.”

“Too bad. You see, I’ve noticed something about you. You laugh, a lot,” she said this almost accusatorily. “But you always try to cover it up as a cough or a grunt. And you smile a lot too, and every time you do you duck your face down behind that cowl, like you’re trying to hide it. I think you cover your face up because you have a really hard time keeping your emotions off of it.”

“Thank you for that insightful assessment of my character,” he said shortly, bristling at how accurate it was. “Do you have a point?”

“I do,” she confirmed. “So, you know, you put so much effort into the Big Red Badass facade. So why the beads? They reveal your squishy insides.”

“I don’t have squishy insides,” he insisted.

“That’s so untrue,” she said, undeterred, tugging lightly at the beaded charm that hung from the back of his jacket.

“If you must know…”

“I must,” she interrupted, and then made a motion of zipping her lips when he shot her a glare.

“Yuna made them for me.”

That surprised her enough that she stopped mid step and stared at him with wide eyes.

“What?” she sputtered.

“Right before we left on Braska’s pilgrimage she gave them to me for luck,” he said, not stopping to wait for her. “I’m sure Braska and Jecht got some too.”

Rikku squeaked as she realized she was being left behind and kicked herself into gear, running to catch up with him.

“And you’ve been wearing them this whole time?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because a little girl who I cared for very much gave them to me in hopes that they would keep me safe on my journey,” he said honestly, since apparently she effortlessly saw straight through him anyway.

“Squishy insides,” Rikku told him with a self-satisfied grin.

And, as much as he wanted to glare, Auron had to hide a smile.

* * *

They arrived at the Mi’ihen Highroad Travel Agency just as the sun was starting to set and Rikku let out a loud groan and flopped down face-first onto the grass. 

“I don’t suppose you’re being a little overly dramatic?” he asked, casting her a judgmental look that she didn’t even see because her face was buried in the grass.

“I think my feet are gonna fall off,” was her only response.

“Shall I go get us some rooms while you recuperate?” he asked dryly. 

She raised a hand to wave him away, the rest of her body remaining limp on the ground. He rolled his eye and left her there, heading inside to sort out their lodgings for the night.

The Agency looked the same as it always had, though now it was buzzing with more machina. Spira itself seemed to be buzzing with more machina as a whole, and though he’d heard a lot of doubtful grumbling from the older generations, the young ones seemed to be embracing it fully.

“Hello!” greeted a young Al Bhed girl at the counter in heavily accented Spiran. “How can I help you this evening?”

“I’d like to rent two rooms, please,” he said, approaching the counter.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she said, her smile dimming noticeably. “We’ve only got one room left for the night. One of the hovers broke down and several people were stuck here…”

“That’s fine,” he said quickly, before she could start giving him a detailed story about her terrible day. “One room will suffice.”

They had shared rooms more often than not on Yuna’s pilgrimage. With seven people and only so much gil to go around, it made more sense to err on the side of caution, budget wise. The extra gil was often needed for upgrading armor and weapons, as well as buying healing items. Staying at an inn had occasionally been a much-needed luxury, and none of them had ever complained about having to share a room. He doubted Rikku would have much of an issue with it now.

The girl quickly wrote something down on her sphere screen and then ducked under the counter to retrieve a key while Auron counted out the gil.

“Right down the hall,” she said, pointing to the door on Auron’s right. “Third door on the left.”

“I thank you.”

He took the key and was debating whether or not he should go outside and peel Rikku off the ground when she let herself in the front door.

“You get the rooms?” she asked.

“I got a room,” he corrected. “Inn’s full up.”

“Oh well,” she shrugged. “I get first shower. I’ve gotta wash all the road dust out of my hair.”

“Your priorities are inspirational,” he said dryly, stopping in front of the correct door.

Rikku wiggled past him almost aggressively when he finally got it unlocked, pulling her hair down from it’s high ponytail as soon as she was through the door and then threading her fingers through the top part to loosen the braid.

“You just don’t understand all the work that goes into long hair,” she huffed.

“My hair is just as long as yours is,” he reminded her.

“Okay, yeah,” she admitted. “But you always keep it tucked into your jacket that doesn’t even count. Your idea of hair maintenance is tying it back with a cord.”

“I suppose instead I should be threading it with beads and feathers?” he asked, causing her to scowl at him.

“Maybe, yeah,” she retorted. “Some red ones to match your coat, right?”

“I’m sure,” he snorted.

She grinned at him, ruffling her hair out once more, and plopped down on the edge of one of the beds to pull her boots off. She buried her toes in the rug and wiggled them with a long sigh before letting out a long huff of breath and collapsing onto her back on the bed spread and stretching.

He looked at her there, stretched out across the bed with her hair a mess and her face the picture of pure bliss, and his stomach jolted in a very concerning way. He stubbornly pushed the feeling away, along with any images her stretching had managed to drum up in his brain. It was wrong, to think of her that way. To look at her like that, when she was his friend. When she trusted him to treat her with respect.

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” he said quickly, making an about face and retreating out of the room.

He stopped when the door swung shut behind him, unsure of where he was supposed to go. He stood there until he heard the sound of the shower turning on, distant but pervasive. Eventually, though, he decided to just go appreciate the natural beauty of the Highroad at sunset, which was a lot safer than some other forms of beauty he could think of.

The sun was just settling on the edge of the half-collapsed bridge a few hundred yards from shore. He felt, for a moment, that if he stared long enough he would see Braska there, his head tilted toward the sky, a serene smile on his face as he breathed in the fresh air off the sea. Perhaps he could see Yuna, too, seated with her legs tucked neatly beneath her, skin glowing in the setting sun. If he listened hard he could hear Jecht’s raspy laugh, and Tidus’ attempts at a pep talk.

He shook his head to dispel the images, frustrated with his own nostalgia. It all seemed like a lifetime ago, and maybe it was. His lifetime, and Braska’s and Jecht’s. Being back here once more was like a confirmation that his life was an endless repetitive spiral, walking the same steps his whole life through, with different versions of the same people.

But really, this time was different. He’d walked this path many times, but this was the first time he’d ever done so for his own sake. He had been here before, first out of a sense of duty, raised with the mindset that it was the highest honor to die so that a summoner could defeat Sin. Then, it had been out of loyalty to friends long dead, and the need to protect Yuna and Tidus the way he couldn’t protect their fathers.

Before, when he had walked this road, it had been with a higher purpose. Something worth fighting for. He had always had a goal to reach, a master serve. And now he was rootless, listless, without a plan or a prayer, and no idea what he would do when he reached Guadosalam. There had to be some sort of answer there; something he could grab onto to give himself meaning again. For the first time, he was living his life on his own terms, and he hated it.

“Sir Auron!” a familiar accented voice called, breaking Auron away from his twisting, melancholic thoughts.

“Rin,” he responded, nodding his head in greeting at the Inn keeper.

“I hadn’t imagined I would see you on this side of the Farplane again,” Rin said. It was said in that same polite, almost disinterested tone in which Rin said nearly everything. It made Auron a little twitchy.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked nonchalantly.

He was almost positive that Rin knew. How could he not, with the condition that Auron had been in when he found him in the Calm Lands all those years ago and dragged him back to the Agency to try and save him? His attempts had failed, of course, but they had given Auron just enough strength and conviction to make it out of the Calm Lands so that he could find Kimahri and pass his guardianship of Yuna along. Rin had even hinted that he knew in the Thunder Plains on Yuna’s pilgrimage, his questions polite but pointed. It was almost certain that Rin had known exactly how dead Auron really was. But that was certainly no reason to confirm it for him.

“Only that I am surprised to see you once again, after so long,” Rin said, smiling pleasantly. “I had thought you were gone.”

“I’ve been around,” Auron lied flatly.

“You forget, I was aboard the Fahrenheit for that fateful final battle,” Rin told him. “I don’t recall you coming back with the others.”

“Do you have a point, Rin?” he asked tersely.

“Not at all,” Rin said, waving his hands. “Only that I wonder what it is you’re doing here.”

“As do I,” Auron responded bitterly.

“It may be unwelcome advice,” Rin said, carefully. “But perhaps you should see a summoner? I think you have done enough for this world.”

Auron paused and looked at him then. His face retained the ever-pleasant expression, but the corners of his eyes were creased with what looked like worry.

“Are you concerned for my welfare, Rin?” he asked. 

He supposed Rin must have felt somewhat responsible for his presence as an unsent. He was the one, after all, who had tried to save him. And when he couldn’t be saved, there had been no summoner to send him to the Farplane. He wondered if Rin had thought he’d turned into a fiend and blamed himself.

“It has been a long time,” Rin said, a non-answer that almost certainly meant yes.

“I’m fine, Rin,” he said, a little less defensively. “I’m not dead.”

“But Sir…”

“Rin,” Auron repeated. “I’m not dead.”

He offered his wrist as proof, and Rin only stared at him for a moment before he reached out and placed his fingers against Auron’s pulse. His eyes widened when he found it, and he released Auron’s arm quickly.

“How?”

“I don’t know,” Auron said. “I just am. You’ve kept my secrets for a long time, Rin. I’ll have to ask you to keep another. If people knew…”

“Of course, Sir Auron,” Rin said with a little bow. “I am pleased for you.”

“Thanks,” he said, probably sounding more sardonic than sincere. “I...appreciate your concern.”

“No, you don’t,” Rin said cheerfully. “Those who are concerned ask too many questions.”

Auron laughed and then thumped Rin on the shoulder companionably.

“I must return to my work now,” Rin said, always knowing when it was time to bow out. “It was good to see you, Sir Auron.”

“And you, Rin,” he said.

He watched Rin disappear around the back of the Inn before he decided he may as well head back in himself. The sun was mostly set now, just a smudge of orange at the edge of an otherwise blue-black sky, and if his options were between staying inside and practicing a bit of self control or remaining outside and being swept in conversation with people, he’d choose inside any day.

Rikku was seated on her bed when he entered the room. She was dressed in her pajamas and pulling her hair into a thick braid for sleeping. 

“You okay?” she chirped. “You rushed out of here earlier like you were gonna be sick.”

“I’m fine,” he said, a little too shortly. “Just needed some time.”

“Oh,” she said, looking a little hurt at his tone. “Okay. Sorry.”

He didn’t say anything, because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have an explanation for her, and he didn’t know how to offer an apology without having to explain himself somehow. Instead, he escaped to the bathroom like a coward.

When he crept out twenty minutes later, after doing everything he could think of to prolong his nightly routine, she was curled up in a tiny ball in the middle of her bed. He could tell by the way her shoulders tensed that she wasn’t asleep, but she didn’t say anything to him. She didn’t even chirp her usual ‘good night!’ when he turned off the light. Part of him was grateful, but most of him just felt guilty.

This had been exactly the kind of thing he'd been trying to avoid, and yet somehow they'd ended up here anyway. He hated it when being right left him with a sour taste in his mouth. 

* * *

The next day, the mood was bleak. Rikku acted like nothing was wrong, smiling and chatting and generally being Rikku, but the tension in the air was so thick he half suspected he could take Masamune and cut straight through it. Thankfully, it only took a few hours to reach the end of the Mi’ihen Highroad and pass through the juncture to the Djose Highroad, where there were fiends abound.

Keeping an eye out for danger and fighting off drakes and imps kept them busy enough that they didn’t have to focus on the awkwardness he had created between them. They were just passing the entrance to the Mushroom Rock Road when Rikku finally cracked.

“Okay, did I do something?” she asked, planting her hands on her hips and turning to glare at him. With her scrunched up nose and narrowed eyes, it was more adorable than threatening.

“I don’t know,” he said, feigning ignorance. “Did you?”

“Auron,” she snapped. “Something is…”

“Help!” a voice called, sounding quiet and distant, just barely loud enough to grab his attention.

“...clearly wrong because…”

“Be quiet,” he commanded, turning his head a bit to try and figure out what direction the yell had come from.

“Don’t tell me to be quiet, I’m trying to…”

“Rikku,” he snapped, and she fell silent with a scowl. “Be quiet.”

“Anyone?” the voice yelled, still distant and quiet, but this time Rikku perked up like she’d heard it as well. “Please!”

“Do you hear that?” she asked and then, louder, “Hello?”

There was a long pause where they both stopped to listen and then, “Hello? Oh please is someone there? Help me!”

“Where are you?” Rikku yelled back. She crept closer to the entrance to the Mushroom Rock Road, her head swiveling every which way.

“I’m down here!” the voice yelled. “Please, I fell and I’m trapped!”

She scurried over to the edge of the rock and peeked down into the ravine below. It had once been full of water, but had gone dry a few hundred years before. Ever since, it had been a particularly treacherous trench full of fiends and darkness.

“I see you!” Rikku shouted. 

Auron approached her side and peered over the edge of the rock as well. Surely enough, there was a woman down there, sprawled on the ground with a large boulder pinning her leg down tightly. He could hardly see her in the darkness, and if not for her shock of white-blonde hair, he might not have been able to see her at all.

“Hey, we’re coming to get you, okay?” Rikku said. “Just hold on!”

They stepped back from the ledge, but they woman let out a panicked shout.

“Please don’t leave me!” she wailed. “Please!”

“Hey, hey!” Rikku called down, trying to sound calm but also talk loudly enough so that they woman could hear her. “It’s gonna be okay! We’re not gonna leave you, I promise. But we can’t get down there this way! We have to find another way down, but I swear it won’t take long, okay?”

“O-okay,” she said, still sounding unsure.

They backed away from the edge before she could change her mind and get hysterical.

“How are we supposed to get down there?” Auron asked, looking at the sheer cliff edges dubiously. 

He could see, maybe, lowering Rikku down until she was close enough to the ground to drop, but once she was down there she wouldn't be able to get back up, especially if she was trying to carry someone else. As far as he knew, the only way to get down there was to be beamed down by Cid’s airship, and they were sorely lacking in that department.

“There’s a way down a bit further up ahead,” Rikku said confidently. “It’s a bit of a climb, but not too bad. We did quite a bit of exploring down there in our Gullwings days. Come on.”

She scurried ahead, quick on the rounded, slippery edges of the mushroom rock. Auron was a bit slower, trying to keep his footing a little more steady and sure, but he kept up all right. It took them nearly twenty minutes to find the bunch of rocks that lead down into the trench, almost like a staircase built for something with legs much bigger than a human’s.

He looked at it, already dreading the trip back up, and heaved a sigh before he followed her down. Her jumps were light-footed and springy. His were heavy, tearing into his knees with each hard landing.

“Auron, come on!” she said impatiently. “I’m worried about leaving her alone. There are fiends down here, you know.”

“I’m aware,” he grumbled, but he picked up his pace all the same.

It was dark down in the trench and that alone made Auron tense. His eyesight was already bad enough, what with his limited peripherals and his seriously skewed depth perception. He’d had ten years to learn to live and fight around it, but being down in such low light when there were fiends about made him feel like he had when he was newly blind and off-kilter.

He followed Rikku closely, watching the brightness of her clothes and hair so that they wouldn’t get separated and keeping a careful ear out for anything that could be lurking in the shadows.

“So…” Rikku said, hesitation in her voice. “This...isn’t as easy to navigate from down here. Back this way, right?”

“Rikku, I can hardly see down here,” he admitted to her. With only the two of them to watch each other’s backs, it was only fair to let her know. Even if it rankled his insides to admit that he was hindered in any way.

“Oh boy,” she huffed. “All right, just stay close, okay? I’m pretty sure we’ve gotta go this way.”

They walked through the darkness for nearly half an hour, encountering nothing but fiends. Auron was starting to worry that Rikku had lead them in the wrong direction, or that the woman was already dead, when he heard soft sobs coming from nearby.

“Rikku, right,” he directed, and she turned without question.

They walked a little bit farther, the crying getting louder all the while, and then Rikku gasped.

“I see her!” 

After a few more feet, Auron could see her too. Or, at least, he could see her bright hair in the darkness. Rikku scrambled towards her, her hands fluttering uncertainly, before she finally just dropped to her knees beside her. 

“Hey,” she said, gentle but cheerful. “I told you we'd come get you! You're gonna be okay.”

“I can't feel my leg,” the woman gasped. 

Auron approached, leaning close to try and get a good look at the boulder. It was resting on her leg, right below her knee, and pinning her to the ground. He couldn't see the mess of blood in the darkness, but he could certainly smell it. It was thick and cloying, sticking to the back of his throat. It wasn't good.

“Can you get the rock off her?” Rikku asked, voice fretful.

“Probably,” Auron said, and when the woman’s breathing became quick and panicked he quickly added, “Yes, I can.” 

“You see?” Rikku told the woman, leaning close over her face and stroking her hair soothingly. “You're gonna be just fine.”

While she continued to mutter soothingly to the woman, Auron ran through a mental checklist of the materials he had available to him. Finally, he sighed and reached under the back of his jacket, tugging at the long leather cord he used to tie back his hair until it unraveled.

“What's your name?” Rikku asked as he felt around carefully with his hands until he found the woman’s knee, and then moved up another few inches.

“Janna,” the woman stuttered. 

“Hi, Janna, I'm Rikku,” she said. “And he's Auron.”

Janna sucked in a breath, going tense for a moment, and then she timidly asked, “Sir Auron?”

“That's the one,” Rikku confirmed cheerfully. “Mr. Legendary himself. So you're in really good hands, okay?”

“Janna,” Auron spoke up. “I'm going to get this boulder off of you, but first I'm going to tie a tourniquet.”

“What's that?” She asked, panicked.

“It's just like tying a piece of cloth or something around your leg,” Rikku told her soothingly. “It will stop the bleeding until we can get you back up topside so we can see to heal you, okay?”

“Okay,” Janna agreed, sounding hesitant.

Auron went to work tying the cord above her knee, trying to get it tight enough so that it would cut off the circulation, but not so tight that it would cause her permanent damage. It was a tough line to tread, and he erred on the side of too tight. It was better than letting her bleed to death, at any rate.

When the tourniquet was tied, he turned his attention to the boulder, sizing it up with his hands and giving it a bit of a tug to test its weight. It certainly wasn’t light, but he’d lifted heavier before. He moved around until he found a good position that would give him the best leverage and also allow him to lift with his knees.

“Rikku,” he said. “I’m going to lift this up. When I do, you pull her out from underneath it.”

“You got it, Boss,” she chirped, moving so that she was behind Janna’s head, hands looped under her arms so she was ready to pull.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Ready.”

“Okay, three, two….one!”

He lifted the boulder up with a grunt, far enough so that Janna’s leg slipped free easily when Rikku pulled her. When he saw that she was clear, leaning up against the wall of the cavern with her hand clutching her knee, he let the boulder drop back to the ground.

“Okay, so how are we going to…”

“Fiend!” Janna yelled.

Auron turned, reaching for his sword, and was immediately dismayed to see a Garuda swooping down at him. Unlike most flying fiends, Garudas weren’t terribly hard for him to hit, but they tended to whip their wings around to create a sonic boom. Down in the ravine, where everything was large empty space surrounded by hard walls, reverb would be a problem.

He got his sword up just in time to block the sharp talons coming at his face, but didn’t have an opportunity for a counter strike, as he was trying to pull the blade free so his weapon didn’t get ripped out of his hands as the Garuda reared back. It took a wide, arching circle up into the sky before swinging back around to face him, staying out of his reach with a little more hesitation.

“Cover your eyes!” Rikku yelled.

He did as she commanded immediately, burying his face in the crook of his elbow and squeezing his eye shut. Even still, he saw red through his eyelid when the flashbomb went off. The Garuda shrieked in outrage, and Auron lifted his head just in time to see it crash into the side of the cliff and hit the ground hard. He hurried forward to finish it off, taking it’s head while it was still disoriented and watching it dissolve into pyreflies in the darkness. 

“Look out!” Rikku called, but he was already in the middle of turning back to them and her call came too late. Before he even processed what she was saying, a raptor leaped out of the darkness at him, sinking it’s teeth into the side of his face, narrowly missing his good eye.

He cursed and reached up to grab it, and then realized that his fingers were numb and he couldn’t move his arms. All he could do was stand there as the cold rush of petrification flooded over him, freezing him in place, even as it left him aware. He knew what was happening, and could see and hear just as much as he could before he’d been petrified, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even breathe.

All he could do was watch as Rikku’s face went white with rage and fear. She left Janna sitting against the wall, injured and terrified, and rushed at the raptor with her claw at the ready. It responded in kind, crouching in preparation to pounce, but Rikku was the fastest person he’d ever met. She dodged around its tackle on a dime, shifting her entire body to the side mid step so that it flew past her and crashed into the ground.

Auron watched, trying not to panic, trying not to think about how he couldn’t breathe and how he actually had to be able to do that now. Trying not to dwell on suffocating to death, trapped by his own body, and how much panic that sent through him. But, oddly, even as his body started to panic, he was thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if he were to die. He wasn’t even supposed to be here anyway, so maybe this was just nature righting itself. It wasn’t as if he’d given up; he’d fought, but he’d been caught unaware. It happened all the time. Now, there was nothing he could do to save himself. Was it wrong to be relieved?

He watched as Rikku and the raptor danced around each other, lunging and dodging so quickly it was almost hard to track. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and what little vision he had was beginning to get spotty with lack of oxygen. If he wasn’t frozen in place he would probably be on the ground. Still, his survival instinct was going full-throttle, screaming and panicking and doing everything it could to try and save him, even as his logical mind was making peace with the idea of death.

Just when he thought he really was going to suffocate to death, though, Rikku got the upper hand and she struck the raptor right at its fleshy core the next time it came at her. It shrieked and died, bursting into pyreflies around the brutal spikes of her claw, and the clamp came away with a small glass bottle of purple liquid clenched between its grips. Rikku grabbed it immediately, tearing the cork out with her teeth as she hurried over to upend the bottle over his head.

He felt the petrification melt away as the soft potion rolled over him, and he collapsed to his knees and gasped for air, holding himself up on Masamune to keep himself from completely keeling over. The rush of oxygen into his lungs made his head spin, and he had to trust that Rikku would keep an eye on things while he spent a few minutes collecting himself and getting his head back on straight. When he finally became aware of his surroundings again, he realized that Rikku was kneeling next to him and rubbing circles on his back. He couldn’t feel it through his armor, but the sentiment was still there.

“You’re okay,” she assured him. “Just keep breathing, you’re fine.”

“I’m okay,” he repeated, feeling a little foolish at the idea that she’d been coaching him the entire time. That was the sort of thing he did for others; he wasn’t used to having it done for him.

“Can you get up?” she asked. “I’m sorry it took me so long to heal you…”

He shoved his hair--unbound and unruly--out of his face and pushed himself to his feet.

“Let’s just get out of this Fayth-forsaken hell pit,” he grumbled.

“Right!” Rikku said quickly. “Janna can’t walk, but between the two of us…”

“I’ve got her,” Auron said. “You keep the fiends at bay.”

“Got it, Boss!” she chirped.

All the way back up to the Djose Highroad, Auron focused all of his attention on not jostling Janna too much and keeping an eye out for fiends. He had to, because otherwise his thoughts dwelled uncomfortably on the realization he’d had while petrified. So far he’d managed to avoid admitting to himself that he would simply rather be dead than stuck on Spira, trying to figure out what the point of being alive was. But now, it was out there, even if it was only in his own head. There was no shoving that realization back in a box and hiding it from himself. 

It was his own weakness, ugly and painful, staring him in the face. He hated it. He hated it like he hated his endless failures, his inability to be strong and make a difference. He hated it like he hated himself, and that amount of loathing was just too much for him to cope with while also being functional. But it was there, looming over him like a dark shadow, threatening to swoop down and drown him. He had long since learned to push his self-loathing to the side in order to complete his tasks. It was always there, on the peripherals of his awareness, but for the most part he just ignored it in favor of focusing on something more immediate.

So he focused on Janna. They had to get her topside, so that they could heal her wounds, and then to Djose temple where she would be safe from fiends and could pay for transport back to her village. Once Janna was taken care of, he could focus on getting to Guadosalam.

Everything else was just a distraction.


	4. Chapter 4

As it turned out, guiding Janna along the road to Djose temple slowed them down considerably. Even after Rikku plied her with enough Cure spells to get her back on her feet, she wasn’t used to walking long distances, and the few black magic spells she knew weren’t powerful enough to make her of much use.

Auron had fallen into the habit of treating her like a summoner he was guarding, though he had to admit privately that a summoner had a better chance of defending themselves. Even weak aeons were more powerful than most of the fiends along the Djose shore. But Janna, as far as he could tell, had never left her village alone before, and wasn’t used to having to defend herself from fiends at all.

“So how did you even end up under the Mushroom Rock, anyway?” Rikku asked a few nights later, after they had set the fish they caught for dinner over an open flame and set up camp on the beach. It was a little harder to make a tent stand in the soft ground, but it was worth the effort to not have to sleep on the layer of hard rocks that the road provided.

“I had to go to Luca to pick up some medication for my mother,” Janna explained, her hand unconsciously reaching to touch her side, where Auron was sure a pouch was hidden. “A few men from my village were headed the same way, so I went with them. On my way back, I thought I would hire a sword to help me…”

“And you hired bandits instead,” Rikku finished for her. 

She poked at the fish curiously and then hissed when it burned her finger.  She pulled her hand away quickly and stuck her finger in her mouth with a pout.

“Unfortunately,” Janna confirmed with a heavy sigh. “They took everything, though thankfully I had enough sense to hide my mother’s medicine. It’s fairly valuable, you see…”

“Since when are there bandits on the Djose Highroad?” Auron asked, disgusted.

“Pretty much since the start of the Eternal Calm,” Rikku said, rolling her eyes. “I guess when people aren’t afraid of Sin, their baser asshole instincts rear their ugly heads.”

“I hear they run rampant all the way from here to the Moonflow,” Janna added. “I’m lucky that they only took my things and abandoned me. Some people get killed.”

“You almost got killed,” Rikku reminded her, passing them each a fish and tearing into her own hungrily.

“Well, yes, but that was because I was running from a fiend,” Janna admitted. “I was so afraid that I didn’t pay attention and I fell over the ledge. And I suppose I must have knocked that boulder loose on my way down and it landed on me.”

“You’re lucky the fiends didn’t get you,” Auron pointed out.

“Well, I kept them at bay with magic,” she said. “I have enough to make them wary and scare them off, but not enough to actually defeat them.”

“It was enough to keep you alive,” Auron said. “That’s not something so easily dismissed.”

Janna smiled, looking pleased with herself.

“It’s kind of you to say so, Sir Auron,” she said. “I’m afraid I could never do something like you did, though. To fight Sin itself. I could never be brave or strong like that.”

“You know,” Rikku said, “I was only fifteen when we fought Sin.”

“Of course, you were very brave as well, Lady Rikku…”

“Just Rikku,” she said, grimacing. “And I wasn’t fishing for compliments. What I mean is, I was fifteen, and I’d never felt less brave in my life. But sometimes, even when you’re scared out of your mind, you do what you’ve gotta do to protect the people you love. Like you did when you went to Luca for your mother.”

“Bravery isn’t about being unafraid,” Auron added. “It’s about being terrified and doing it anyway.”

“Right!” Rikku chirped.

“That’s rather smart and poignant,” Janna said. “Your children will be lucky to benefit from the wisdom you share.”

“I keep telling him that,” Rikku joked, and then added, “We’re actually not a couple. Just friends.”

“Really?” Janna asked, genuinely surprised. “You just seem so in sync…”

“Well we are,” Rikku acknowledged. “But platonically. I think Auron’s probably holding out for someone with a little more class or finesse, you know?”

She laughed then, but it rang a bit false and an awkward silence descended over them.

“I’m sorry, I’ve made you uncomfortable,” Janna said quickly. “That wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s fine,” Rikku assured her. “It’s probably time for us to be getting to bed anyway, right? The sun is setting and we’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“Right,” Auron said, extending his fist. “First watch?”

Rikku put out her fist as well, a tradition left over from the days of Yuna’s pilgrimage, and they both pumped their hands three times before Auron threw rock and Rikku threw scissors.

_ “Tysh ed,”  _ she grumbled. “Wake me up in four hours, I guess.”

Auron stared into the crackling fire as Janna and Rikku crawled into the tent and settled down for the night, trying to focus only on looking out for fiends. But even long after the sounds of sleep started filtering out of the tent, Auron thought about what Janna had said. More importantly, he thought about Rikku’s reaction to it.

She hadn’t seemed disgusted or horrified by the implication. He had almost expected her to, due to their vast age difference. Though, he supposed, it was only ten years, now. If they didn’t think too much about how old he should be, how old he technically was when he died, or if his age was an approximation of life-experience rather than a count of successive years. And while ten years wasn’t exactly a small gap, it wasn’t an overly large one either.

What really intrigued him, though, was what she said about him holding out for someone better. As if that were the reason that there was no relationship between them, and not because neither of them had ever hinted to each other that it might be something they wanted. When he had looked at Rikku in the Travel Agency and felt an unfamiliar stirring of want low in his gut, he had pushed it--and her--away because he felt guilty about it. About lusting after a friend who was only trying to help him. She was one of the most selfless, giving people he’d ever known, and he hadn’t wanted to repay that with unwanted advances.

But maybe…

He shook his head, chasing the thoughts away. It was all too much to think about now, without even speaking to her; it would have to wait. He was man enough to admit, even if it was only to himself, that he was kind of glad about that. Emotions were not his strong suit, and talking about them was even worse. He was sure it would come up again, and probably sooner rather than later, but he was glad for the reprieve anyway.

Firmly reassured, he focused his thoughts on securing passage for Janna to go home, and on the path they would take to Guadosalam afterward. Tactical planning was much more in his comfort zone, and if no fiends were going to come along, he’d have to find different ways to avoid thinking too hard.

* * *

Auron and Janna rose with the sun the next morning to find that Rikku had taken the time to make them breakfast. It was roasted fish again, the same as they'd eaten for dinner, but Auron had never been one to turn up his nose at food. They had packed up camp quickly and started down the road, but even still it was nearly noon by the time they reached Djose temple. 

Auron had heard all about how the temple had been converted into a machina research lab, of course, but that couldn’t really prepare him for the sight of it. Someone, somehow, had rigged the temple itself so that the lightning mushroom rock remained open. He wondered where they got enough energy to keep up such a constant flow of electricity. Before, the lightning had come from the Fayth itself. Now, it had to be machina-run, and he couldn’t imagine what kind of energy core Spira could have that would allow the building to sustain itself.

Besides the incredible feats of machinery that he had thought were years beyond Spira’s time, the yard of the temple was also littered with bits of machina parts and Al Bhed who chattered cheerfully with each other in their native tongue. There were no parishioners or priests to be seen, no summoners with solemn faces and the weight of the world on their shoulders.

It was shocking, almost, but in a good way. Yevon was gone, the Fayth had been sent, and yet the temple itself lived on. It had been reformed, repurposed, used for creation to move Spira into a brighter future. He couldn’t imagine a better use for it.

“Different, isn’t it?” Rikku asked gleefully. “Can you imagine the look on old Mika’s face if he could see a temple of Yevon in the hands of the heathens?”

That, he had to admit, was a pretty good mental image. He smirked at her, and when she grinned back at him he swore he could almost feel the awkwardness between them melting away. They would still have to talk, at some point. Rikku would make sure of it. But for now, he felt a bit more sure-footed about everything.

“Thank you so much for saving me,” Janna said, bowing to them both with a prayer to Yevon. It was something he hadn’t seen much of, in all the time that he’d been back, and it was almost jarring. “And for taking me all this way. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

“No repayment necessary,” Auron assured her, and she bowed again.

“Come on, let’s get you on the next hover out of here,” Rikku said, taking the girl’s arm and leading her away.

Auron watched as Rikku spoke animatedly with the hover driver, waving her hands in the air and bouncing on her toes. Words and gil were exchanged, and then Rikku was giving Janna a boisterous hug goodbye. Janna seemed shocked by the overly familiar motion, but she patted Rikku’s back gently and smiled genuinely at her before climbing up on the hover. Rikku pinwheeled her arms in goodbye as the hover sped away, and then turned back to join him.

“I’m glad we could help her,” she said. “It feels good to be helpful.”

Auron only grunted in response, again finding himself at a lack of words, but it was drowned out by a yell from across the courtyard.

“Hey, Cid’s Girl!”

Rikku’s expression immediately went delighted, and then fixed in a firm pout just as quickly.

“I have a name, you know!” she retorted to the Al Bhed man who was approaching them.  _ “Y kuut uha, duu!” _

He was slightly shorter than Auron, though the mass of spiky hair on his head made him look taller. He looked to be about Rikku’s age, and he was wearing an eye patch, though it was a flashy studded thing that seemed designed to draw attention to itself rather than detract.   He strutted towards them with a cocky swagger, like the whole world was a game he felt he was winning. Jecht had walked like that too. 

He was incredibly familiar, though Auron couldn’t quite figure out why.

“How you doing, Rikku?” he asked, holding out an arm. Rikku threw herself against his side, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

“It’s good to see you, Gippal!” she exclaimed. “It’s been too long.”

“I knew you couldn’t stay away,” he told her cockily. “I know I turned your pretty little head.”

_ “E ryda oui,” _ she scoffed, pinching his side and twisting until he squawked and pulled away from her.

“Man, you are brutal,” he complained. “Is that how you treat all your old flames?”

Auron stubbornly ignored the surge of jealousy rising up in his chest. It wasn’t as if Rikku was anything more than a friend to him, and even if she was it didn’t give him the right to police her whole life. But he had to admit, he really didn’t like the idea of this cocky asshole putting his hands on her.

“You’re just special, Gip,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes at him.

He stuck his tongue out at her and her loud, joyful laugh rang through the courtyard and echoed back off the walls. It was a gorgeous sound, and Auron didn’t think about how he’d never made her laugh like that before.

“What brings you this way, Ri-ri? If you’re looking to get on that excavation team for old Home, we’re already full up but I might be able to pull some strings…”

“That’s not why we’re here,” Rikku said. “We’re headed to Guadosalam and had to make a pit stop, actually. Are you really doing a salvage mission at Home? Pops blew it to smithereens, what do you think you’re gonna find?”

“Something useful, hopefully,” Gippal said.

His seemed to realize Auron was standing there then and refocused his attention. He looked Auron over with narrowed eyes and tilted his head a bit like a curious dog.

“Sorry,” Rikku said quickly. “This is…”

“A jackass,” Gippal said, and suddenly Auron remembered exactly why he looked so familiar. He couldn’t stop the chuckle that poured from his mouth, even as Rikku gasped, “Gippal!”

She paused, though, when she heard Auron laughing, and then looked even more concerned as he stretched out a hand to shake.

“Do you know each other?” she asked uncertainly, looking back and forth between them.

“We’ve met,” Auron said. “He gave me some advice.”

“He didn’t follow it,” Gippal said cheerfully. “Though I guess it worked out for the best in the end.”

“This is too weird,” Rikku said, her head still bouncing back and forth. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this.”

“What, you afraid of having all your boyfriends in one place?” Gippal asked, and Rikku’s face immediately went red.

“What?” she demanded. “I...you... _ fro tuac ajanouha gaab cyoehk dryd? _ ”

Auron didn’t need to know Al Bhed to understand what she meant. It was interesting, that for the second time in as many days someone made a comment about the nature of their relationship. Maybe his face was showing too much. Perhaps he needed to find a new pair of sunglasses…

Gippal barked out a loud laugh and then tweaked Rikku’s nose.

“It’s way too easy to wind you up, Cid’s Girl,” he said, and the affection in his voice was enough to make Auron’s metaphorical hackles rise, but he pushed the feeling down. He was not some hot-headed teenager with a crush. He was a rational adult. Really.

“We should be going,” he said abruptly, aware all the while that a cool and unconcerned facade was really not what he was presenting.

“What, you’re not gonna stay for lunch?” Gippal asked, looking to Rikku. “Shinra will be sad he missed you.”

Rikku looked to Auron then, her brow creasing as she studied his face with suspicion. He tried to remain blank-faced while also avoiding ducking his head, because apparently that was a dead give-away to her. She stared for several long seconds before she finally looked back to Gippal.

“Sorry, we can’t,” she said, with her usual good humor. “Originally we weren’t even planning on stopping here, and if we don’t leave now we won’t reach the Moonflow before dark. You know how bad the bandits get on the Southbank at night.”

“Well, all right,” Gippal said, shrugging gallantly. “I’ll tell Shinra you said ‘hey’.”

“Thanks, Gippal,” Rikku said, catching him in another hug. “See you around!”

Auron settled for a nod of the head, turning back to the bridge before he’d even finished. It was rude, maybe, but he’d been called worse things.

“So,” Rikku said as they made their way down the bridge. “We gonna talk about that?”

“Talk about what?” he asked blandly.

“You and Gippal,” she said. “You seemed okay at first, then you went totally frigid. I’ve seen warmer ice flans.”

“I don’t really know him,” Auron said, instead of directly answering the question. “We met very briefly once, during Yuna’s pilgrimage.”

“Okay,” she said, sounding skeptical. “But Auron…” She paused and let out a heavy sigh.

“What?” he asked, because it was unlike Rikku to not just blurt out everything that was on her mind.

“Maybe I’m crazy,” she said slowly. “But it kinda seemed like maybe you didn’t like Gippal because you were jealous?”

“Jealous,” he repeated, stalling for time as he decided what to say.

“Yeah...of how close we are? Were, I mean. Because, yeah, Gippal and I totally had a thing for a while but that was like...five years ago, at least, and it didn’t really work out. Obviously. I mean, we had fun but it really wasn’t right for either of us…”

“Rikku,” he interrupted her babbling sharply. She snapped her mouth shut.

“I may have been jealous,” he admitted, because why not? He was many things, emotionally stunted chief among them, but he wasn’t a coward. And it was better to face this head-on than continue to avoid and ignore it.

“Oh…” Rikku said. “I mean...really?”

“Yes,” he said, willing himself not to flush.

“Oh,” she said again.

They were both silent for a long moment as they got to the end of the bridge and turned onto the Southbank road.

“Are we going to talk about that?” Auron asked hesitantly. Part of him didn’t even want to ask, almost afraid of the answer, but most of him dreaded the idea of letting the question hang over their heads unasked.

“Yes,” she said firmly. “But not yet.”

“Not yet,” he repeated, incredulous. He hadn’t exactly declared his feelings for her, but he thought they had been implied. She had been the one to bring the subject up in the first place. And she responded with ‘not yet’?

“Uh huh,” she said. “I have to think about this a bit.”

“Okay,” he said, because there was nothing else he could say. 

She wanted to think and she had a right to that. He certainly wasn’t going to be pushy now after exerting so much effort not to be before. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to go crazy thinking about what she could possibly be thinking about, though.

Luckily, just then a fiend burst through the brush off the side of the path. It was choice, as far as distractions went, and Auron was ready and willing to throw himself head first into any distraction they came across.

It was certainly better than thinking.

* * *

They set up camp that night along the Moonflow. Their tent had been pitched on the little hollow of land right next to the moon lilies, which Auron thought was good for access to water and Rikku thought was good “atmosphere”. Rather bored of fish, they’d purchased some sort of fried meat and rice dish from a vendor near the notice board.

“You want me to fix your hair for you?” she asked, sometime after they’d finished eating. He’d been sitting silently, watching the pyreflies dance over the water in a kind of peaceful trance, but her question brought him up short.

“Fix my hair?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Since you used your hair tie as a tourniquet and it got all bloody and gross you’ve just been wearing it loose and it’s driving you nuts.”

Even as she said it, he furiously pushed some strands back behind his ear. It had been driving him a bit crazy, though he had done his best to twist it together and tuck it under his jacket to hold it in place.

“Maybe I should just cut it all off,” he mused thoughtfully. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d considered it. He had grown it out in defiance of Yevon when he’d left the ranks of the Warrior Monks, who kept their hair closely cropped or clean shaven entirely. He’d been bitter and angry and had grown it out to remind himself of that. By the time he had become Braska’s guardian four years later it had been almost to his waist when loose, and he’d become so used to it that he mostly just let it be. At this point, though, it was long only out of habit.

“I like your long hair,” she said, though not as if her opinion should have any bearing on his decision.  Still, it kind of did.

“It’s fine for now,” he said. It was almost too much to think about another big change when he was still trying to get used to everything else. He’d revisit it later. 

“So do you want my help or not?” she asked, her tone suggesting she hadn’t really followed his train of thought.

He took a moment to run through his mental backlog of Rikku hair styles and then compared that against his need to have his hair contained. Finally he heaved a sigh and fixed her with a stern look.

“No beads or feathers,” he said warningly.

“Ugh, you’re so boring,” she huffed, rolling her eyes. “Fine, no beads or feathers.”

She got up from her spot on the ground and came around to stand behind him. Someone looming behind him like that would usually put him on edge, but with Rikku he didn’t really mind. Her presence was more comforting than threatening, like even the deepest part of his lizard brain recognized her as someone safe.

“Cowl off,” she said, poking him in the back of his head gently.

“You’re so annoying,” he informed her flatly. 

Still, he unbuckled the cowl and pulled it over his head. It made him feel almost naked, sitting out there in the open with his whole face on display. Rikku made a pleased noise, though, and then buried her fingers in his hair. He had to admit, the way her fingers dragged through the strands like a makeshift brush felt really nice. He imagined it was how a cat felt when you scratched between their shoulder blades just right. Her fingers snagged a couple times, working out tangles, but overall it was a pleasant experience.

“So I’ve been thinking all day,” she said as she finished finger brushing his hair and pulled it all tight at the nape of his neck.

He fought the urge to let out a groan. Of course she would wait until she had him at her mercy, her hands tight in his hair, before she’d bring the subject of his jealousy back up.

“And?” he asked carefully.

“I’ve decided I don’t get you nearly as well as I thought I did,” she said. She started tugging at his hair gently, pulling the strands into what he was fairly sure was a braid.

“My apologies,” he offered, because he wasn’t quite sure what to say.

“Oh, don’t get all uptight on me,” she admonished, tugging his hair a little harder. Not enough to hurt, but more like a warning. “I just mean…I’ve been flirting with you for weeks and you never even reacted, but now you’re all jealous of the way I act with Gippal? Who I’ve known literally my entire life, by the way.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, thinking back over the past few weeks to try and look for evidence of flirting, but nothing stood out. She was just...Rikku. Familiar and friendly and bright.

“I...didn’t know you were flirting,” he admitted, feeling foolish.

“Seriously?” she asked, her hands stopping and her tight hold on his hair going slack. “Seeking you out when you were off on your own? All the smiling and gentle teasing? The lingering touches?”

To illustrate her point, she rested her hand on his shoulder near his neck—her fingers just barely brushing the bare skin his missing cowl had revealed—and squeezed before sliding her hand away with a lingering sort of caress. And, now that she mentioned it, it did seem to have more meaning than he had originally given it credit for. It made the hairs on the back of his neck rise up as a shiver ran through him.

“Oh,” he said.

He was suddenly grateful that she was standing behind him so that he didn’t have to look her in the face while they talked about this. It was easier to talk to the water in front of him than it was to another person. Maybe she’d known that all along, and her choice in timing had been more for his benefit than hers.

“Oh,” she repeated with a scoff. “I can’t believe you. I was giving you all my best moves and you didn’t even notice!”

“You could have said something,” he said defensively.

“Why would I say anything when I was flirting and you were a stone wall?” she retorted. “I thought you were making it clear you weren’t interested. So I just kinda backed off and figured we were just friends, which is totally fine, of course. But then you got all grumpy after our talk on the Mi’ihen Highroad the other day and I figured I’d pushed too hard and…”

She trailed off and then returned her focus to his hair, pulling it tight again.

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “I didn’t want to be pushy. I know you’ve had a hard time adjusting to being back and I want to help and I didn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything. Just now there’s this thing with the jealousy and I guess I just...I don’t know what you want. Which isn’t all that unusual, I guess, but I’ve always known where we stood and I don’t anymore and it sucks.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, as sincerely as he could manage. “I’m not the easiest person to be close to.”

“And I know that,” she exclaimed. “At this point I think I know you better than most everyone, except maybe Tidus. And all the work it takes to get under your defenses? I’m willing to do it. I just need to know how to approach this. Do you want to be with me, or not?”

He didn’t say anything for a long moment in favor of thinking. Rikku was...well, she was like light in the darkness. She always knew how to cheer him up. She was smart and funny and beautiful. She was absolutely fearless, wild and carefree in a way that almost made him remember a time when life had been worth living. Even when she’d been young, barely more than a child, she had always known exactly who she was and she had refused to apologize for it. He respected her a great a deal, and liked her even more. There were very few people who he could genuinely say that he liked, and she was very high up on that list.

She finished whatever she was doing with his hair and let it drop against his back, but she didn’t come around to look at him or push him for an answer. She just let him think. It was that, more than anything, that really made his decision. Because there was so much to like about her; there was so much she had to offer, and her smile could light up any room. But she was also a very caring person. She gave him his space when she thought he needed it, but didn’t let him get isolated in his own head. She treated him with respect and dignity, even when his behavior didn’t necessarily warrant it. She was good for him, good to him, and he wanted to be that for her as well.

“I do,” he said finally.

“You do?” she asked.

“Want to be with you,” he clarified. “You...make my life better.”

“And you say you aren’t good at feelings,” she cooed, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and squeezing him tightly. He leaned back against her warmth, squeezing his eye shut to better enjoy the feeling of her body pressed against his, the smell of her her hair and skin, and the small kiss she pressed against the side of his head, gently, like a secret.

The sound of a child’s shout from down the bank snapped him back to the present though, and he was suddenly very aware that they were out in the open where anyone could come along and see them. Not that he was ashamed, exactly, but…

“I’m not overly fond of public displays of affection,” he admitted, pulling forward out of her hold slowly, afraid to hurt her feelings.

“I could have guessed that,” she she said, letting him go and backing up a few steps. 

Just like that, the mood was broken. He almost felt badly about it, but there was plenty of time for that sort of thing later. Rikku seemed to agree, because she settled down on the ground next to him. If she sat a little closer than usual, neither of them were going to point it out.

* * *

 

He didn’t take the time to inspect what she’d done to his hair until they were heading out the next morning, and he was a little horrified to find that the end of the braid was held together by what looked like a knot.

“Did you tie a knot in my hair?” he accused.

“Not really, I just tucked the ends through the braid,” she said. “It’ll hold itself together with friction until you can find a new hair tie.”

“You’re sure about that?” he asked, dubious.

“What, don’t you trust me?” she asked wrinkling her nose at him.

“With my life,” he informed her, probably a little too sincerely.

“Then trust me with your hair,” she shot back. “Come on, I want to get a good spot on the Shoopuf. I love leaning over and looking at those ruins.”

“You mean you didn’t get a good enough look when you were down there lying in wait to kidnap my summoner?” Auron asked.

“In fact, I didn’t,” Rikku said, shooting him a glare. “I was distracted.”

“I’m sure,” he snorted.

“Really though,” she said, bouncing on her toes. “I’d love to go take a look around down there. Maybe I should talk to Gippal about a salvage mission. I mean, anything down there is probably fried from the water or caked with a thousand years’ worth of gunk, but I bet a lot of it is really cool. I mean, it has to be, right? Those people lived on  _ bridges over water _ .”

“And died when those bridges collapsed into the water,” Auron pointed out. “Maybe not as technologically advanced as you think.”

“Spoilsport,” Rikku shot back. “I’m just so impressed with the way people used to live, you know? On bridges over water or in buildings so tall you had to crane your head back just to see the tops! I’d love to live in a machina city.”

“It was almost too much, sometimes,” Auron confided. “Everything was always going all day every day. Even in the middle of the night I could go out and there would be people in the streets. It was hard to get a moment to yourself.”

“But it was Zanarkand,” she said, her voice almost reverent. “The biggest machina city in memory. Tell me about it.”

“I grew up in Bevelle, the biggest city in Spira,” he started, spanning his memory back to his usual haunts. It had been ten years since the dream had disappeared, and yet it shone in his memory like it was yesterday, “and Zanarkand was still overwhelmingly large when I first got there.”

“Oh yeah,” Rikku agreed. “When we came across the crest of Mt. Gagazet and saw the ruins for the first time, I swear I couldn’t breathe, it was so big.”

“And that wasn’t all of it,” Auron informed her. “The city was so large it was split into four districts, which were each split into four neighborhoods. Two of the districts were built below sea-level and the water was held back by dams. District A, where Tidus and I lived, was built on top of the water. Docks, though, not bridges. In the real Zanarkand, when Sin attacked, the dams gave out and the docks sank and three quarters of the city was flooded. It’s all underwater now.”

“So all those old ruins were just a quarter of the whole city?” Rikku asked, breathless.

“Yes,” he said. “And millions of people lived there.”

“Millions,” she breathed. “Wow.”

“It was an incredible city, even if I only experienced an imitation of it. Sometimes I forgot it wasn’t real.”

“It was as real as Tidus is,” Rikku said. “So that’s real enough for me. I wish I could have gone.”

“I’m not sure a living person could have,” Auron told her. “Sin was meant to protect it from exactly that, after all. But I think you would have liked it.”

“Yeah?” she asked, casting a stunning smile at him.

“Yes. Everything was run with machina. There were even machina that you could buy drinks from. You put the gil in and it would prepare fresh coffee or hot chocolate. Some of them did juice. And there were large machina pathways that ran through the whole city. You just stood on them and they would move you from place to place.”

“That sounds great!” she said. “I kinda remember that, from Seymour’s sphere. I mean, it was like being slammed with way too much information at once, so I couldn’t really see everything because I was so busy looking. I wish I could get my hands on that sphere and explore a little. We wasted so much time looking at Yunalesca, that old toad.”

She grimaced then, whipping her head around to stare at him apologetically.

“It’s fine,” he said, a little amused. “I won’t go into hysterics just hearing her name.”

“I might, if it were me,” Rikku said. “That was just...it was terrible, Auron. And you just had to stand there and listen to people talk about how wonderful she was and…”

“I know,” he said. “But I beat that particular demon already.”

“Literally,” she added, and then, obviously changing the subject, “I don’t know how you and Tidus can live here after living in a place like Zanarkand. Spira must feel so slow and boring.”

“Spira is home, for better or worse,” Auron said honestly. “And the only reason I ever stayed in Zanarkand was for Tidus.”

“I still wish I could see it with my own eyes, though,” she sighed. “Even if I didn’t want to stay there, you know?”

“I know,” he assured her. “It was like nothing else I’ve ever seen.”

Up ahead of them, the hypello were bumbling about loading passengers onto the boarding lift. They picked up their pace a little, Rikku waving her arms excitedly to indicate that they should hold the lift.

“Two pashengersh?” the hypello at the loading gate asked.

“Uh-huh!” Rikku said, not looking at the hypello as she was busy digging through her hip pouch in search of something.

“400 gil, pleashe,” the hypello said, it’s large yellow eyes goggling over them as Auron shifted uncomfortably.

Rikku let out a little ‘aha!’ as she finally located her gil purse--a little zippered pouch shaped like a cactuar--and dug out the correct amount. Auron waited until after she’d paid and they’d filed onto the lift to ask his question.

“There’s a fee for the Shoopuf?” he asked, keeping his voice low so as not to attract attention to his lack of knowledge. Unlike Tidus, Auron believed in discretion.

“Oh yeah,” Rikku nodded. “Yevon used to pay for it, right? Well, then Yevon went kaput, go us, and when New Yevon came into power they tried to keep it going for a few years. Except most of Spira is still kinda wary about Yevon-anything, so they aren’t really pulling in the same amount of gil as they did when they were getting tithes from literally everyone.”

“So they just couldn’t afford the upkeep anymore,” Auron said.

“Right,” Rikku said. “For a while it looked like the whole operation was gonna go under and everyone was gonna have to figure out how to cross the Moonflow on their own, but then someone stepped up and helped the Hypello organize and come up with prices. I think everyone was just so happy they weren’t gonna have to learn how to swim that they decided paying for it wasn’t a big deal.”

The lift stopped at the carriage strapped to the Shoopuf’s back and Rikku had no qualms about nudging people aside and slipping through small spaces in order to get on first. Auron heaved a sigh, accepting the glares people sent his way with grace. This was where he had chosen to lay his affections, after all.

Rikku picked the seat closest to the rope gate, practically vibrating with excitement, and propped her legs up onto the seat next to her, apparently to save it for him. Which was nice, but also earned him a few more glares, as if Rikku were a particularly disobedient puppy he was failing to control and not a fully grown woman. He returned the glares then, and with his general disposition, scarred face, and large sword, they seemed to think better of openly challenging him and quickly averted their eyes. He hmpfed with satisfaction and Rikku, who had been watching, shook her head and grinned fondly at him.

In response, he pushed her feet off the seat and sat down, enjoying the way she squawked, flailed, and almost overbalanced herself to the floor.

“Mean,” she pouted.

“Putting your feet on other people’s seats is rude,” he responded and her pout got even more pronounced.

She quickly forgot to be upset, though, when the Shoopuf started moving. She immediately got up on her knees on the seat and leaned out over the edge of the carriage so she could see into the water.

“The ruins are at the middle of the lake,” he reminded her.

“I know, but you can still see all sorts of cool stuff besides the ruins,” she informed him, leaning out a little bit farther. It gave him heart palpitations.

“If you fall in there I’m not coming in after you,” he warned, rather than telling her she was making him nervous.

“I hope not,” she retorted. “You can’t even swim.”

Which...was a fair point.

“And anyway,” she said, her eyes glinting mischievously. “If you fall in, the Shoopuf will scoop you up with it’s nose! Yunie told me about it!”

“Rikku, I promise you if you jump off this Shoopuf I will leave you on the Northbank,” he said sternly.

“You will not,” she retorted with certainty. “And Yunie…”

“Yuna was seven years old,” Auron told her seriously. “You are an adult.”

“Ugh, fine,” she grumbled. “But I’m still gonna lean really far out, so if you’re that worried, hold on to me or something.”

That wasn’t a terrible idea, either, so he reached out and grabbed the best hand-hold he could find on her, which happened to be her belt. It wasn’t actually threaded through her belt loops, just sitting at an angle on her hips. She yelped when he wrapped his hand around it, looking down in shock before she realized what had happened.

“I was just kidding, you know,” she said.

“And yet I think this is the most effective method to keep you on the Shoopuf,” he informed her.

She stared at him for a long moment and then rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, Boss,” she said. “Just hold on tight.”

She turned her attention back to leaning as far as humanly possible out of the Shoopuf, and he turned his back to the inside of the carriage. He wasn’t particularly surprised to find that everyone else was staring at them and whispering amongst themselves. He was fine with that, though; he’d had a lifetime of stares and whispers.

He kept his face blank and one hand latched around Rikku’s belt, and he settled in for the ride.

She, of course, spent the whole time testing his nerves by using his hold on her as an excuse to lean out even farther, to the point that even the Hypello guiding the Shoopuf meekly asked her to stop. Eventually, she settled for keeping everything below the bend of her waist firmly inside the carriage and leaning her whole top half out.

She oohed and ahhed the whole way through, babbling about how she was definitely going to talk to Gippal about a salvage mission. Auron was relieved when the Shoopuf finally docked on the Northbank and she decided that looking down at the platform wasn’t nearly as exciting as the water had been. The rest of the passengers seemed to be relieved to be free of her chatter, and the unloading process went much quicker than Auron was used to.

They didn’t pause at the Northbank port, just pushed right along. It was only a few hours to Guadosalam now and every one of Auron’s nerve endings sparked with impatience. They were almost to the Farplane.

“Hey!” Rikku exclaimed as they got close to the path that arched off through the woods, towards Guadosalam. She grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him over to the side of the path. Bemused, he let her direct him until he was standing exactly where she deemed fit.

“What are you doing?” he asked when she finally let him go.

“This,” she said, indicating the area with a wave of her waggling fingers, “is where we first met!”

He paused, surprised at the sentiment, and looked around. It was indeed where he had first seen her, when she had asked to be a guardian and Yuna had asked his permission, as if it were his decision to make.

“So it is,” he said, because he wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to say. It certainly had been the first place they met, but they hadn’t really become friendly until much later.

“So that makes it kinda special, don’t you think?” she asked.

“I suppose so,” he allowed.

Rikku rolled her eyes.

“You have no sense for potential romance, do you?” she demanded.

“Apparently not,” he said, looking around again. It was a scraggy little riverbank off the edge of the Moonflow. It wasn’t as if there were any atmosphere; there weren’t even moon lilies.

“Ugh, okay, so it doesn’t have a lot of presence,” she admitted. “But! This place is important to us, whether you know it or not. It’s where we met, Auron, it’s the beginning of what led us to this moment right now!”

“And such a thrilling moment it is,” he said dryly.

“Ugh, you’re such a jerk,” she sighed. “Just indulge me, okay?”

“As you wish.”

“I’m so glad you said that,” she said, her eyes lighting up. “Because I know you said that you don’t like public affection and I totally get that. But…”

“But?” he asked, already dreading her answer.

“But I want you to kiss me for the first time right here, where we first met.”

He stared at her for a long moment, unsure if she was joking or not, but the look on her face was deadly serious.

“Just like that?” he asked. He had expected her to want something more natural. Allowing it to happen in the moment, rather than as a purposeful arrangement. Maybe that had been a mistake on his part, though. Rikku was easy going, certainly, but she'd never been one to wait for the boat to come to shore if she was able to swim out to it. 

“Well, yeah,” she said. “I mean if it really really makes you uncomfortable we don’t have to, I just think it would nice. Symbolic or something, right? Circle of life.”

And that, well…

There were a lot of circles in Auron’s life. Everything seemed to be an endless spiral, the snake biting its own tail. New beginnings that always ended up following the same path. But this...this was a chance for a positive circle for once. One that didn’t revolve around death and failure and anger and pain. One that revolved, instead, around Rikku: brightness and light and joy.

Mind made up, he glanced around to make sure there was no one too close to them for his own peace of mind, and then reached out to cup her face between his hands. Her eyes went a little wide with anticipation, and she rose up on her toes to meet him as he leaned down.

The kiss seemed to burn. It was chaste, only a dry press of lips, but everything about it made his senses go haywire. The heat of her skin and the smell of her hair and the firm press of her lips underneath his made his head spin with want. He wanted to press closer to her, to hold her tight against his chest and kiss her deeply, until she was dark-eyed and gasping for him. But those feelings were not for this moment. 

This moment was about a first kiss with someone he cared deeply for. It was supposed to be sweet and gentle and kind. He could give her that. If the way her mouth followed his as he pulled away was any indication, there would be plenty of time for all the rest later. He acquiesced to one more quick press of lips and then straightened up to his full height, where she couldn’t reach and tempt him into more.

“Wow,” she breathed after a moment. “That was...really really nice. Better than I imagined.”

“Did you imagine it a lot?” he asked, half teasing and half genuinely curious.

“Oh yeah,” she said, like it was obvious. “I had such a big crush on you on Yunie’s pilgrimage, you know.”

He was fairly sure his eyebrows almost flew off his forehead and into orbit with how fast he raised them at her. She didn’t seem to notice, setting off down the road the Guadosalam with a pronounced skip in her step. He followed after her, flabbergasted.

“You did?” he asked disbelievingly. “ _ Why? _ ”

“Uh, because you’re gorgeous, duh,” she said, rolling her eyes. 

“Once, maybe,” he said a bit ruefully. 

He was tall and he’d spent his whole life training as a fighter, so he’d always been in good shape. And when he was young he’d had attractive enough facial features, everything symmetrical with a strong nose and jaw, even though he’d often been told he looked too stern. 

But now, well…

He certainly hadn’t aged as well as he could have, which was mostly his own fault. As an unsent, he didn’t age naturally, so he’d had to do his best to gauge it on his own so that no one would ask questions. Perhaps he’d been a bit overzealous and aged himself beyond what was normal for a thirty-five year old, but he had felt so very old and tired that it had seemed appropriate at the time. And then, of course, there was the gift Yunalesca had left him with. The scar was a lot of things, but it certainly wasn’t attractive. He wasn’t usually overly concerned with his looks, but when she called him gorgeous there was a part of his brain that just snorted derisively.

“Um, no, always,” Rikku corrected. He supposed if she thought so, he shouldn’t argue with her. “And you had that whole cool devil may care attitude. Plus, that thing you do where you kill a huge scary fiend in one hit? I was kind of into that. Still am.”

“You were fifteen.” It wasn’t really the most poignant thing to say, but it was all that he could think of. There were no children in Spira, not really. And she had, technically, been an adult by Spiran law. But she had still been so very young. Too young, even if he hadn’t been solely focused on revealing Yevon’s true face and freeing Jecht.

“Well, yeah,” she acknowledged with a shrug. “I mean, it wasn’t like I really thought anything would happen. I think it was kind of a hero worship thing, you know? You always stuck up for me when people were mean because I’m Al Bhed, and occasionally you’d do that thing where you’d guard me while I was trying to make a mix in the middle of a battle and you know? Having a big strong man throw himself between you and a rampaging fiend? Very flattering.”

“So all this time…” he trailed off, unsure of how he felt about that. He hated to think of her alone and pining for something she’d never even had. It was so opposite of his view of who she was as a person...

“Well, no, not really,” she said, much to his relief. “I mean, yeah for a while. But then, you know, you were dead and I was alive and I kinda fondly remembered you but moved on with my life. I had that thing with Gippal for a while, and a couple of others. My friend Paine and I tried to date for a while, but we were better off as friends, in the end.”

“And now it’s back to me,” he said.

“Yep,” she said cheerfully. “It’s different now, though. I mean...I’m older. I’ve seen more, done more, had a few serious relationships. I’m not some starry-eyed teenager mooning over her second chance with her first crush, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No,” he said, even though it was a bit of a lie. 

He got enough hero worship, after all. He didn’t want or need it from her. But Rikku didn’t treat him like he was all knowing or some sort of incredible, infallible man. In fact, she called him out on his shit almost daily. The only other person who did that was Tidus, who had always known Auron as an odd sort-of parental figure, not as a legend.

“Well, good,” she said. “Because I like to think we’re on a more even ground here and now. When I look at you I don’t see a flawless paragon of Spira’s past. You look at me and you don’t see a fifteen year old in way over her head. I mean, we have a shared past and it’s important. It helped make us who we are right now; adults who think we can fit together. But I’m not interested in you now because of my teenage crush. I’m interested because you’re a good man and I like being around you. Okay?”

“Okay” he said, relief warming his chest.

“Good,” she said, pinning him with a grin. “I know you much better now than I ever did then. We talk and we share and we’re equals. And I love that.”

He reached out, suddenly overflowing with sentiment and affection, and tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear. Her grin melted into something a little warmer, a little more private, and it made him brave enough to admit, “I do too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re confused about that exchange between Auron and Gippal, watch Gippal’s sphere from FFX-2 on YouTube


	5. Chapter 5

Auron’s whole body was buzzing with anxiety when they reached the entrance to Guadosalam around mid afternoon. When they had left Luca, he had firmly told himself that he might not get any answers here, and that he had to be okay with that. But now that he was there, he had to admit that he hadn’t curbed his expectations very well. The Fayth had to have his answers, because they were the only powers capable of this kind of magic. The only other beings that came close were summoners. Summoners could bring forth aeons, which were spirits of the dead. They could forcibly send the dead to the Farplane. But restoring life to someone who had died? That was far beyond their skills

Every fiber of his being was thrumming with the idea that answers were here, because they had to be. If they weren’t, he had no idea what to do or where to go, and he couldn’t live like that. The Fayth had to know, and they had to tell him, because otherwise what was the point? What was the point of being here, alive again, after everything? Was it for a purpose? Was it some form of punishment? 

“Auron?” Rikku said questioningly, jarring him from his thoughts. 

He realized he’d come to a stop in the antechamber that led down to the cavern where the city was hidden, built into the root network of the forest that edged the north side of the Moonflow. 

“Sorry,” he said, shaking his head.

“We don’t have to do this,” she said. “If you’ve changed your mind.”

“I have to know,” he said, because there was nothing else to say.

“I figured,” she said. “But I thought I’d offer an out anyway.”

Even he wasn’t sure what the look he cast her meant, but it was a messy combination of exhaustion, gratefulness, and desperation. She poked him gently on the shoulder in response, and though it was a mostly nonsensical moment he found himself suddenly ready to enter the city.

“Let’s go,” he said.

Unlike most of the places he’d seen so far, Guadosalam looked exactly as he remembered it. That was to be expected, though. Even after converting to Yevon and deciding to coexist with the rest of Spira, the Guado had mostly kept to themselves. They had kept their own traditions, their way of life, their traditional dress. The Guado fancied themselves superior to the other races of Spira, and as such they very pointedly refused to assimilate. It looked as if that were still the case.

“So Tromell is the leader of the Guado, now,” Rikku explained as they made their way towards the center of the city.

“Tromell?” Auron asked, surprised. “After everything he did to help Seymour?”

He mostly seemed like a doddering old man, but Auron had witnessed first hand what he was willing to do, and who he was willing to kill, to protect his master. He was far too sly to be trusted.

“Well, the Guado needed someone to lead them, or they were going to die out,” Rikku shrugged. “He was the only one who would even know where to start.”

“And you trust him?” Auron asked carefully. “Even after Home?”

She flinched at that and then shrugged with affected nonchalance. “Well I wouldn’t say I trust them, but there were a lot of Guado that had nothing to do with Home.  Kids and old people, you know?  They don’t deserve to die just because of what others of their species did.”

“That’s a very clear-headed view,” he commented carefully.  

He remembered with vivid clarity the look on her face when she came to the crest of the sand dune and saw her Home in flames.  The way she’d tried to put on a brave face and hide her tears when Cid had decided to blow the place up.  She had been utterly devastated, but she’d pushed it down and focused on Yuna, as a guardian should.  He wondered if this calm and collected countenance was just another consequence of her putting aside her feelings for duty.

“Spira has seen enough death,” she said with finality. “No one should ever be victimized because of the way they’re born. If Tromell leading keeps the peace, that’s a good thing.  The Guado are important to Spira. I mean, they've restored order to the Farplane, which is why we’re here.”

She was obviously changing the subject, so he let it go.  He didn’t have to needle and press at all of her feelings, particularly not when they were in the Couerl’s den.  Instead, he just nodded in agreement and didn’t protest when she took him by the hand and started leading him up toward the Farplane.

“This okay?” she asked as they walked, giving their interlaced fingers a shake. “I swear I’m not trying to push past all your boundaries…”

“It’s fine,” he said, surprised to find that it was true. 

He didn’t usually like feeling restricted, or like he wasn’t ready for a fight at all times, and having to untangle his fingers from someone else’s could waste critical seconds. But this didn’t seem like a hindrance at all. It seemed like a connection and a comfort all in one, and it pleased him to indulge her.

He found himself slowing, though, as they reached the staircase that led up to the viewing platform. It had been a very long time since he had come into the Farplane this way, and he had an absurd urge to stop right on the staircase and refuse to go any farther. He hadn’t lied, all those years ago, when he told Tidus he had no need to seek out the past in order to find his future. He had always known where he was going. Now, though…

Now he was lost. Adrift and uncertain and barely hanging on. Now, he had no choice but to go into the Farplane and seek answers, and he hated how powerless that made him feel. The idea of going in there and begging for answers…it made his skin prickle and hurt his pride.

But there was no other choice.

“I’ll come with you,” Rikku said, still clutching his hand. Clearly she sensed his turmoil, even if she was kind enough not to say so.

“No,” he said, a little too quickly.

“Auron…”

“No,” he repeated, a little more gently. “Thank you, but no. I don’t…”

He wasn’t sure how to tell her that he didn’t want her to witness him begging for answers. She’d already seen him at so many of his lowest points, but this was just too much. 

“Okay,” she said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. 

Maybe it was, and he was just too self-conscious. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, he was concerned about how someone viewed him. About what she saw when she looked at him.

“I’ll wait here for you, then.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” he said.

The steps weren’t particularly comfortable, they both knew that from experience. In fact, he recalled her many various complaints from the last time they had been here together. She’d managed to bemoan everything from boredom to her sore backside to his refusal to play any of the multiple card games she’d suggested.

“I’ll be fine!” she chirped. “I still always carry a deck of cards, you know.”

“Rikku,” he insisted. “I don’t know how long I’ll be. You’ll be bored and uncomfortable. Why don’t you explore the city for a while, maybe get us a room for the night?”

“Are you sure?” she asked, her eyes searching his face for some sort of sign that he didn’t mean what he was saying. “I don’t mind waiting…”

“I’m sure,” he said firmly. “There’s no need for you to sit around waiting for me.”

She bit her lip, looking thoughtful, and then nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll see you later, then.”

He nodded, bad with words as always, and then continued up the stairs. He didn’t let himself stop or hesitate, afraid that he might not go at all if he let himself think about it any more. He walked with purpose, straight through the veil that separated realities. He didn’t think about what would happen if he couldn’t leave again. He especially didn’t think about how he felt about that possibility.

Instead, he walked to the edge of the viewing platform, opposite from a woman and her small son who were speaking to an image of what appeared to be the boy’s father. His stomach lurched at the sight of it. It was far too familiar and striking, and it was the sort of thing that destroying Sin had been meant to end forever. But Sin or no, life still went on, and with it came death.

He turned away from them and sucked in a surprised breath when he saw an image of Jecht floating before him. It was the obvious choice, given the mother and child across the way, but it still surprised him all the same. Jecht looked just as he remembered him, though he supposed that was to be expected. That was how the pyreflies worked, after all. 

It was good to see his cocky grin again. The last time Auron had seen him, they had been fighting on opposite sides. Jecht hadn’t been himself then, though he had tried for Tidus’ benefit. He’d been too serious, too sad. Weighed down by the anguish of everything he had done as Sin, only able to exert the smallest measure of control over himself and the lives he destroyed.

But this Jecht was the one he’d traveled with for months. The one who could talk of nothing but his Zanarkand and his wife and child, who he clearly loved and missed very much, even if he didn’t know how to say it. They had bickered and argued and hated and loved each other in turns. They had fought side by side, and had died for each other and for Braska and for Spira. And now Auron was here, and Jecht was dead.

“Hello, old friend,” he said, even though he was fairly sure from his own experiences that Jecht wouldn’t actually hear him, and the projection of fireflies really were just memories like the Al Bhed said.

He regarded Jecht’s visage in silence until the mother and child made their way out of the Farplane, leaving him alone on the viewing platform. He looked around to make sure that he was alone, and when he turned back, Jecht was gone. There was only the landscape of the Farplane Abyss, bursting with flowers and freely flowing water. It was a breathtaking sight to be sure, but he always wondered how a place of death could be filled with endless life.

“I don’t know what else to do,” he said, after several minutes of staring silently at the falling water and the petals dancing in a phantom wind. He didn’t speak any louder than he might have normally; he didn’t think it would help. He paused for a long moment, waiting, and when no answer came, he continued.

“I did what I supposed to do,” he said. “I kept my promises to my friends. I looked after Tidus, I protected Yuna. I guided them, in the best way I knew how, so that they could come to the right conclusions and free you, and Jecht. I spent ten long years aching for my rest. I earned it. So why am I here?”

Again he waited, and again there was no answer. Nothing appeared to him. There was no sudden sense of understanding and purpose. He was just a tired man talking to thin air and hoping for a solution.

“Is there something I’m supposed to do?” he asked. “Another service I’m meant to perform? What good could possibly come from me being here?”

More silence.

“Please,” he said, hating the way his voice cracked just slightly on the word.

_ Why am I here? _ The nasty voice in the back of his brain whispered.  _ Why am I here when so many others are not? When Braska and Jecht are not? _

He hated those questions and the way they rose up inside him like cruel hot pokers stabbing his insides. Because those were the questions, weren’t they? They always had been. Back all those years ago, when Braska had summoned Jecht, his Final Aeon, and Auron had fought Sin by his side, he hadn’t expected to survive. Guardians never did. 

But then the battle had been over. Sin had shrieked, loud and inhuman and awful and burst into a million pyreflies. Braska had turned to look at him, exhausted and ashen-faced and so beautifully, wonderfully alive. And then Yu Yevon had struck, wrapping itself up inside an armor made of Jecht and Braska’s bond. It had taken that sacred joining of two souls and ripped it apart, stealing the magic for itself, and Braska had screamed like something had been torn right out of him. 

Auron had never heard such an awful sound before, and it shook him to his core to hear it from his friend’s throat. He’d hurried forward to help, to protect his summoner as he had done for many long, hard months, but it had been too late. He’d hardly taken a step when Braska’s eyes had rolled up into his head and he’d collapsed. He was dead before he hit the ground, and pyreflies before Auron could get to his side.

And then he had been alone in the center of the Calm Lands, exhausted and heartbroken but alive. After the overwhelming rush of grief had passed enough for him to think, his first thought had been to question why he was still alive. His second had been to demand answers, and the only place he could think to go had been to Yunalesca. 

He had gone back up Gagazet on his own, angry and numb and alive. When he had come back down, he was dying and a legend. The only guardian to ever survive the battle against Sin.

It had been an honor he’d wanted no part of, and he’d spent ten years in Zanarkand actively not thinking about it. But the question had always begged in the back of his brain, demanding to know why he had been the one to live, even if he had quickly thrown his life away in a fit of desperation and rage only a few short weeks later.

And now, here he was. Twenty years, another pilgrimage, and a Sending later, asking the same exact questions he’d always been asking. Yet another spiral.

“I’m not going anywhere until I get some answers,” he said angrily. “I’ll stay here until I rot, if that’s what it takes.”

His threats didn’t solicit any answers, but Auron was nothing if not stubborn. He sat down on the floor, cross-legged, and settled in to wait. Waiting was something he was very good at doing. He’d waited ten long years in Zanarkand. He’d waited for Yuna and his fellow guardians to learn the truth on their own terms, in their own time. He’d waited so very long for what he had thought would be his final rest. He could wait for answers, too.

* * *

He lost track of time, after a while, falling into a peaceful sort of meditation he’d learned a whole lifetime ago among the ranks of the Warrior Monks. It was almost a sort of trance that allowed for the quick passage of time while also keeping him aware enough to protect himself if need be.

So when Rikku settled beside him on the viewing stone with a canvas bag of fragrant smelling food, it didn’t shock him, but he was a bit surprised. He opened his eye and turned to shoot her a disgruntled look.

“Hey, I wasn’t going to come in,” she said, holding up her hands in a surrendering gesture. “But you’ve been in here going on nine hours and you have to eat something.”

As soon as she said it, his stomach gave a large, demanding rumble and he realized he was starving. Rikku gave him a pointed look, like she’d heard it, and then started digging food out of the bag. She pulled out some sort of thick rice and vegetable stew and then a couple pieces of a small, hard, purple fruit.

“What is all this?” he asked, looking dubiously at the stew. The more he looked, the less the rice looked like rice and the more it looked like some sort of mashed-up white blob with the same texture as a bunch of rice.

“No idea,” she said brightly. “I just walked around the food stalls until I saw something that smelled good and got that. You know the Guado don’t eat meat?”

He hadn’t known that. The Guado had always been a particularly private people, keeping to themselves and upholding their own traditions and ways with a fervent sort of vigor. He had never stopped to eat in Guadosalam, either. The first two times he had passed through quickly, guiding Braska down to Spira’s southernmost islands and then back up again all the way north. The third time he had been too busy brooding about Yuna—a girl who had been raised by the temple and seemed to have very little of her Father’s spirit in the ways of disregarding rules—and how he was going to get her to see Yevon’s true face. He hadn’t felt the need to partake of Seymour’s offered spread, though he remembered Rikku and her bulging cheeks had had no such reservations.

“I didn’t,” he confirmed out loud, taking the bowl she offered him and beginning to eat on automatic. He was surprised to find that it really was good, though he still wasn’t sure what the rice-like paste was. It was flavorful and good in a different way than the Al Bhed food he’d been eating a lot of lately, smoky rather than spicy.

“Man, those Guado sure know how to eat,” Rikku gushed, lifting her bowl a little closer to her mouth to faster shovel the food in. He huffed at her in amusement.

“Don’t choke.”

She swallowed with difficulty and sent him a dark look.

“Please, I’m not Tidus. I know how to chew.”

She returned her attention to her food with a laser-like focus, so he did the same, eating methodically but with little enjoyment. The food was good, but he was preoccupied. When they had finished with their stew, Rikku cracked one of the little purple fruits open like a nut to reveal dozens of juicy-looking lurid pink seeds inside. She didn’t hesitate before digging one out with her fingers and popping it into her mouth.

“Ooh!” she squealed, pleased. She grabbed another seed before offering the fruit to him, and he tried one out of curiosity. The flavor exploded across his tongue, strong and sweet enough to make him wince.

“You don’t like it?” she asked.

“Too sweet,” he confirmed. 

She shrugged nonchalantly and pulled the fruit back towards herself.

“Have you heard anything yet?” she asked, so casually that he suspected she already knew the answer.

“No,” he said bitterly.

“Hey!” Rikku yelled, suddenly enough to make him jump in surprise. “Why don’t you come down off your high chocobos and give us some answers, here?”

For a moment, Auron’s heart sat in his throat, hoping that just being more brash and bossy might produce different results. Much to his disappointment, however, the Farplane stayed utterly silent but for the sound of crashing water.

“Huh,” Rikku said, a pout forming on her face. “I didn’t really think that would work, but I was kinda hoping anyway, you know?”

“I know,” Auron said.

“Are you gonna keep sitting here?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “For a while.”

“Can I sit with you?” she asked.

He thought about it for only a moment before he nodded. All the reasons that he’d thought of earlier to keep her away seemed unimportant now. It was better to have her here with him than it was to sit alone waiting for answers that wouldn’t come. And when she scooted across the ground until she was pressed up against his side and then forcibly lifted his arm around her shoulders, it was the least alone he’d felt in a long time.

* * *

Days passed and no answers came.  Auron spent most of his time in the Farplane, passing long days and even longer nights on the viewing platform.  Sometimes he silently asked, sometimes he begged, and sometimes he yelled, demanding answers or even hints.  It was all met with the same infuriating silence, a sort of indifference that rattled him to his core.  The Fayth had brought him back.  They had to have.  They were the only force on Spira with that kind of power.  So why wouldn’t they tell him why?

“How long are you planning on staying here?” Rikku asked four days later as she came to drag him off to bed in the early hours of the morning, just as she had every night since they’d arrived. “I think the Guado guard outside is starting to get really suspicious of your motivations.”

He snorted in response but didn’t look away from the swirling vortex spire on the horizon he’d been watching for several hours. It seemed to move continuously, with no hesitation or gaps. Just a perfect mass spiraling into the sky. He wasn’t sure if it was water or pyreflies or a summoning or something else; something unfamiliar to his limited knowledge of his own world. Whatever it was, it was almost eerily beautiful, and it had him entranced.

“Auron,” she said, demanding.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. 

Privately, he thought he might wait forever, if he had to. He had no other point, no other purpose. He could sit around in Besaid or in Luca or in any number of places, dissatisfied and angry, or he could sit here in the Farplane and maybe be stubborn enough to get some answers.

“Auron…”

“I don’t know, Rikku,” he snapped.

“What exactly do you think this is going to accomplish?” Rikku asked snappishly.

“I don’t…”

“Do not tell me you don’t know,” she interrupted harshly. 

He finally tore his eyes away from the spire to look at her. She was looming over him, her arms crossed over her chest and he eyes burning with frustration. She was beautiful, though he supposed he wasn’t meant to think so when she was glaring at him.

“What do you want me to say, then?” he asked her, not bothering to stand.  It would give him the advantage of being able to look down on her, make her feel smaller as she was doing to him, but he found he didn’t care enough to make the effort. It all seemed pointless.

“I want you to tell me what is the purpose of sitting here day in and day out? What are we doing?”

“I need to know…”

“I think it’s really obvious at this point that the Fayth aren’t answering,” Rikku said harshly. “I don’t know if they can’t or if they won’t, but whatever the reason, they’re not coming.”

It burned because he knew she was right. They weren’t coming. Either they didn’t have the power or they didn’t have the inclination. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Either they had plucked him out of his eternal rest for a purpose, or he was just here for no reason and expected to make the best of it. He could live with the first one. The second…he was less sure. And either way it seemed that no answer was forthcoming.

“So what do you suggest I do then, Rikku?” he asked, sounding more tired and irritated than desperate.

“Something other than this!” she said, throwing her hands up. “I don’t know, Auron. I don’t know any more about this than you do. But I do know that sitting here in the Farplane waiting for a solution that’s not going to come isn’t going to help. It didn’t help in Besaid, it didn’t help in Luca. It won’t help here.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” he admitted helplessly.

Her face softened considerably and she dropped down to crouch next to him. No longer looming, but on his level. Concerned rather than frustrated.

“I don’t know either,” she said. “But it can’t be this, Auron. We knew when we left Luca that there might not be anything to find here…”

“I’d hoped that there would be, though,” he said. “I hoped too much.”

“Me too,” she admitted. “But now…”

“Now,” he agreed.

“Now we have to do something else, Auron. I can’t stay here anymore…”

“No one’s making you,” he reminded her. It sounded more accusatory than he meant it to.

“I’m not going to leave you here alone to wallow in your self-pity,” she said waspishly.

She took a breath and then fixed her face in something calmer and more understanding.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to fight with you. But Auron, you know you’re not thinking clearly, right? Isolating yourself in here, among the memories of the dead...it’s not good for you. And it’s not helping.”

He knew she was right, of course. She had a much better view on the situation than he did. He was too emotionally conflicted; too close. He couldn’t back up and look at it objectively. He only knew that he he didn’t know anything, and that it was driving him absolutely crazy. He couldn’t bear to go back to Luca knowing nothing more than he had when he left. It would feel too much like failure, and he’d had a lifetime full of that already.

“I don’t…” he said, and then stopped, because saying the same thing over and over again wasn’t helpful either.

“Let’s get out of here,” she wheedled. “We’ll go back to the inn and get a good night’s sleep and figure it out from there, okay?”

He looked at her then, really looked at her. He saw the concern in her bright eyes and the way she chewed anxiously on her lip. She almost looked like she wanted to reach out and touch him or hold him. Anything to try and take this anger and helplessness off his shoulders. He was struck, not for the first time, by how good she was. She cared deeply and fought bravely, even when she was fighting against people she cared about.  He didn’t deserve her affection.  But he wanted to.

“Okay,” he agreed.

“Okay?” she asked, and when he nodded a smile broke over her face.  

She waited patiently while he got to his feet and paced a little to wake his legs up.  She smiled all the way back to the inn, where she imperiously bossed him into the shower and then into his bed.

“I don’t need you to tuck me in, Rikku,” he informed her as she did just that. “I’m a grown man.”

“Maybe I’m just trying to trap you in blankets so you can’t sneak out before I wake up again,” she retorted, but she let the blankets go and retreated into the bathroom all the same.

He was asleep before she came back out.

…

_ His muscles were screaming with exhaustion and he was almost blinded with his own sweat, but he heard it loud and clear when Sin gave a loud shriek and started collapsing in on itself like a deflating balloon.  For a moment, he thought it must be a trick.  Some sort of feint to fool them into a false sense of security, but then he realized.  They’d actually done it.  They’d defeated Sin. _

_ He swiped his arm over his face to clear his vision and cast his gaze around for Braska.  He was surprised and overjoyed to find his friend still standing.  It seemed impossible.  Sin was dying, the Final Aeon had been called, and there Braska stood, alive and breathing, though looking a lot worse for wear.  He was surprised enough by his own survival.  That Braska had defied all odds seemed too good to be true. _

_ “I…” he started to say, and then Braska was screaming, seizing, collapsing.  Auron tried to run to him but it was like running through molasses.  No matter how many steps he took, Braska seemed to get farther away.  There was nothing he could do to stop the pain, stop the screaming.  He couldn’t even offer comfort. _

_ Then, suddenly, Yuna was there.  Not a child, a little girl who had lost her father, but a young woman with determination on her face and large black sea serpent aeon with Tidus’ bright blue eyes wound defensively around her.  But that was wrong.  It was all wrong.  Yuna didn’t have a Final Aeon.  They had broken the cycle.  They had ended it. Auron had ended it. _

_ “You were supposed to protect her,” Rikku said.  “You promised Braska.” _

_ She was sitting on a throne of bones with a crown made of machina parts perched jauntily on her head.  Everywhere she touched, the bones cut into her, tearing at her angrily.  She didn’t seem to notice the blood drenching her golden skin. _

_ “I did protect her,” Auron insisted foolishly, even as Yuna and her Tidus-aeon fought Sin, all alone.  Where were her guardians? _

_ “Are you sure?” Rikku asked, tilting her head accusingly. “Cause it looks like you failed...” _

_ And then suddenly she wasn’t Rikku at all, but Jecht.  His own sword speared clean through his chest, and when he grinned there was blood in his teeth. _

_ “You were supposed to look out for my boy,” he said. _

_ “I did,” Auron insisted. “Just like you asked…” _

_ “You lead him down the same path you lead me,” Jecht accused. “Over and over and over, the great, legendary Sir Auron walking summoners and guardians to their doom.” _

_ “No,” Auron protested, feeling sick.  This couldn’t be right. _

_ “Letting us all sacrifice and die so you can just keep on living…” _

“No!”  Auron yelled, shooting up out of the bed like it was going to eat him.

He stumbled a few steps away from it, pressing his sweat-sticky forehead against the cool wall, and took a few deep breaths.  It was just a dream.

“Auron?” Rikku mumbled, rolling over in her bed and pushing herself up just enough to look at him.

“Go back to sleep,” he said, feeling a little ridiculous for reacting so strongly to a dream.  It had felt so real, though, like he’d been back in that field with Braska, watching his friend die…

“What happened?” Rikku asked stubbornly.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he tried to assure her.

“You don’t look fine.  Did you have a bad dream?”

It sounded so childish when she said it, and shame burned through him.  He could still feel the sweat drying on his skin, cold and tacky now, and he felt all the more foolish for it.  He was a grown man.  Nightmares shouldn’t affect him so much.

“No, I’m fine,” he said again, because he could feel her eyes peering at him in the darkness even if he wasn’t looking at her.

“Auron,” she said, her voice softer. “Come lay down.”

“I...bathroom,” he muttered, and then turned tail and fled.

Once in the bathroom he wasn’t quite sure what to do.  He’d needed to separate himself from that space, where his dream still hung in the darkness, and the bathroom had seemed like the best place.  But the light in there was harsh and it almost felt more suffocating than the darkness of the bedroom.

He ducked into the shower again to wash the sweat away, hoping that it would help calm him down.  It did, to an extent, but he still found himself staring at his own visage in the mirror when he stepped out. He looked haggard and haunted.  It was no wonder Rikku was so worried, if this was what she saw when she looked at him.  It was no wonder his own dreams had turned on him.

“Auron?” Rikku called, knocking on the door softly. 

He had been hiding for too long.  He sighed and redressed in his underclothes before opening the door for her.  She looked impossibly small framed in the doorway, sleepy-eyed and concerned.

“Come back to bed,” she said.

“Rikku…” he started, not even sure what he was going to say.

“No, shh,” she murmured. “Come on.”

He let her drag him out of the bathroom and didn’t even mount a complaint when she prodded him into her bed.  His own was probably not fit for sleeping anyway, and he privately thought it might help to have a warm body close to his in the darkness.  

He did speak, however, when she laid down next to him and started poking and prodding him onto his side.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Helping,” she said, offering no other explanation.  

He gave into her sharp jabs and turned himself onto his left side, curling his arm up under his pillow.  Seemingly satisfied with his position, she rolled up behind him and pressed their bodies together in a hot line.  She wrapped one arm around his waist and pressed the palm of her hand over his heart.  She was far too small to envelop him in a hold the way she was trying to, but oddly, he still found the press of her forehead against the nape of his neck and their tangled legs comforting.

“Go to sleep,” she told him, pressing gentle kisses along the stretch of his back wherever her mouth could reach.

And, though the dream was still clinging to the back of his brain and his adrenaline was still pumping through his veins, he obeyed.

* * *

He slept the rest of the night through peacefully, and when he woke in the morning, he was pleased to find that Rikku was still curled around him.  It left him feeling comforted and safe, in a way he wasn’t used to but was finding that he quite liked. It was so calming that he chose to stay there and enjoy it instead of rolling out of her arms and starting to figure out what to do next.

It was nearly twenty minutes before Rikku stirred, taking in a deep breath as she woke and then rubbing her face tiredly against his back as she stumbled into awareness. Her arm, which she had reclaimed at some time in the night, made its way back around his waist and she pulled herself tightly against him again.

_ “Sunhehk,” _ she murmured.  

It was a word he actually understood so he responded,  _ “Kuut sunhehk du oui.” _

She snorted. “Your pronunciation really is terrible.”

“And mocking me is certainly going to make it better,” he retorted, though it didn’t really bother him.  He knew where his limits where, and language really was a the very edges of his abilities.

“It’s nice that you try, though,” she said, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “Most people just expect us to learn Spiran and be done with it.”

The gesture sent a shiver through him.  She had done something similar the night before, but in the wake of his nightmare and his own exhaustion, it hadn’t really done much.  Now, though, it made heat clench in his stomach.  He wanted to turn over and press her into the mattress, put his hands on her and touch every inch of that gorgeous golden skin.

He realized, suddenly, that he was allowed to do just that.  Though they hadn’t acted on much, they had decided to see where their feelings would take them.  He doubted that he’d be pushed away if he started to explore a bit.  With this in mind, he rolled over onto his other side.  It brought their faces so close together that it seemed absurd not to swoop down and claim her lips in a kiss.  As he’d suspected, she didn’t push him away at all, but instead pressed closer greedily.

Dimly he thought it should probably be less than pleasant.  They had both been sleeping and their mouths still tasted a bit like morning, but he hardly noticed it at all.  He was too punch drunk on the little noises she made when he gripped her chin to gently guide her face just where he wanted it.

After a few minutes, she grew tired of being passive.  She moved before he even knew what she was doing, and suddenly he found himself on his back, staring up at her as she slung a leg over his waist, settling her weight down carefully to straddle his hips.  She looked gorgeous, her hair mussed from sleep and soft grin on her face.  He was nearly speechless, only able to stare up at her in awe even as his hands found her thighs and spread over them on either side, to touch or to hold on he wasn’t really sure.

“You are too gorgeous for words,” she informed him, and his brain hardly had a moment to try and compute that before she was swooping down on him, capturing his lips in another kiss.  This one was a little harder, a little more wild and desperate, and he found his hands moving up to cling to her hips instead.  If it gave him the leverage to press her down against him, just slightly, well...she didn’t seem to mind.

She moaned into his mouth, her hair falling around them like a curtain, and he almost felt as if he’d been hit with a confusion spell.  Everything was her.  The clean smell of her hair and the taste of her mouth and the press of her body, hot and welcoming against his hardness.  He was entertaining the idea of taking back the upper hand and flipping them over when she sat up and stared down at him, her lips kiss-bruised and her face flushed.

“Rikku…” he said, and then cut himself off when she whipped off her t-shirt, leaving her bare from the waist up.  

His mouth went dry at the sight of her, her skin just as golden underneath as it was everywhere else.  He didn’t even try to stop himself as he dragged his hands up sides and then over to cup her perfect, perky breasts.  She shivered when he dragged his thumbs across her nipples and then moved back down to meet him, her mouth devouring his hungrily.

He was awash with sensation, not sure if he should focus on putting his hands all over her, or kissing her until she was panting, or on rocking his hips up to meet her when they rolled down, seeking friction.

It was only when his hands made their way down and started toying with the waistband of her shorts that she froze in place and then pulled away.  He chased her for a moment, too caught up to notice, but she shook her head and pulled back even farther, lifting herself up onto her knees so they weren’t pressed together anymore.

“Wait, wait, we should stop,” she said breathlessly.

It took a moment for the words to seep into his brain, and then he snatched his hands from her body like she was on fire.

“Are you okay?” he asked guiltily. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“No, no, no. It was all great,” she said quickly. “It’s just...I don’t have any of the right synth ingredients and the way we were going, well...I really don’t want to risk any little Aurons or Rikkus, you know?”

Those words crashed over him like a bucket of ice cold water, any sort of lingering desire immediately dying at the very thought.  She started laughing then, rolling off of him and over to the side.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so terrified,” she said between cackles, and he reluctantly found himself laughing as well. He could only imagine how horrified he must have looked at the idea, and he was glad that one of them had had a level enough head to think it through before any mistakes were made.

When they finished laughing, Rikku wiped the tears from her eyes and sat up on the edge of the bed.

“I can still help you out if you want,” she offered, making a particularly crude gesture with her hand.

“Thanks, but it’s not an issue,” he told her dryly, and that set her off again.

“That was fun,” she said brightly when the giggles left her for a second time. “I think I can safely say to be continued?”

“Absolutely,” he promised. 

She grinned at him and then fisted her hand in the front of his shirt and dragged him closer with a surprising amount of strength.  The kiss was quick and dirty with a small flick of tongue, but it left him just dazed enough that all he could do when she pulled away was watch her saunter across the room, shirtless and unashamed, until she disappeared behind the closed bathroom door.

For the first time, he realized she might be trouble.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little saucy with my awkward attempts at writing smut down there somewhere. You have been warned.

“So?” Rikku asked.

In front of them, the pathway that would take them back up to the Moonflow loomed.  Off to their right stood the tunnel that would take them under the city and out into the Thunder Plains.  He looked away from them both and at her instead. He knew, to an extent, what she thought.  Part of him even agreed with her.  But the stubborn, desperate part of him that needed purpose was louder and much more demanding.

“I’m going to Zanarkand,” he said, hoping that she wouldn’t ask him why.  

If she did, he didn’t have an answer for her, other than that it just felt right.  Zanarkand was dead, and there was nothing there but ruins and pyreflies.  He knew that.  But still, there was something in him saying that that was where he should go.  Zanarkand was always where he was headed, his whole life through.  Like there was an invisible string tied to his core that kept tugging him in that direction over and over again. Zanarkand was where truths were discovered and important decisions were made.  

Zanarkand was also at the edge of the world.  It was as far as he could go, and if he couldn’t find his answers there, he wouldn’t find them anywhere.  He wasn’t really sure what that would mean for him, but that was a problem he’d concern himself with later, if needs must.

“Zanarkand,” she repeated, sounding doubtful.

“Yes.”

“I don’t think it’s going to help,” she told him bluntly. “I think we’ll get to Zanarkand and we’ll run into the same problem we had here.”

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged. “But I can’t just go back to Luca without trying.  Something has to change and I don’t know how to do that.  Zanarkand sounds right.”

“Okay,” she sighed. “I’m with you.”

He felt a pang of regret at that, feeling bad for dragging her all over Spira. She had a life in Luca, and things he was sure she’d rather be doing than leaving civilization behind to climb a mountain to visit a dead city.

“You don’t have to come,” he started, but she rolled her eyes powerfully.

“I’m coming,” she told him flatly. “You’re not going all the way to Zanarkand by yourself.”

“Rikku…” 

“You wouldn’t let me go all the way on my own, unless you thought it was something I really needed to do.  Do you?”

“No,” he admitted. “It...is probably better to have you by my side.”

“To the end of the world,” she promised, shooting him a cheesy wink that had him cracking a smile.

“Reassuring,” he quipped. “As that’s where we’re headed.”

She rolled her eyes again and then marched off down the tunnel, as if it had been her idea all along.  He followed after her silently, watching as she started digging through pouch with purpose.

“I don’t suppose you have any armor that protects against lightning magic?” she asked, miraculously managing to not walk into anything or trip.

“No,” he said. “I didn’t exactly plan this.”

“That’s what I thought.  Good thing I know you and thought to pick this up.”

She produced a basic bracer from her pouch and shook it at him before tucking it into her belt and continuing to dig.

“Are you going to customize that and walk at the same time?” he asked doubtfully.

“Would not be the first time,” she informed him cheerfully. “I’ve got this down to a science.”

The next thing that emerged from her seemingly endless pouch was a handful of jumbled items, including several small yellow spheres with insides that crackled with electricity and what looked like a pair of bright red feathers.

“Oh!” she said, pleased and surprised. “I forgot, I got you a present!”

“A present?” he asked, looking warily at the mess of objects in her hand.

“Uh huh!” she said cheerfully. 

She grabbed one of the red feathers and gave it a pull and it slowly unjumbled itself from the mess of items.  It was attached to a long, black leather cord, about half a foot long.  There was another red feather on the other end, and he looked at it dubiously.

“For your hair!” she told him, looking inordinately pleased with herself. “I found it in the market the other day.”

“Are those Garuda feathers?” he asked.

“Uh huh!” she said again. “I thought the red was nice.  It matches your coat!”

“I told you no beads or feathers,” he said brusquely.

Rikku’s face fell for a moment, and then she fixed him with a glare.

“Fine, you don’t have to take it if you don’t want it.  But, you know, in my culture wearing the feathers of a fiend in your hair is a symbol of strength.  I mean, usually you collect them from the fiend yourself after you kill it, but…”

“Give it to me,” he sighed, feeling properly chastised. 

“If you don’t want it…”

“I do,” he said, and then, a little softer. “Thank you.”

She beamed at him the whole time he was busy tying it into his hair and didn’t even complain when he tucked it all back under his coat when he was done.  She did, however, shove the handful of lightning marbles at him and order him to hold them. 

He watched as she worked, her hands always moving as she wound them around two of the marbles, making them crackle and glow threateningly.  He’d never really paid much attention to the way she customized armor before, but it seemed that it took a lot more magic than he’d given her credit for.  She cracked a smile when he told her so and plucked another marble out of his hand to add to the glowing, formless mixture in her palm.

“It’s actually more alchemy than magic,” she explained. “You’ve gotta know the components of what you’re mixing together or you might just end up with a big old mess.”

“And yet I have vivid memories of you shouting “hope this works!” before lobbing one of your concoctions at fiends,” he pointed out dryly.  

They were vivid because sometimes they  _ didn’t _ work and just seemed to piss off whatever they were trying to kill.

“Okay, yeah, but I was working with a lot of stuff I’d never even seen before,” she insisted. “Really rare stuff.  And when it comes to alchemy, sometimes you’ve gotta get your hands dirty and figure out what it is you’re dealing with.  You’ve gotta admit, those Underdog’s Secrets that Rin gave us were incredible.”

That, he had to admit, was true. Her Hyper Mighty G mix had proven to be incredibly valuable, particularly when they had stumbled upon the Omega Ruins.  Most of her mixes were powerful and helpful, if used in the right situation.  The only time that problems had arisen had been when the effects weren’t what she’d been expecting.

“I mean, alchemy is magic, but there’s kind of a science to it, you know?  Less ‘this element is good against that element’ and more ‘if you take an item that has healing properties and mix it with something that does damage, how will those things affect each other?  Will it create something protects the user and hurts the enemy, or will it…”

She babbled on cheerfully about the intricacies of alchemy for the entire hour-long walk through the tunnels, her hands working on combining the lightning marbles the whole time.  Most of what she said went right over his head, since he knew very little about alchemy and what he did know he’d learned from her in the first place.  Still, it was nice to listen to her talk enthusiastically about something she clearly enjoyed, and if he managed to pick anything up from it, he was a firm believer that all knowledge was worth having.

He started to hear the boom of thunder as they got closer to the end of the tunnel, but Rikku either didn’t notice or was purposefully ignoring it.  He was already making plans and contingencies in his head to convince her to cross the whole way without having a meltdown.  If his memories of the last time they’d been to the Thunder Plains rang true, though, he was fairly sure that he’d have to carry her at least part of the way.

“All done!” she chirped as they reached the gateway that lead out into the plains.  

She brandished the bracer at him with flourish.  It had was no longer a simple black as it had been when she’d first shown it to him.  Now it was still black, but edged with a delicate-looking silver filigree that seemed more ornamental than functional.  He knew Rikku and her craftsmanship, though, and he sincerely doubted it was useless.  The face of the bracer showed a large silver lightning bolt, branching out like a wicked scar in fractals all the way down to the edge, where the armor would rest at his wrist.

“It looks great,” he told her honestly, already working on unbuckling the straps of the bracer he was wearing so that he could swap them out.

“Hold on to the other one,” she instructed. “I might be able to do something with it later.  The closer we get to Zanarkand…”

He nodded, not needing her to finish her sentence.  He knew all too well the dangers that Gagazet and Zanarkand presented.  When he freed the bracer from his wrist he tucked it into one of the many pockets sewn into the inside of his coat.  Some of them had come with the coat, others had been haphazardly sewn in over the years.  All of them were useful.

“I wanted to do a lightning eater like I have,” she told him a little ruefully. “But I made this targe on Yunie’s pilgrimage and it’s already customized to the teeth and I didn’t have enough lighting gems this time around…”

“It’s just fine, Rikku,” he assured her. “If only one of us can have it, I’d prefer it be you.  I’m better at taking a hit.”

“Hey!” she said, clearly offended.  He rolled his eyes at her.

“I have to be better at taking a hit because I’m too slow to dodge them,” he pointed out to soothe her ego.  He hoped she’d appreciate it, because he didn’t generally bother to do that with other people.

“Well,” she said thoughtfully. “That’s true.  But you know, trying to knock you over is like running into a brick wall.”

And now she was trying to soothe his ego, which he appreciated as much as it was unnecessary.  He didn’t respond and instead strapped his new bracer on, admiring the work once more, before looking at her gravely.

“Are you ready?” he asked her seriously.

“As I’ll ever be,” she sighed dramatically.

He braced himself for the whimpering and whining and led them into the Thunder  Plains.  When no sounds started erupting from her, he assumed she was trying to put on a brave face.  But when the first bolt of lightning came crackling down and smashed into the nearest lightning rod tower with a thundering crash and she didn’t scream or duck, he turned to look incredulously at her.

“What?” she asked, and then understanding crossed her face, followed by excitement. “Oh right, you don’t know!”

She did a little dance then, turning in a circle, and then came to a dramatic stop, waving her hands and waggling her fingers to show how okay she was.

“I’m not afraid anymore!” she told him happily. “After the Eternal Calm started, Pops was contracted to take a team out and fix the lightning rod towers so people could pass safely through the Plains and he  _ made me come _ .”

“I can’t imagine you got much work done,” he said dryly. 

“Oh no,” Rikku agreed. “I spent the first four days huddling in my tent crying.  And then I got bored and no one was taking any pity on me…”

“Paying attention to your theatrics,” he corrected dryly, to which she stuck out her tongue.

“Anyway, I decided to try and do what I could to help, hoping it would distract me.  And I guess it did!  By the time the job was done I wasn’t scared anymore!”

“Imagine that,” he said. “Facing your fears and working through them.  I wonder why no one ever suggested that before.”

“Okay, you were right, is that what you want to hear?” she huffed. “Congratulations on winning a ten year old argument with a teenager.”

“I know I was right,” he said nonchalantly. “The satisfaction comes from hearing you admit it.”

“You’re so mean,” she sighed, giving him a shove that didn’t move him an inch. “And, hey, wait.  If you thought I was going to freak out again, how did you plan on getting me across?  Because I don’t believe you’d leave me behind anymore.”

“I was assuming there would be carrying involved,” he said. “And a gag.”

“You’re so mean!” she exclaimed, giving him another shove.

His laughter burst out of him loudly, ringing through the barren Plains, making him feel more alive and human than he had in days.

He was glad she had decided to come.

* * *

The grind through the Thunder Plains was harsh.  It was a long unpopulated stretch that didn’t see much foot traffic, so the fiend population was allowed to grow unfettered.  They had both crossed through the Thunder Plains more than once, so it wasn’t as if they were unprepared, but even with their lightning-absorbing armor and Rikku’s volley of water spells and gems for the elemental fiends, it was exhausting work.  Every few steps seemed to bring something bigger and stronger down on them, and combined with the rain and the uneven ground, it was a hellish experience.

“I know you’re going to give me a Look,” Rikku said as they reached the middle of the Plains late in the day. “But can we stay the night at the Inn?”

And give her a Look he did, because they had most certainly been over this before.

“The storm…”

“Never stops, I know,” she sighed. “Which, by the way, is totally untrue because I saw it stop once.  But Auron, I really need a break.  This is taking a lot longer than it did when we had seven people and I don’t know how much magic I have left in me.  I’ve gotten soft in my old age or something but I really need some time to sit down and eat something and maybe heal this gash I’ve got in my side from that Qactuar…”

“You’re hurt?” he demanded, cursing himself for not noticing before.

“I mean, only a little bit, I’m not going to bleed out or anything,” she showed him a few angry red scratches that stretched across her hip, right below the hem of her top. “But it kinda stings and I’d like to get my hands on a Traveler’s Sphere if I can.”

“Alright, let’s stop,” he agreed, because now that he was thinking about it, he could use a bit of a sit down and something to eat as well.  

They’d been walking and fighting almost non-stop for hours, after all.  The last time they had been through, there had been so many of them that it was easier to stand back and catch a breath while the others dealt with the fiends, as needed.  They didn’t have that benefit this time.  It was just the two of them in what seemed like near-constant battle conditions.  He’d been so hypervigilant that he hadn’t noticed his own exhaustion.

“Yay!” Rikku cheered, immediately perking up and heading towards the Travel Agency.  

Even weighed down with water, her ponytail bounced joyfully with her movements.  Auron followed at a more sedate pace, and by the time he let himself in through the front door, Rikku was chattering happily in Al Bhed with the girl behind the counter.  The girl slid a key over the counter to her and then she pointed over towards a table on the right side of the room with a large sphere sat in the middle before ducking into the back room.

_ “Dryhg oui!” _ Rikku chirped before turning back to look at him. “She said she’ll go back to the kitchen and see if there’s any food on.   Apparently it’s been a slow month so it might be a while.”

The girl reappeared with an armful of fluffy blue towels that she plopped on the counter with another bout of cheerful-sounding Al Bhed before disappearing again.

“Ooh, yay!” Rikku said again, claiming one of the towels and wringing her hair into it.  

Auron grabbed one as well, trying to get as much excess water off himself as possible.  When standing out in the elements, the wet drag of his clothes had been a minor annoyance.  Inside, where it was warm and dry, they were making him shiver.  Rikku grabbed a second towel to wrap around her shoulders and then went over to sit at the table with the sphere.

“What are you doing?” he asked as she began to poke at the controls.

“Checking messages,” she explained distractedly. “It’s been a few weeks and maybe I’ve missed something important.”

She hit another button and then an image of her father appeared, wavy and blue-tinted in the curve of the sphere’s surface.  He looked stern as always, and whatever he said in his rapid-fire Al Bhed had Rikku rolling her eyes powerfully and clicking to the next message.  This one was from Yuna.

“Hi, Rikku,” she said. “I thought I’d call and see how things are, but I guess I missed you. Call me back.”

The next message was from Yuna again, requesting another call back.  The last message was, again, from Yuna, and this time she looked concerned in that way she did when she was worried and trying not to show it.

“Hi, Rikku,” she said. “I know you’re busy, but it’s been nearly two weeks since anyone has heard from you or Auron and we’re starting to get worried.  Please call me as soon as you get this and let me know you’re okay.”

“Oopsie,” Rikku muttered under her breath, and then hit a few more buttons until the sphere was sending out a signal.  It beeped a few times and then disconnected.

“No answer,” she said with a frown. “I hope she’s not leading a search party.”

She tapped a few more buttons so that the sphere sent out another signal.  The sphere flickered for a moment, and then Lulu appeared on it’s surface.

“Rikku!” she said, sounding surprised. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” Rikku assured her. “We’re both fine.” She leaned to the side so that Lulu could see Auron standing behind her.

“Well, that’s good to know. Yuna has been…”

“Worrying her head off?” Rikku suggested, and Lulu’s small smile suggested that it was exactly the right term.  A loud boom of thunder from overhead had her frowning quickly, though.

“Are you in the Thunder Plains?” she asked.

“Yep!” Rikku said cheerfully, not offering any explanation, for which Auron was grateful. “Can you tell Yuna…”

“I can’t tell her anything, I’m afraid,” Lulu interrupted. “She’s gone to Bevelle to meet with Baralai and Nooj about the celebration for the tenth anniversary of the Eternal Calm.”

“Oh,” Rikku said, smacking a hand to her forehead. “I totally forgot about that. Maybe I can try to call Baralai…”

“Or we can stop by on our way through,” Auron suggested lightly.

“On your way through to where?” Lulu demanded.

“We’re working on something,” Rikku said noncommittally. “Thanks, Lulu, I’ll talk to you later.”

She ended the call with another push of a button and then turned to survey Auron.

“You really want to stop?” she asked, her brow furrowed. “It’ll take us a few days out of our way.”

“Sure,” Auron said easily.  She’d done so much for him in his time back.  She’d supported him and helped carry him when he needed her to.  He wanted to give her something back, and if stopping for a few days to see Tidus and Yuna was what it took, he was more than happy to oblige.  Zanarkand wasn’t going anywhere.

“Great!” Rikku said, her grin so wide it almost looked fake. “Hey, maybe we can ask Yunie about talking to the Fayth?  She is a summoner; that’s kinda her thing.”

And, well, that hadn’t really occurred to Auron before.  Admittedly, it was a stupid oversight.  Summoners trained for years to commune with the Fayth.  They were the ones who had the power to call them forth and speak with them.  Maybe he’d been going about this in the wrong way, trying to struggle through alone, instead of asking for help.  But then, that had always been one of his biggest flaws: being too stupid and stubborn to ask for help, even when he didn’t have the skills to do it on his own.

If Rikku was waiting for some sort of answer or confirmation, she didn’t get one.  He was still too busy berating himself for his foolishness when the counter girl reappeared with two bowls of hot stew, a pot of tea, and a hunk of bread for them each.  He gathered his meal and headed back to the room Rikku had secured for them, determined to enjoy the last bit of luxury they would see for days.  It would take at least a day to get through the rest of the Thunder Plains, and then three more to skirt the edge of Macalania Woods and get up the long path to  Bevelle.  

He noted, as he settled his food at the desk to eat, that Rikku had gotten them one room with one bed.  Presumptuous, but he found he didn’t mind.  He stripped out of his wet clothes, leaving only his pants and thin undershirt, and settled down to eat and warm up. Unfortunately, with Rikku out in the lobby chatting up a storm with the counter girl, he was left with only his own thoughts, and they were not particularly kind to him.  He was frustrated with himself for not thinking of Yuna earlier and wondering what other obvious mistakes he might have made.

He’d never really had the luxury of second guessing himself before.  All of his decisions had to be quick and sure and finite, because lives were at stake.  People he cared about were depending on him to know what to do and he had to trust his own instincts and not worry about what repercussions might come from them.  If and when they came, he’d make more decisions and keep pressing forward.

Now, though, he was clouded by self doubt.  The only life at stake was his, and he wasn’t even totally sure he was in any danger.  It killed him, to not know anything.  He didn’t know why he was there or even how.  If he was there to stay or to perform some task or just to bide time until something newer and more horrible rose from the deep.  Did he have a time limit on this newly received life?  He didn’t know, and so far he’d done badly at finding any answers.

With no certainties, he couldn’t make an educated guess.  There were no facts to depend on.  All he knew was that he had been dead, and then sent, and now he was alive again.  There was no explanation, no hints left behind for him to follow and piece together.  Just a life, and one he wasn’t even sure he wanted, at that.

“You brood any harder and your hair might catch on fire,” Rikku chirped.

He looked up from the surface of his tea, long since gone cold, and managed the smallest of smiles at her joke.  She frowned at him for a long moment and then pushed away from the door she’d just entered and into his space, taking the cup from his hand and setting it aside to make room for herself between his spread knees.

“You okay?” she asked, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in a comfortable, familiar gesture. 

With him sitting and her standing, they were almost the same height.  It was nice to look her in the face, and to settle his hands on her hips just because he could.  He’d never really thought of himself as a man fond of casual physical affection, but apparently that was something else he’d been wrong about.

“I don’t like not knowing things,” he said.

“Me neither,” Rikku said. “Anything more specific than that?”

“Nothing particularly new,” he sighed, feeling old and exhausted. “Nothing helpful.”

She hummed thoughtfully and then leaned in to kiss him.  It was hard and hot and demanding, and a for a few minutes it swept the thoughts from his brain and the tension right out of his body.  Apparently she felt it, because she pulled away with a little huff of amusement and pressed their foreheads together.

“You think too much,” she informed him.

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged.

“It’s a very attractive quality, especially since a lot of men don’t think at all,” she teased. “But brooding over things we can’t change isn’t helpful.”

“No,” he agreed. “What would you suggest?”

“I’m so glad you asked,” she said playfully, pressing another quick, hot kiss against his mouth. “I would suggest devoting all your attention to just one thing, so you don’t have space for all those thinky thoughts in your head.”

“What did you have in mind?” he asked her, heat thrumming through his core at the sight of her wicked grin.

“I think you know,” she said, climbing into his lap so that her knees straddled him and pressing their mouths back together, once, twice, three times, in quick succession.

He moved his hands to hold her more securely in her precarious position, one tight around her waist and the other sneaking up to the back of her head.  She made a sweet little noise when his fingers tangled in her hair and came at him with renewed vigor.  Her hands came up to frame his jaw, her fingers stroking and dragging as their lips pressed together.

“There we go,” she said, leaning their foreheads together. “Not thinking now, are you?”

“Thinking about what?” he responded, and she laughed as he pulled her back in.

They came together with an intoxicating clash of teeth and tongues.  She tasted like the spiced tea she’d had with dinner and her skin was hot under his hands.  He lost himself in her for a moment, all his senses enveloped and his brain focused solely on the taste of her lips.  If anyone were to ask, he couldn’t have accounted for the minutes that passed.  Everything was just Rikku.  The smell of her, the taste of her, the hot heat of her core as she settled her weight against his hardness and rolled her hips enticingly.  He groaned loudly and wrenched his lips away from hers, breathing hard and desperate for her.

“Tell me you got those potion ingredients,” he begged. “I can’t…”

“I did,” she promised, pressing another hot kiss against his mouth before pulling back far enough so she could look into his eyes. He stared back at her, his heart pounding, his dick throbbing, almost paralyzed with how much he wanted her.

“Take me to bed,” she commanded boldly, kissing him again.  

He didn’t need to be told twice.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and stood, lifting her with him as he went.  She laughed with surprise and delight, wrapping her legs around his waist for leverage and focused her attentions on kissing him again.  He walked them across the room until he could drop her on the bed, watching with satisfaction as she bounced on the mattress and grinned up at him cheekily.

“What are you doing all the way up there?” she asked, and he took that as an invitation to join her.  

He settled his knees on either side of her and leaned down to claim her mouth with his, careful not to press any of his considerable weight down on her.  She moaned into their kiss, clinging to his shoulders with grasping hands, and he was claimed by the sudden need to kiss every inch of her bare skin and listen to all the wonderful sounds she made.

They pulled away from each other, gasping for breath, and then pressed together again.  He kissed her lips a few times, hard and hot, tongues tangling, and then ventured downward, over her chin and to her neck.  Her disappointed groan turned into high, sharp gasps, her body writhing with each drag of lips over the sensitive skin of her neck, followed by the hot slide of his tongue.

“Auron,” she whined, tilting her head back to give him more room to work.  

He smirked and pressed his mouth against the hollow of her throat, reveling in the taste of her, the smell of her skin, the soft moans that escaped from her lips and the way her hands found their way into his hair, clenching and holding but not pulling.

He kissed her until his lips were sore and she was putty on the bed, chest heaving and eyes cloudy with lust and want.  He kissed her until the only thoughts in his head were of how to make her make that sound again, of needing to see her spread over the rumpled bed clothes, naked and wanting.

He started with her top, coaxing her up against his chest and holding her close as his hands worked at the impossible straps holding it on.  It looked flimsy at best, but they were tied so precisely and in such an order that he couldn’t quite figure out how to loosen them.  He was growling in annoyance and considering how hard it would be to just tear straight through the crocheted knots when she laughed throatily and then reached back and gave one of the straps a sharp tug.  

The whole thing came loose then and he didn’t waste a moment before pulling it off her and tossing it to the side.  She laughed again, but otherwise made no comment about his struggles.  Though he supposed that could have been because his mouth went straight to her right breast, and the way he flicked his tongue over her hardened nippled made her gasp and arch.  He used his hand to tweak the other one at the same time, liking the way it made her wriggle under him and gasp for more.

He granted her wishes for a few minutes, lavishing her breasts with tongue and teeth, and then he continued his journey, down her abdomen, which clenched deliciously with the attention, and over her hips, which jumped and twitched as he sucked a mark onto the protruding bone there and then soothed it with his tongue.

Her hands hand long since abandoned his hair to grasp at the sheets instead, and he paused to watch her.  Her face was pink with arousal and exertion and her hair was a twisted mess around her head.  Her chest heaved with each breath and she almost seemed to pressing herself into the bed, her eyes clenched shut, as if she was afraid of floating away.

“Please,” she gasped, cracking a brilliant green eye open to look down at him imploringly.

“Please what?” he asked, almost surprised by how low and raspy his voice sounded to his own ears.  He swallowed to try and wet his throat.

She shook her head, like that was too hard a question to answer, and then rolled her hips up at him imploringly.  Though he thought he might like to hear her beg, the picture of her wordless with want sent such a streak of heat through him that he didn’t have the restraint to make her. So instead he focused his attention on getting her shorts unbuttoned and then pulling them and the skimpy little scrap of blue fabric she called underwear down her legs.

He stopped to look at her again, to take in the sight of her miles of golden, naked skin, and it almost stopped him dead.  She was gorgeous.  Far too gorgeous for the likes of him, and he took a moment to appreciate his unbelievable luck that she would even look twice at him.  He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her until her ass was lined up with the edge of the mattress and then dropped to his knees on the floor.

He nudged her knees apart gently to make space for himself between them and then placed a soft kiss against the inside of her right knee and sliding his hands along the smooth expanse of her inner thighs, watching the muscles twitch minutely under her skin.  He pressed forward, placing kissing along the insides of her thighs and dragging his hands anywhere he could reach, just to feel her.  He carefully avoided her pussy, pink and wet and tempting as it was, in favor of driving her crazy with lingering drags of his lips.

“Auron!” she wailed impatiently after a few minutes, rolling her hips at him enticingly, her hands winding into his hair again as if to use it to direct him where she wanted him to go.

“Patience is a virtue,” he reminded her, and she growled.

_ “Filg ouin jendia!” _ she snapped, and well, he didn’t need to speak Al Bhed to know what that meant.  

He huffed a laugh and placed his hands on the innermost part of her thighs and spread her open, making the the most gorgeous picture he’d ever seen.  He was a little afraid of her wrath if he stared too long, though, so instead he leaned in and finally, finally, dragged his tongue up the center of her core.  The combination of the taste of her and the sound she made shot straight through him, until he was so hard he had to undo his pants or risk serious injury.

He gave her another lick, flicking the point of his tongue over her clit, relishing in the way she convulsed deliciously, sensitive and desperate.  The taste of her and the smell of her arousal was driving him crazy, making his head fog as he swirled his tongue where she was wet and open and then up over her clit again.  She cried out and bucked her hips almost violently against his face, and he groaned deep in his chest.

He kept up the pattern, working her clit until she was shaking with need and then backing off, returning to the soft kitten licks at her core, before returning to her clit again.  He built her up and eased off, again and again until she was practically crying, begging him for release, and then he slid a finger inside her and curled it just right.

She convulsed as she came, clamping her thighs tight around his head like a vice and soaking his face.  She cried out so loudly he was sure that everyone else in the Inn had heard her.  He kept up his gentle licks through her orgasm, until she was oversensitive, twitching and boneless on the bed.

He sat back to watch her come down, enjoying the way her chest heaved and her body convulsed and twitched.  She seemed almost mindless with bliss for a full half a minute, staring up at the ceiling sightlessly, sated and beautiful.  She seemed to come back to herself when he took himself in hand at the sight of her, bringing himself towards climax with quick, economical pulls.

“Oh no, don’t,” she begged, spreading her legs enticingly so that her pretty pink pussy clenched at him enticingly, swollen and wet and begging to be filled. “I want you to fuck me, Auron, please!”

He groaned with want and pushed himself up off the floor, his knees aching from the abuse.  It occurred to him then, what an obscene picture they must make.  Her, naked and spread and begging, him almost fully dressed, wiping her juices from his face and lining up his cock.  He wished there was a mirror in the room so he could see it.  There wasn’t, though, so he settled for watching Rikku’s face as he slid into her velvety warmth in one smooth stroke.

She clamped her legs around his waist and threw her head back, arms stretched out and hands clenching the sheets, breasts bouncing as he took her with powerful thrusts.  She was so sexy he could hardly stand it, and when she came for a second time with a loud cry, it didn’t take long before he was pressing in as deep as she could take him and following her over the edge.  He collapsed forward, perfectly sated and exhausted, pressing her into the mattress under his weight as he caught his breath.  He let the world slide away, like nothing more than white noise, for a few minutes as he enjoyed the afterglow, but eventually Rikku’s hands started shoving at him.

“I’m loving this cuddly version of Auron,” she gasped. “But I can’t breathe.”

“Sorry,” he muttered, aware that he was pretty much too sex-stupid to think clearly.  

He pulled out of her, hissing at the sensitivity it caused, and then rolled onto his side so that he was lying stretched out next to her instead of on top of her.  He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her against him, though, kissing her lips a little sloppily and enjoying the feeling of her warmth pressed against him.  She laughed and then attempted to pull away from him, much to his displeasure.

“Let me go, you brute,” she chided playfully. “I’ll be right back.”

He let her go reluctantly, watching as she disappeared into the bathroom.  As his brain slowly came back to him, he realized that he was still mostly dressed and moved to correct that, kicking off his pants and tossing his shirt in a random direction.

Rikku wolf-whistled when she emerged from the bathroom, but he was too blissed out to do anything more than glare at her.  She didn’t seem to mind, though, and practically pranced back to the bed, throwing herself on it with gusto and rolling into his arms.  He hardly had enough sense left in him to pull her tight against his chest and bury his face in her mop of hair before he fell asleep.

* * *

Rikku was pressed up against his side with her cheek resting on his pectoral when he woke up.  She was idly stroking the tips of her fingers across the scar on his chest, tracing the jagged line with soft fingers, like she was afraid it might still hurt him.

The night before he had been punch drunk and not thinking when he discarded his shirt.  He hadn’t even stopped to consider how she might feel about it.  Much to his surprise, though, she didn’t seem to mind it at all.  Her face was more curious than disgusted, and clearly she wasn’t afraid to touch it.

“Another gift from Yunalesca,” he told her, and she jumped, caught out.  She looked up at his face, her eyes wide and sad, and then she sighed.

“I should have known, I guess,” she said. “If you turn your head the right way it lines up.” 

She reached up and dragged her finger across his cheek where the scar cut and then followed the path down until it hit the top of the scar on his chest.  She pressed a kiss to the scar, so soft he hardly felt it, and his affection for her surged in his chest like a tidal wave.  He wrapped his arm around her middle, resting his palm on the warm skin of her back.

“It’s weird, that you have this,” she said.  

He stiffened, a little hurt, but she shook her head.

“That sounded bad,” she said. “What I mean is…these are scars of the wound that killed you, right?  You didn’t have scars when you died, only wounds.  But when you were given life again, by whoever for whatever reason, you’ve got these scars.  And instead of being the age you died at, you look like you did when you were sent.  Why?”

“One of the many things I have no answers for,” he told her.

“Okay,” she said thoughtfully. “But it still makes no sense.  You make no sense.”

“Thank you,” he said dryly, running his hand up and down her bare back and resigning himself to her curiosity.

“You don’t,” she insisted unapologetically. “You died, you had no scars.  You stayed on Spira as an unsent, but you didn’t lose your mind.  You were already dead but you scarred and you aged.  I spent months with you on Yunie’s pilgrimage.  I watched you fight and sweat and bleed and get knocked out and eat and sleep.  But you were dead the whole time.  You didn’t have to do any of that stuff.”

“Being unsent was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done,” he told her. “No matter what you do, the call of the Farplane is always at the back of your brain.  It’s loud and demanding.  You can learn to ignore it, but it’s always there.”

“Right,” she said slowly. “You told me that before.”

“Well, the mechanics of being unsent is hard to explain.  Dead, but not.  Real, but not.  I could have, I suppose, acted as some sort of ghost.  Dispersed my pyreflies and phased through walls or rearranged them to heal myself when I was injured, or so that I never got injured at all.  But I found that the easiest way to cling to my mind was to act as alive as possible.  Eating and sleeping and bleeding; those are the things that make us human.”

“So then why the scars?” she asked quietly. “Most people don’t get them, unless they got a terrible injury and couldn’t find a healer in time.”

Sometimes he hated how smart and perceptive she was.  She put on a happy, flighty sort of front, but she was very good at looking straight through people and seeing directly to their cores.  For someone like him, who liked his secrets close to his chest, it was almost unnerving.  But still, he felt he owed her the truth, if for no other reason than he knew that she was utterly loyal and smart enough to figure it out anyway.

“At first it was just a product of the logical part of my brain,” he told her. “Wounds that deep should scar when left untreated, and so they did.”

“And then after that?” she asked.

“Once I realized that I could change my appearance, I kept them.  Because I thought I deserved them,” he admitted. “They were...a consequence of my actions.  A reminder of my failure, one that I couldn’t hide.”

“And now?” she asked, her voice wavering just slightly.

“Now they exist as they are and I can’t do anything to change that,” he said simply. “They don’t bother me, but they do remind me.  Do they bother you?”

“No,” she assured him quickly. “I’ve always known you with that scar.  I have a hard time imagining what your face would like without it, honestly.  And anyway, you’re still one of the most handsome men I’ve ever met, scar or not.”

He snorted disbelievingly.

“You are!” she insisted, sticking out her tongue.  Her face went somber again a moment later, though, and she continued. 

“I guess...just seeing it up close like this...it makes me sad.  To think of how much it must have hurt and how it killed you.  How, if things were just a little different, I would have never even met you,” her voice choked up just slightly and her eyes got dewy with unshed tears. “And how afraid and angry you must have been, climbing down that mountain on your own.  Dying on the ground on your own with no one to hold your hand or offer you any comfort or…”

“Don’t cry on my account,” he told her, wiping a single tear from under her eye. “By the end, it didn’t hurt anymore, and I wasn’t alone.  Kimahri was there.”

A sudden, almost hysterical giggle burst from her mouth and she covered it quickly.

“I can’t imagine he was very comforting,” she said from behind her fingers.

“He wasn’t,” Auron assured her with a rueful smile. “But he kept my promise for me and watched out for Yuna.  That was more reassuring to me than false comfort.”

She nodded, like she was pleased to hear it, and the huffed out a little laugh and put on a smile. 

“How’s that for romantic pillow talk?” she asked.

“Probably not most people’s go-to morning after topic,” he agreed.

“Maybe next time we can talk about childhood traumas,” she said, and then suddenly she was laughing hysterically, her face pressed into his chest and her whole body shaking.  He waited patiently until she laughed herself out, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes.

“We’re not normal people,” she informed him brightly.

“No, we’re not,” he agreed.

“I like us, though,” she said, tilting her head up to smile at him sweetly.

“Me too,” he assured her


	7. Chapter 7

Auron had thought that the mostly-empty temples of Yevon, left to rot and wither, would be the most jarring thing he saw in Spira’s new world order.  It was such an antithesis to the way he thought of Spira as a whole that he had a hard time grasping it, even knowing as he had that Yevon was falling into disarray at their feet.

It was nothing compared to the utter destruction of Macalania Woods.

It had been a little odd, not to see the blue leaves of the crystal trees over the crest of the hill at the north side of the Thunder Plains, but he’d been so busy keeping an eye out for the Iron Giants that roamed the area that he hadn’t really paid it much attention.  But before long the Thunder Plains had given way to the forest path, and then it had been impossible not to notice.  

What had once been a dense, dark wood, crowded with crystal trees and the gentle presence of magic was now a mostly flat, desolate landscape.  The large tree in the middle, the one that had a root network that spread through the whole forest, was little more than a fractured stump.  It looked as if the whole thing had collapsed under it’s own weight and snapped in half as it fell.  

The rest of the trees around it, the ones that had created the path that lead to the Macalania Lake and the temple, were either gone entirely or felled and left to rot like so much trash.  The magic path that had a direct route to the temple was gone as well, though that was a little less surprising.  That path had tended to appear and disappear at it’s own leisure.  But he knew, somehow, that it would never come back.  

He’d never been particularly sensitive to magic.  He knew a few spells to break past a fiend’s defenses, but he’d never been powerful enough to manage even the most basic of elemental spells.  Even so, he’d always been able to feel the thrum of magic in the air in Macalania Woods, deep and ancient and horribly powerful.  There was nothing left of it now.

He hadn’t realized that he’d come to a dead stop to stare until Rikku stopped and turned to look back at him.  She grimaced, swiveling her head to look back and forth between him and what was left of the woods.

“It’s pretty bad, huh?” she said. “It was holding up okay for awhile there, but now…” she gestured at the mess a little helplessly.

“What happened?” he asked, heading over to the fractured tree stump.  It was gigantic still, large enough around that ten men his size couldn’t hold hands in a circle around it.  That almost made it even more horrible to see it dead and destroyed.

“As it turns out, the Woods weren’t magic on their own,” Rikku said. “It was all Shiva’s magic, and when Yuna sent the Fayth…”

“The magic disappeared,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said. “Everything was so infused with magic that it held itself up pretty well for a while.  But about five years ago the last of the sphere springs dried up, and then it was pretty quick after that.  The whole forest seemed to die almost overnight, and when the big tree fell, well.  We all knew there would be no saving it.”

“And what of the temple, and the lake?” he asked.  He couldn’t imagine it was particularly easy to get to those places with all the paths destroyed, but he had no doubts that some had attempted it.

“Well, the lake started melting pretty much right away,” Rikku said. “Within a month it was all water, and the temple sunk.”

He hadn’t noticed it before, but now that she mentioned it he was unnervingly aware of how warm it was.  Macalania Woods had always been bitterly cold, almost colder than the peaks of Gagazet.  Too cold and dry to snow, and the week it took to get from the Thunder Plains on one end to the lake on the other usually resulted in a lot of cracked, dry skin and silent pleas for any sort of warmth or sunlight.  Now, he was almost too warm in his jacket.

“The temple sunk,” he repeated, a little stunned.  He started to walk again, down the path that brushed what used to be the wood’s edge and branched off towards Bevelle and the Calm Lands.  They could stand around staring at the destruction all day, but that wouldn’t change it.  It wouldn’t make it any easier for Auron to accept it.

“Yeah,” Rikku confirmed, nodding. “It...was really sudden.  I guess with the lake melting we should have seen it coming, but I guess no one really thought the foundation of the temple was built into the ice without any other support structure…”

“How many people were inside when it went?” he asked, picking up her meaning.

“Hard to say,”  Rikku said, biting her lip. “The temples weren’t being visited nearly as much, and Macalania was always more  of a summoners’ temple than a parishioners’, since no one was crazy enough to build a village up where it was so cold.  But definitely the High Priest and a few acolytes.”

He hummed thoughtfully, not quite having the words to express how he felt about that.  As far as he was concerned, the disciples who pledged their life to the High Order of Yevon were either power hungry or ignorant fools.  He could forgive one of those things, but he had no respect for either of them.  Still, they didn’t deserve to drown trapped in the very halls they held most sacred.  It was the cruelest of ironies.

“Gippal wanted to do a salvage mission,” Rikku piped up. “To go down there and see if there was anything worth recovering.”

He was surprised by how the heavy that idea sat in his stomach.  He owed Yevon no loyalty and had long-since rid himself of any habit-forced judgments based on the teachings.  But somehow the idea of someone going down there and salvaging scraps from the lake floor seemed wrong.

“Yuna made the exact same face,” Rikku informed him. “She said it would be like grave robbing. Which I kinda get, you know? Even if Yevon and the teachings were all a huge lie they still meant something to people.  Losing that faith still struck so many people to their cores.”

“I remember,” he said, because he did. 

He remembered that soul-crushing sense of loss and betrayal and how it had nearly paralyzed him for weeks.  The only thing that kept him going was the promises he’d made and the pure, unbridled rage that burned in his gut.  He also remembered watching Yuna go through it.  The way her proud shoulders had slowly but surely dropped, and the sense of loss and confusion that shone through on her face.  It had been hard to watch, even as he knew it was making her strong enough to make the right choices.

“I just think she might be looking at it the wrong way,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s not really grave robbing as much as reclaiming parts of Spira’s past, right?  All that stuff that was in that temple for hundreds of years.  It’s just lost to the bottom of the lake now.  What good does that do?”

“That’s a fair point,” he acknowledged. “Though I don’t know what good collecting any artefacts might do either.”

“I don’t know,” Rikku said. “It just seems like a waste to let them rot, I guess.  When you grow up in the desert with limited means, everything is used and reused, everything has a purpose even if you’re not sure what it is yet.  It’s wasteful to let it lie based on some outdated ideas of sanctity. I think she’s just being stubborn.”

“Have you considered it’s not out of a sense of sanctity, but a sense of guilt?” Auron asked as they turned up the road towards Bevelle.  The Warrior Monks patrolling the road for fiends hardly paid them any mind as they passed, which Auron found preferable.

“Guilt over what?” Rikku asked.

“Well, Yuna sent the Fayth, did she not?” he said. “And that caused the ice to melt, and the temple to fall.”

“Okay, yeah,” Rikku acknowledged. “But that’s not her fault!  She had to send the Fayth, it was the only way to get rid of Sin for good.  We had no choice!”

“And yet, in decisions that she made, people died.  She shoulders that weight.”

“Decisions we made,” Rikku insisted stubbornly.

“She made the decision.  We chose to follow her,” Auron corrected gently. “Yuna is strong-willed and she does what she thinks is right, but she’s also very sensitive and sentimental.  She’ll make the hard decisions when the time comes, but she’ll also live with the guilt of those she couldn’t save.  She’s just like Braska, that way.”

“And just like you,” Rikku said.

Auron paused, uncomfortable with the comparison.  He supposed she had to be letting her affections cloud her judgments.  He was nowhere near on par with the likes of Braska and Yuna, who were good and decent down to their very cores.

“Perhaps,” he said noncommittally.  

The look she cast him told him that she wasn’t fooled by his blasé response, but thankfully she didn’t press him.  Instead, she just rolled her eyes and continued on towards the high bridge, leaving him to wonder if she had a skewed view of who he was, or if he did.

* * *

If Auron was surprised by the changes made to the Palace of St. Bevelle, he was even more surprised by how readily the Warrior Monk guards let them go wherever they pleased.  They all seemed to know Rikku by name and greeted her pleasantly, even if she didn’t recognize them in turn.  A few of them even offered to escort them to wherever they were going, but Rikku waved them off with a charming smile and a flap of the hand.

“You’re rather popular here,” he remarked.

“I know, it’s a little weird,” she shrugged. “But usually when I visit I’m with Yuna, so that’s probably why.  Everyone notices Yuna.”

With the massive remodel after the destruction from Sin and the rise of New Yevon, Auron hardly knew where she was leading him until they ended up in the audience chamber of the Palace, where they had been sentenced to die in the Via Purifico.  She ushered him into the lift and no one tried to stop them as they ascended up to the balcony and then through the archway at the back.

“Where are we going, exactly?” he asked as they roamed through the dark halls, lit only by guttering torches every few feet. 

“To find Yuna,” she said like it was obvious.  

Maybe it was, but even in his time as a high ranking Warrior Monk he’d never been allowed to roam these halls unless he was on duty.  He wasn’t sure if Rikku was just that well-liked or if the security had seriously gone downhill.  Either way he kept vigilant, ready to fight or run if necessary.  New Yevon was quite different than the Yevon he was used to, or so he’d been told, but he was still wary.  They turned down another hallway and then Auron heard a familiar voice call out.

“Auron? Rikku? Hey!”

Tidus was camped out near a doorway, running in place for no discernable reason.  His shorts, made of the colorful patterned fabric Besaid was famous for and his white linen shirt, thin to accommodate the tropical climate he lived in, looked out of place in the dark, torch-lit stone walls of the palace.  But then, Auron supposed, something about Tidus always made him seem out of place in Spira.  Or maybe that was only because he was so intrinsically of Zanarkand, to Auron’s knowing eye.

Tidus stopped his running to scoop Rikku up into a vigorous hug, lifting her off her feet and making her squeal with laughter.  When he set her down and turned on Auron he looked, for a minute, like he might actually go in for a hug as well.  Much to Auron’s relief, though, he instead settled for a friendly shoulder slap.

“Good to see you,” he said, and Auron nodded in return.

“Hey, where’s Yunie?” Rikku asked, looking around like maybe she was hiding somewhere in the long, empty hallway.

“In there,” Tidus said, jerking his head at a closed door. “I got kicked out because she said I was fidgeting.”

The laugh that burst of Auron’s mouth was loud in the echoing hallway, and Tidus grinned a little ruefully.

“Hey, I chase a toddler around all day, I’m not used to sitting still anymore!” he protested.

“You’ve never sat still a day in your life,” Auron reminded him.

“It’s just so boring,” Tidus sighed. “And they’re in there making plans and talking about every little detail and I only came along on this trip because Wakka and Lulu said they’d take Kyaa and Yuna talked about how nice it would be have some time alone and all we’ve done this whole time is sit in meetings.”

“What, were you hoping to make a sibling for Kyaa?” Rikku asked cheekily, and Tidus’ face immediately went white with panic.

“No way!” he yelped. “I mean...maybe some day.  But not right now.  But, you know, a little alone time with my wife?  That would be nice.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Rikku said. “Or well, not really, because we don’t have any kids and we can do whatever we want whenever…”

She trailed off, suddenly seeming to realize that she’d just outed their relationship.  She stared at Auron, possibly for help, but he was too busy doing his damndest to try and decide how he felt about everyone knowing.  Because if Tidus knew, it wouldn’t be long before everyone else did as well.

“Yeah, it’s hard,” Tidus said a little mournfully. “I love Kyaa more than anything, but she’s a lot of work.”

Auron let out a breath, realizing that Tidus hadn’t even noticed Rikku’s slip.  Not that he should have expected him to, he supposed.  Tidus certainly wasn’t the most observant person in Spira.  He did have his rare moments of spot-on extrospection, though.  Thankfully, now did not appear to be one of those moments.

“So do you think Yunie’s actually going to see anything but the inside of a conference room?” Rikku asked, pushing the conversation forward to cover up for their awkward pauses.

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Tidus pouted. “They want her opinion on everything, and you know Yuna…”

“She’s too nice to say no,” Auron said, and Tidus nodded.

“She didn’t come back to our room until well after dark last night, which is why I decided to come with her today…”

“Well, this is just not going to work,” Rikku said frankly, before she banged her fist against the door several times.

“If we get in trouble I’m blaming you,” Tidus hissed quickly, before the door swung open to reveal Yuna, looking tired and stressed.

“What is going on out…” she trailed off, her mouth popping open in surprise as she saw them.

“Rikku! Auron!” she exclaimed. “Oh, I’ve been so worried-”

“Hey Yunie!” Rikku greeted, grabbing her cousin up in an enthusiastic hug as she babbled excitedly. “We talked to Lulu and she said you were worried and we thought we’d stop by…”

“Lady Yuna?”

A dark-skinned man, much younger than his snow-white hair would suggest, appeared in the doorway behind Yuna, looking more confused than concerned. He was soft-spoken and had big, kind eyes but at the same time he radiated authority.  Judging by the symbols of Yevon embroidered on his green coat, he was either a High Priest of New Yevon or the leader himself.

“I’m so sorry, Baralai,” Yuna said, her face going a little pink. “Rikku and Auron stopped by unexpectedly…”

“Apologies,” Auron offered, because he had manners even if he didn’t always bother to utilize them.

“Hello, Rikku. Sir Auron, it’s a pleasure,” Baralai said, smoothly offering him a prayer of Yevon. “I am Baralai, Praetor of New Yevon.”

Auron nodded at him, always terrible with small talk and generally disinclined to bother.

“Lady Yuna,” Baralai said, apparently unfazed by his silence, “Perhaps you’d like to see to your guests and we can reconvene in an hour?”

“I...yes, of course,” Yuna said quickly. “Thank you.”

Yuna lead them all away from the meeting room and towards the residential side of the palace.  He suspected that it was where the Praetor lived, and perhaps the priests that catered to what was left of the temple.  It was also, clearly, where guests were housed, as Yuna lead them into a nicely furnished apartment.  

It was done up with furniture made of gorgeous blue wood from the crystal trees of Macalania.  The draperies and linens were all thick and plush-looking, embroidered with the symbol of Yevon.  There was a deep blue overstuffed couch with a matching pair of armchairs placed on one side of the room, and a little writing desk with a commsphere placed opposite the bed.  Everything looked antique and expensive and positively decadent.  From the splendor of it, he guessed that it used to house one of the Maesters.

“It’s a bit much, I know,” she said, her face flushing as she watched them survey the room. “I told Baralai I would be okay with something a little...less.”

“It makes sense that they’d appeal to your status,” Auron said, dismissing her embarrassment. “You are the High Summoner, after all.  I imagine New Yevon bases a lot of its positive PR around you and your accomplishments. It would have to, considering Yevon’s legacy.”

“Well, yes,” Yuna admitted. “And it’s nice to be appreciated, but I didn’t do it for…”

“We know, Yunie,” Rikku assured her. “But hey, if people want to give you big fancy rooms with furniture made from trees that don’t even exist anymore, I say go for it.  It’s not like you ever leave Besaid anyway, so a little name dropping every once in awhile won’t hurt.”

“I suppose,” Yuna said a little tersely, and then, “Come, sit.  Tell us what you’ve been doing.”

They did as she asked, Rikku doing most of the talking.  She skirted artfully around some of the more personal things, like the bar fights and his nightmares, but otherwise laid out exactly what they were doing and why.  Auron filled in where he felt it was necessary, and within a half hour Yuna was frowning thoughtfully down at her hands.

“So...we were hoping to ask you for a favor,” Rikku said, and Yuna nodded, as if she had suspected as much.

“You want me to see if I can talk to the Fayth and find anything out for you?” she asked.

“Uh huh,” Rikku said, nodding. “We figured it made sense, you being a summoner and all.”

“Former summoner,” Yuna corrected automatically.

“Once a summoner always a summoner,” Auron said matter-of-factly. “You have all the skills, even if there’s nothing left to summon.  Do you not still perform sendings?”

“Well, yes…” Yuna mused. “I suppose I do.  I just like to think that I’m in a different stage of my life, I guess.”

“Yuna,” Auron said gravely, aware suddenly that he might be asking too much of her and she was too kind to refuse. “if you don’t want to do this…”

“Oh, no,” Yuna said quickly, looking at him with wide, earnest eyes. “I’ll do everything I can to help, of course.  Only...the last time I spoke to any of the Fayth was in the Farplane Abyss eight years ago.  I’m afraid that I may have used up all my favors.”

Tidus shifted a little uncomfortably, like he felt bad that being given life was making things harder for Auron.  Yuna grabbed his hand in hers and held it tightly, though, and that was enough to make Tidus smile.  Auron wished he could communicate so effectively with him without saying a word, to tell him that he’d never regret Tidus getting the chance to live a real, happy life.  He couldn’t, though, so he had to be content with letting Yuna do it for him.

“I’m not expecting any miracles, Yuna,” Auron told her. “I honestly don’t know if I’m expecting anything at all, anymore. The Fayth will either speak to you or they won’t.  But I’ve done everything else I can think of and I need to at least try every option that I have.”

“I understand,” Yuna said. “And of course I’ll help you.  I’ll speak to Baralai about getting passage down into the Underground. The hole left by Vegnagun is a direct link to the Farplane, after all.”

“Thank you, Yuna,” he said with as much sincerity as he could muster.

“Of course.” Yuna smiled. “You must know there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you.”

“And I you,” he assured her, touched by the sentiment.  

He supposed he had to get used to having all of these people care about him.  It came as too much of a surprise every time they expressed any devotion or loyalty to him, and he knew it really shouldn’t.

“I’ve got to head back to that meeting,” Yuna said a little regretfully. “I’ll see about arranging some rooms for you as well.”

They had only been sharing sleeping space for a few weeks, but even so, the idea of being separated sat wrong in his gut. He found himself looking at Rikku questioningly, only to find that she was looking back at him. 

She bit her lip, the question clear in her eyes. And, well...Auron wasn’t ashamed of his feelings for her, or their relationship, however they wanted to label it.  There was no need to hide it.  They were both consenting adults who were allowed to make their own decisions.  He didn’t even really think that Yuna and Tidus would disapprove.

It was more the idea that everyone would know, and they would think they had a right to comment that seemed awful.  His reluctance to say anything was more out of a desire for privacy than wanting to hide anything.  But when all was said and done, trying to hide it even for a short while seemed like a lot of work for very little pay out.

He nodded at her and the grin that split her face was enough to wash away any lingering doubts he may have had about their decision.  He’d take incessant questions every day for the rest of his life if it meant he got to wake up with her.

“Actually, Yunie, we’ll just need one,” she said.

“Just one?” Yuna asked, looking perplexed, but Rikku gave her some kind of pointed look and her eyes lit up with understanding.

“Oh!” she said, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

“Come on this place is huge and it’s not like they’re gonna charge you,” Tidus snorted, oblivious as always. “You don’t have to share a room.”

“We don’t have to, we want to,” Auron spoke up, because Rikku was rolling her eyes so hard he worried what crude thing might come out of her mouth.

“Why would you…” he trailed off when Rikku pointedly reached over and took Auron’s hand, and then they went wide in surprise as he figured out what they were insinuating.

“Are you two sleeping together?” he asked, his voice going up an octave.

“You don’t have to make it sound so tawdry,” Rikku pouted, wrinkling her nose. “We’re not having secret midnight trysts.”

“So you’re...in a relationship?”  Yuna asked, sounding a little relieved. 

“Well,”  Rikku said, glancing at Auron again, as if he had a better name for it than she did. “Yeah, I guess that’s the best word for it.”

“Are you...in love?” Yuna pressed, looking like she regretted the words as soon as they were past her lips. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business. Only this is very unexpected.”

“It’s new,” Rikku said quickly. “Really new.  But...we’re serious about each other.”

“Very serious,”  Auron confirmed, and Rikku nodded.

“Yeah, like love-adjacent.”

“Love-adjacent,” Yuna repeated, her concern melting into amusement.  Tidus was still gaping at them like a dying fish.

“Right!” Rikku said.

“Then...we’re happy for you,” Yuna said, digging her elbow into Tidus’ side pointedly.

“Very happy,” Tidus agreed, nodding earnestly. “And not at all grossed out about by the thought of Auron having sex.”

“Whatever you’re going to say, don’t,” Auron told Rikku sharply, and she snapped her mouth shut and dissolved into uncontrollable giggles instead.

“Well!” Yuna said, her face red. “Then I’ll speak to Baralai about arranging a room. And...maybe you can stick around a few days?” 

Rikku glanced over at Auron as she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes.  She was giving him some sort of look, something he couldn’t quite decipher, so he just nodded. They weren’t in any particular hurry and he knew that Yuna and Tidus were her best friends. What good would it do either of them to put his foot down and demand they set off as soon as possible?  Plus, Yuna was clearly busy and he couldn’t expect her to just drop everything and cater to his needs.

“I see no reason why not,” he said.

“Wonderful!” Yuna said enthusiastically. “I really do have to go though, or I’m going to be late.  I think I’ve been rude enough for one day.  Tidus?”

“I’ll stay with these two,” he said quickly. “You know, keep them company.”

“Maybe a good idea,” Yuna said, kissing him to soothe her words before hurrying out the door.

“So,” Tidus said after a moment of silence where they all stared at each other a little awkwardly. “Hungry?”

There was a resounding agreement, and they gathered themselves up to locate some food.

* * *

They spent that evening exploring the city.  Rikku had been insistent on looking through the open air markets for trinkets and items she could customize, and Auron had let her cling to his hand and drag him along while Tidus kept up at an easy pace and chatted their ears off about everything and anything. It was a lot of walking and looking and the pair of them pestering him to show them his old haunts, but he found he didn’t mind it.

It was nice to just be with them without the hand of time ticking incessantly in the back of his brain or his worries consuming him.  For a while he was able to forget and just be, and he was grateful for the peace it brought.  They made noise about meeting up with Yuna for dinner, but she didn’t manage to get out of her meetings until late, so they had dined together and Tidus had brought Yuna something back.

Rikku and Auron had made good use of a real bed for the first time in nearly a week and had fallen asleep sated, content, and curled around each other.  Unfortunately, the warmth and comfort made the loud knock on their door early the next morning all the more jarring. Rikku let out a heartfelt groan and pressed her face into his chest, mumbling something mutinously in Al Bhed.  Auron grumbled as well and turned into his pillow.  He was almost asleep again when another knock came, a little louder. 

“Rikku?” Yuna’s voice called, tentatively. “Auron?  I’m sorry to wake you, but I’m afraid it’s rather urgent….”

Auron sighed deeply and rolled out of bed.  When he swung the door open, bed sheet wrapped around his waist to preserve his modesty, Yuna was raising her fist to knock on the door once more.

“Oh,” she said in surprise, and then, when she saw his state of dress, “Oh!”

It was almost amusing, how quickly her face went red as she averted her eyes to stare determinedly at the door frame rather than his bare chest.

“Can I help you?” he prompted after a moment, when it seemed she was too flustered to remember why she’d been knocking.  He wondered if he’d been hasty and should have taken the time to dress before opening the door.  His brain was still a bit foggy from sleep and he hadn’t really thought it through.

“Sorry,” she blurted. “To wake you so early. Only I spoke to Baralai last night and he said that we could visit the Underground before our planning session began, but I didn’t have the chance to tell you before now…”

“That’s quite alright,” he assured her. “I’ll wake Rikku, we’ll meet you at your room in half an hour.”

“Great!” Yuna said, a little too enthusiastically. “If you’ll...excuse me.”

She hurried away quickly and he shut the door firmly.

“Did you give Yunie a show?” Rikku asked from the bed, still asleep by all appearances except that she was talking to him.

“If you consider my chest a show,” he snorted, watching as she curled up on her side, her eyes still closed.

“I do,” she informed him sleepily. “It’s so wide and buff and I love the chest hair.  Sexy.”

“You’re still asleep,” he informed her, and she popped an eye open to look at him, leering suggestively.

“Awake enough to enjoy the view,” she said, and he huffed a laugh.

“Get up,” he urged. “I told Yuna we’d be ready in half an hour.”

“I don’t know why you’d tell her that when you know it takes me twenty minutes just to shower,” she sighed, but she sat up all the same and stretched in a very enticing way.

“Now who’s putting on a show?” he asked, and she winked at him flirtily.

“Shower with me?” she asked.

“Half an hour,” he reminded her, and she sighed huffily.

“Fine,” she said, rolling out of bed.  If he watched her all the way until she stepped into the shower, it was only to ensure that she was actually getting ready.  Really.

* * *

He was a little surprised when Yuna lead them into the audience chamber, which was mostly dark and empty at the early hour of the morning, and then down the lift directly into the Cloister of Trials.

“The public entrance to the Cloister was destroyed when we dropped Sin on the city,” she explained ruefully. “This is the only way in now.  Not that anyone is visiting these days.”

She stepped out onto the glowing path, which was solid in a way it hadn’t been on his previous visits.  Bevelle had always been his most-hated Cloister, because of the touchy controls on the sphere pad and the maze-like set up that required them to double back on themselves over and over again.  It would have been nice if he’d known the path could become solid back then, though maybe patience had been one of the virtues the trial had been testing for.

He paused when they came into the antechamber to the Chamber of the Fayth.  He’d been there twice, but the second time tensions had been so high that he hadn’t had time to think about the memories.  Now, though, they shone loud and clear from the depths of his mind.  He and Jecht had spent hours waiting in that room.  Auron had kept a silent vigil next to the door, but Jecht had been unable to sit still.  He’d passed the time by doing everything from push ups to talking loudly about his life in Zanarkand, even though Auron had put on a show about ignoring him.

He had listened, though.  That antechamber was where he’d learned the most about Jecht, even if it had been months before they’d really become friends.  It had made him angry at the time.  He’d been so uptight and steadfast in his beliefs, thinking that Jecht was disrespecting an entire institution.  Furious that he didn’t seem to care at all that Braska could die in there, if the Fayth rejected him as a Summoner or if he wasn’t strong enough to handle the bond.

Auron had been so young, then. So stupid and full of hope.  He almost missed that.

“You okay?” Rikku asked, shaking him from his melancholy thoughts.

“I’m fine,” he said quickly, and then, when Rikku gave him a look, “Just remembering.”

She didn’t ask what he was remembering; it was probably fairly obvious.  Instead, she just took him by the arm and gently tugged him from the room. 

He’d only been in the Bevelle Chamber of the Fayth once; it wasn’t really his place as a Guardian to enter, after all.  But when Tidus and Kimahri had decided to abandon the precepts and force their way into the Chamber, well.  He hadn’t been able to deny his own curiosity.

The Chamber had seemed warm then, full of a subtle, ethereal glow and softened by the touch of Fayth magic.  Now it was dark and empty and dead, just as the Chamber in Besaid had been.  Unlike Besaid, however, the hole ripped out of the center of the floor had a small ramshackle lift installed on the side.

“That’ll be way better than jumping,” Rikku said, and Yuna nodded in agreement.

“You jumped down there?” Tidus demanded, leaning so far over the hole to peer down into the darkness that Auron twitched with the need to yank him back by his shirt. “Did you even know what you were jumping in to?”

“Well,” Yuna said avoiding his gaze and tucking her hands behind her back innocently. “We knew there was something down there.  And it turned out alright.”

Auron, long since having given up on trying to wrangle any sense of self-preservation on willful teenagers, just rolled his eye.  He let himself into the lift and glanced at the controls, which were a lot older than he had any experience with.  Zanarkand had been full of machina, but it had all been high tech and top of the line.  Whatever this was appeared to be cobbled together from a bunch of different things.

“Rikku?” he said, and she saluted him jauntily before poking around the control pad.

By the time they had all piled onto the lift, pressed uncomfortably close together for lack of space, Rikku had figured it out and had them descending.  The ride was a long one, in a mostly dark enclosed cavern and they all seemed to stay quiet out of reverence for the atmosphere.  The lower they went, the colder and danker the air got.  

The light was almost painful when the lift finally emerged from the tunnel.  It left them all blinking like owls, and it wasn’t until they’d filed out of the lift and his eyes had adjusted that Auron really understood the magnitude of what he was seeing.  It was a huge hulking security system made up of ancient machina kept in fine-tuned, working order.  The walls ran with wires bright with blue electricity.  It was the only remnants of Bevelle’s machina city, and it was almost terrible to behold.

“Insane, isn’t it?” Rikku asked, her voice echoing hugely in the large room. “To think this was down here in working order for a thousand years.  And we were called heathens for using speeders and salvaging.”

“The true face of Yevon continues to disappoint,” Auron said, and they all nodded in agreement.

They followed Yuna through the Underground, which required a bit of chain sliding and platform jumping, though both Rikku and Yuna assured him it was much easier to get through now with the security system disarmed than it had been before.  Still, even with their insider knowledge, it took nearly an hour of walking and backtracking in the maze-like expanse to get to where they were going.  They finally stopped when they reached a long runway in a huge round chamber.  

It was dark and cold inside, in the way that only places that hadn’t seen sunlight in years could be.  The only light came from glowing blue symbols of Yevon shining down from the chamber walls, and their steps echoed ominously as Yuna lead their procession to the large round platform at the end of the runway.  She stood uncertainly in the middle, her goosebumps visible even from a distance, but Auron continued until he was standing with the toes of his boots at the very edge of the platform.

Besides the gaping maw of destruction to the right of the platform--where it appeared as if something had been ripped straight out of the wall, leaving only ruined wires and bent steel behind--there wasn’t much to see.  The chamber descended down into inky darkness, a void just like the ones in the temples, so dark that even the walls seemed to disappear mere feet below the edge of the platform.  He stared down into the darkness for a long moment, too many thoughts swirling his brain.  Then, he stepped back to join them.

“Yuna,” he said, a request and a command all in one, and she nodded.  

They gave her a wide berth, huddling together in a small group a few feet behind her, though she didn’t actually need the room.  He thought it just felt more natural, to stand back and let a summoner do her work.  Yuna stepped up to the center of the platform and sunk down to her knees, tucking her skirt--blue like the waters of Besaid--demurely under her as she went.  

They watched in an almost awed silence as she tilted her face back towards the ceiling and stretched her arms above her and then brought them back down in an exaggerated prayer before bowing deeply until her forehead almost touched the floor.  The silence that rang around them was almost deafening, but it was a few minutes before Yuna lifted her head and looked back at them.

“Sometimes…” she said hesitantly. “Sometimes it takes a few tries.”

Tidus nodded at her encouragingly and she spared him a strained smile before turning her back on them once more.  She performed the prayer again, stretching higher and bowing lower, as if she thought maybe it was her form that was the problem.  She stayed bowed for close to ten minutes that time, her eyes pressed closed and her lips moving silently as she made her unspoken pleas.

“Yuna,” Auron said when she sat up looking defeated. “It’s okay.”

“Just let me try one more time,” she said determinedly. “I can do this.”

He hesitated for a long moment and then nodded.  He certainly didn’t want to put her out or make her feel as if she had failed him.  Maybe it had been too much to ask her to do this, after ten years when she had put her life as a summoner behind her.  But he didn’t have many options, and if she was willing to try again, why should he stop her?

Nearly an hour later, he regretted the very thought.  Yuna had gone into an almost trance-like state, but her posture remained firm, her back bowed gracefully and her forehead just barely kissing the floor.  Her mouth moved continuously, silently, and he knew it was all for naught.  Yuna was a practiced, powerful summoner, even so many years away from her pilgrimage.  If the Fayth were going to respond, they would have.

He caught Tidus’ eye and shook his head.  Tidus looked relieved and immediately hurried to kneel by Yuna’s side.  He placed his hand on the center of her back gently and leaned down to talk to her quietly until her eyes were opening and she was sitting up with a bit of difficulty and a wince on her face.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice rough. “I can’t reach them, or they won’t answer.”

“I knew it was a long shot,” Auron told her, even as his stomach roiled with disappointment. “Thank you for trying.”

She smiled a little wanly at him, and Auron watched as Tidus helped her to her feet, her legs wobbling like jelly.  It  _ had _ been a long shot, but it had been their only shot.  He knew, now, without a doubt, that the Fayth would not be coming.  They would give him no answers and no help.  He had to figure it out on his own.

* * *

One their last day in Bevelle, Rikku and Tidus managed to convince Yuna to take the whole day off.  By which, of course, he meant that Tidus scooped Yuna over his shoulder and carried her away from a shocked contingent of world leaders while Rikku made quick and cheerful apologies.

Yuna had pretended to be upset for all of ten minutes before giving up the ruse and asking cheerfully what they would be doing. Rikku insisted that they go back to the open air markets, and they all agreed easily.  The girls ended up doing most of the shopping, cooing over booths of handmade jewelry and colorful scarves.  Auron and Tidus followed at a sedate pace, content to watch them laugh and talk and shop.  

Rikku seemed to want to sample one of everything at all the food booths and talked the rest of them into her crusade so that she didn’t have to eat it all by herself. Tidus didn’t need much convincing, and before long he had joined the girls in dashing from booth to booth and chatting nonstop about this and that.  Auron watched them fondly from a distance, not particularly inclined to squeeze his way into the small booths with a bunch of strangers.

It was as the others were inspecting a pair of machina pistols with pearl grips that Auron spotted a smaller booth across the way that boasted enchanted wares.  The hand-written sign nailed to the wall promised that every piece was handcrafted and sure to provide some sort of protection from or advantage against fiends.

At the edge of the table sat the piece that had caught his eye: a golden arm cuff that shined brightly in the midday sun.  It looked delicate, not like the sort of thing that Auron would want to take into battle for protection, but it was clearly finely crafted.  The lines of it were thin, wrapping around in arching loops three times. On either end was a golden feather, curved so that it would wrap snugly around the wearer's arm.  The feathers were so intricately carved that he brushed a finger against them, just to make sure they were truly made of gold. It was beautiful, and he could already see in his mind’s eye how gorgeous it would look wrapped around Rikku’s arm.

“That’s a good choice,” the man manning the booth said knowingly. “A lot of work went into crafting that piece.  It’s very powerful.”

“How much?” Auron asked, and then outright laughed when the man named his price.

“Why do you laugh?” he asked, offended. “That piece might be my finest craftsmanship.  It cancels out the wear of magic!”

Auron paused then, looking at the cuff again.  It didn’t seem to have that sort of power, but then again, he’d encountered many things that seemed innocuous enough before they were blasting you on your ass, so what did he know?

The craftsman apparently mistook his silence for doubt.

“Truly, good sir,” he insisted. “Mages can go, twice, even three times as long with the same amount of magical skill while wearing this piece, I guarantee it!”

“Thirty thousand gil,” Auron countered. It would cut into quite a bit of the funds that he had salvaged from fiends along the way, but it would be worth it if it was truly as good as the man boasted. Once they were past the Calm Lands, there would be no use for gil anyway.

“You insult me, sir,” the man insisted, but Auron could see the gleam in his eye. “I couldn’t possibly part with it for less than forty thousand.”

“Thirty-two,” Auron returned, and the man gasped theatrically.

“Thirty-eight…”

“Thirty-five is my final offer,” Auron said bluntly.  The craftsman stared at him with narrowed eyes and opened his mouth, possibly to tell him to hit the road, but he was interrupted by Yuna appearing at Auron’s side.

“There you are,” she said. “Are you buying something?”

“Perhaps,” Auron said noncommittally. “Where are the others?”

“Rikku saw a snow cone vendor,” Yuna explained, and Auron nodded.

“High Summoner!” the craftsman bleated, offering her a prayer, bowing so deep he almost hit his forehead on the edge of his table.

“Oh, hello,” Yuna greeted politely with an awkward wave.

“It is an honor, Lady Yuna, truly,” he babbled excitedly. “That you would visit my humble booth! Please, anything you like, it’s yours!”

“Oh, I couldn’t!” Yuna said quickly. “You work so hard, you deserve to be paid for it.  These are all so beautiful, though.”

She fingered a silver charm bracelet with a pink hibiscus charm dangling from it.  The craftsman snatched it up and took Yuna’s hand, which had Auron bristling as if she was still his summoner to defend.  She was clearly shocked, but she didn’t try and snatch her arm away, so Auron just watched suspiciously.  The man clasped the bracelet around Yuna’s wrist and clapped his hands together happily. 

“It was made for you,” he declared. “And it’s a neat trick, High Summoner.  That charm will keep fiends at bay.”

“But I…”

“To know that you wear something that I crafted is payment enough,” he insisted.

“Oh,” Yuna said, clearly flustered. “Then I thank you.  I’ll be sure to tell everyone where I got it.”

“Thank you, Lady Yuna,” he said, offering her another prayer. “My name is Rydal.”

“Then thank you, Rydal,” Yuna said, bowing her head politely. “Auron, are you ready?”

He turned and looked at Rydal and raised an eyebrow before saying, “Thirty-five?”

“Very well,” Rydal agreed, not looking particularly happy about it but also having figured out who he was. After the song and dance with Yuna, he clearly didn’t want to offend. “Thirty-five.”

Auron gave the man his gil and watched carefully as he wrapped up the cuff in a little box and tied it tightly with a piece of blue ribbon.  He tucked it away into his pocket and left the booth, Yuna following.

“She’ll love that,” she said knowingly, and Auron nodded. 

She made a small noise, like she was thinking of saying something but wasn’t quite sure how to start.  With all the things they had told her in the past few days, it could have been anything, so he stayed quiet and waited until she gathered her thoughts.

“I don’t want to intrude,” she said. “But I’m...worried, I suppose.”

“About?” he asked.

“You,” she said. “I don’t know how you’re alive, or why, but I’m very happy about it.  I just...suspect that you aren’t.”

He looked at her then, and she grimaced apologetically.

“I can't say that I understand it,” she said. “I think a second chance at life is a blessing, though I haven't experienced it from your perspective.” 

He stared at her, feeling caught out and almost bare.  He really didn’t want to have to try to explain survivor’s guilt and crushing depression to someone as bright and pure as Yuna.  He didn’t even like thinking about it too much himself.  It was easier to get through the day if he could just push it aside and focus on other things. How was he supposed to explain it to her, to make her understand?  This was a woman who had, at an impossibly young age, made the decision to sacrifice herself to save everyone else. This was a woman who hadn't expected to grow up and get married and have a child, all because she was so selfless. This was his best friend’s daughter, who had forsaken everything she had ever known to create a better future. To right his wrongs. 

Auron didn't know how to explain to her that he didn't want to be in the world she had created for all of them. 

“I'm not judging you,” Yuna said to his silence. “I know I could never really understand, and that there probably isn’t a single person in all of Spira who truly could.  But you’re hurting, and the summoner in me wants to help.”

“Yuna…” he said, not wanting to place the weight of his problems on her.  She had strong shoulders, but his burdens weren’t hers to bear.

“This isn’t something I can wave my staff over and fix,” she continued gently. “I know that.  This is something you’ve got to figure out on your for yourself.  But I want you to know that you are dearly loved, by all of us.  And…”

She paused then coming to a stop in the middle of the crowd, stubborn and still like a stone as the river of people flexed to move around them.

“And I want you to know that he wouldn’t resent you, and I don’t either.”

“I…” Auron started, his stomach clenching uncomfortably.  He didn’t know what to say.

“I know that there’s a lot of guilt that comes with surviving,” Yuna said. “I had to come to terms with that, after Sin. Having to know that so many summoners and guardians died for a lie, and knowing that I had lived.  It was hard, but I eventually I learned to let it go.  To be grateful for their sacrifices because they were given in good faith, even if they were misinformed.”

It was just another way in which she was so much better than him, though he couldn’t resent her for it.  He wanted her to be happy and live her life without the weight of the past dragging her down.  It was what he’d fought for.  But Auron wasn’t very good at letting go of the past, or forgiving wrongs.  He never had been.

“My father chose to die because he believed it would save us,” Yuna continued earnestly. “Because he loved us.  He wanted us to live, and that’s how I know he wouldn’t be mad that you were given another chance and he wasn’t.  And I could never be anything other than grateful to you, after everything you’ve done for all of us.  I wouldn’t trade your life for his.”

“Thank you, Yuna,” he said, because he didn’t have any better words to properly express how he was feeling. She was a better person than most could ever hope to be. He felt like a better man just for being in her presence.  He didn’t think he managed to convey that to her with his tone of voice, but the way she smiled at him made him think maybe she understood anyway.

“I think I’m in the mood for a snow cone,” she said suddenly, pointing out Rikku and Tidus--who were passing two different sickly-sweet looking concoctions back and forth between them--in the distance. “Are you coming?”

“Yes,” he said, watching them laugh as a large hunk of shaved iced flopped off of Tidus’ spoon and directly into his lap. “Wouldn’t miss it.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, the penultimate chapter. This one is a bit of a wild ride bc it covers a lot of ground from start to finish, and also happens to be shorter than the rest of the chapters I've posted. This is because the idea of writing pages worth of total filler to get through the Calm Lands was horrific, so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
> Hope you like it.

It was as they were walking back to the palace—Rikku and Yuna up ahead with Tidus and Auron bringing up the rear—that he really noticed what had been bothering him all week long.

The line of Rikku’s shoulders was tense, even as she joked and grinned and danced around, chatting her cousin’s ear off.  He knew her by now, and he could tell that she wasn’t being totally sincere.  Was she happy to be there, visiting?  Most likely, yes.  But something was also bothering her, and he suspected it had a lot to do with Yuna’s fixed smile.

“What happened between them?” he asked Tidus as they walked.

“What do you mean?” Tidus asked, frowning at him, and then at the girls, and then back at him again.

“Something has changed,” Auron said. “Between the two of them.  They’re tense around each other.”

“Oh,” Tidus said knowingly. “They’ve been like that for a while. Years.”

He hadn’t noticed it when they had all been together on Besaid all those months ago, but he supposed that was his own fault.  He’d been reeling from his return to Spira and more self-absorbed than usual.  He hadn’t had space in his awareness to notice the subtle tension between the cousins, particularly since everything seemed fine on the surface.

“What happened?” Auron asked again.

“I only know what Yuna told me,” Tidus said, shrugging. “It was a few months after I came back.  They went on a trip with Paine and I guess while they were gone they got in a fight about the way they’re leading their lives and I don’t think they ever really got over it.”

“That’s all?” Auron asked, a little incredulous. “They got in a fight eight years ago and they haven’t resolved it?”

“Well, they’ve resolved it enough,” Tidus said noncommittally, like he wasn’t sure that was totally accurate. 

Auron hummed thoughtfully.  Tidus, while notoriously oblivious, was a good judge of character.  He was good at seeing people and understanding them, on a more emotional level than Auron had ever been able to manage.  It made him an indispensable opinion when he was trying to piece together the answer to a mystery.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Tidus said, shrugging. “I wasn’t there and Yuna didn’t tell me much.  But they’re just not close like they were before that fight. I think that bothers them more than anything else.”

Auron hummed again, watching Rikku as she spun on her heel and turned to face Yuna, talking animatedly about something while Yuna just nodded along with her words.

“Why don’t you ask Rikku about it?” Tidus suggested.  

Auron nodded.  Maybe he would.

* * *

He didn’t get a chance to ask Rikku about it that night. He’d given her the cuff he’d bought as an attempt to smooth the way into difficult conversation, but she had been so pleased with it that she had jumped him almost immediately. They spent the night doing things that were much more interesting than digging up the past.  The next morning, the timing hadn’t seemed quite right as they double-checked their room for any left-behind belongings and bid goodbye to Tidus and Yuna at the end of the high bridge. Then they had been busy walking at a fast clip so that they could be firmly in the Calm Lands in time to set up camp.

Though he hadn’t said anything, Auron had been reluctant to spend the night on the same road where he had died.  If Rikku had picked up on that, she didn’t mention it, but he thought she walked a bit faster than usual. They spent the day fighting and walking, and as such there wasn’t much time for talking.  It was only after they had come to the crest of the hill and Auron had seen the Calm Lands for the first time that they spoke.

“What did they do?” he demanded, a little horrified at the sight before him.  

The Calm Lands were huge and stretched on for miles in every direction, but even still there were carnival games as far as the eye could see.  A place that had once been solemn and silent and peaceful was now packed with games and tourists and noise.

“There used to be two competing agencies here,” Rikku explained. “But a few years ago there was a marriage between the two families and now they’ve got the whole place running like one huge well-oiled machina.”

“All of this is just...tourist attractions?” he asked, unable to tear his eyes away from a track where mounted chocobos were racing.  He felt sick to his stomach, looking at the balloons and crowds of people, hearing the loud cheerful music.  It was the opposite of calm.

“Well, not all of it,” Rikku said, seemingly not noticing his dark mood. “The Calm Lands are so big, even a hover takes hours to reach the middle, so they try to keep things towards the edges.  I used to come here all the time.  The games are a lot of fun and you can win all sorts of great stuff…”

“My best friend died here,” Auron snapped harshly before marching off down the slope.  

He knew it was wrong even as he did it.  It wasn’t Rikku’s fault that this place had been turned into a sideshow. The Calm Lands had most probably been viewed as a huge hunk of empty land with no purpose, and so the people of Spira had decided to take it back.  He understood that.  But he had fought a horrific, bloody battle and lost everything in this vast, endless plain.  To see it like this was gutting.

“I get what you’re saying,” Rikku said, running to catch up with him. “But Sin hurt all of us, you know.”

“I know,” he said, his teeth gritted. 

“We all lost people we loved.  There’s not a person alive today not missing someone in their life because of Sin.  And it’s painful and it hurts and it wasn’t fair to any of us.  But we won, Auron.   We lost so many along the way, but we won. And if we can’t go and rebuild and make Spira a better place anywhere where someone was killed by Sin, well.  We might have to go build a new land mass out in the ocean.”

“I know,” Auron sighed, his anger abating as suddenly as it had come in the face of her logic. “I know you’re right.  It just feels wrong.”

“I get it,” Rikku assured him. “This place means something to you, the way it was.”

Auron hummed a confirmation, slowing his pace as they reached the bottom of the slope and descended into the crowd.  The air was thick voices and the smell of food and laughter, for all intents a happy, joyful place.  But he didn’t feel happy there.

“You know, I never met Uncle Braska,” she said suddenly. “I was just a little girl when he died, and Pops never liked him anyway.  But I think he would have liked all this and what it stands for.”

He side-eyed her, unconvinced.  Braska was never the holiest of men, but Auron was sure he would understand the sacred silence of this place.

“This is what the Calm is all about, isn’t it?” She pressed on, ignoring his doubtful look. “We never could have had this, with Sin around.  So many people gathered together would have drawn it in.”

Which was true. That was also the reason that the Calm Lands had been such an important part of the battle with Sin. Beyond tradition, there were no innocent bystanders. The only people to speak of were the nomadic tribes that could pick up and move out as soon as they sensed trouble in the air. There weren’t supposed to be people in the Calm Lands.

He’d liked to think of this quiet grass sea as his friend’s final resting place.  Undisturbed and unchanging, just as Braska would remain. But now...

“And yeah, he died here,” Rikku continued, almost babbling now. “A lot of summoners did.  But now it means something else.  It has a history, one we can remember and respect, but it also has a future.  We can build joy on top of the sorrow.”

Auron looked around again, and he didn’t see joy.  He saw despair and hopelessness and death.  But then he looked at the faces of the children playing a little game where they fished for prizes, and that’s where he found it.  The happiness.  The simple joy of someone who had never known Sin and it’s atrocities, playing a game in a crowded field on a beautiful day.  He saw Yuna in those children, seven years old and presenting him with a beaded trinket as he followed her father towards certain death.  He saw Tidus too, nine and grinning for the first time since his mother got sick as he watched a live Blitzball match.  Joy on top of sorrow. 

“I think you’re right,” he said finally. “Braska would like this.”

“He was a smart guy,” she said, and then, “C’mon, It’s still about two hours until we’ve walked far enough to be past most of the attractions.  Or we can take a hover out to the edge, if you want.”

“A hover,” Auron said decisively, glaring at the crowd. 

“You got it, Boss,” Rikku said cheerfully. “There should be one nearby.”

She lead them through the crowd, her head held high like she knew exactly where they were going, and he decided there was no time like the present.  He’d already darkened the mood with his anger and melancholy, so it wasn’t as if that were an issue. He knew that the longer he waited the more awkward it would feel to ask.  And, if he were being honest, he was worried about her.

“Rikku,” he said, and she hummed absent-mindedly bouncing up on her toes and looking around to try and spot a hover. “What’s going on between you and Yuna?”

She stopped then, falling back to the flats of her feet and looking at him sharply.

“Why?” she asked.

“I noticed some tension,” he said. “Tidus seemed to think it was because of an argument you had a few years ago.”

“It’s nothing,” Rikku assured him, though the tense line of her shoulders gave her away. “We’ve dealt with it.”

“If you’ve dealt with it, why does it still bother you so much?” he asked.

“Auron, I really don’t want to talk about this,” she said so firmly that it surprised him.  He wasn’t used to her shutting him down so coldly, but then he supposed he must have struck a nerve. She clearly wasn’t as over it as she said she was.  But, if she said she didn’t want to talk about it, well.  He could be supportive too.

“Alright,” he agreed. “My apologies.”

She spared him a strained smile and then pointed off into the distance.

“Look, there’s the hover,” she said. “C’mon.”

She didn’t give him a chance to respond before she was marching off through the crowd, leaving him to follow in her wake.

* * *

Even with the hovers at the edges of either side of the Calm Lands, it took them nearly three weeks to cross the middle.  The Calm Lands were vast and endless and the only way to tell if they were heading in the right direction was the far-off peak of Gagazet in the northern sky.  In some places the barrage of fiends was nearly constant, but in others they walked for hours without seeing another living being.

Those weeks had been exhausting but also freeing.  Auron had felt more at peace out in the wilds than he had in the whole time he’d been back in Spira.  There was something about knowing that they were alone and that no one was looking that brought him a deep-seated serenity he couldn’t really explain.   

Rikku’s presence only intensified that feeling.  He spent his days watching her customize his bracer in preparation for the icy fiends of Gagazet and inspect old ruins that looked interesting. She stole everything she could get her fingers on from fiends and crowed excitedly about how much more magic she could use with Auron’s gift wrapped snugly around her bicep.  Sometimes, when they had gone hours without seeing a fiend, she would complain of how much her feet hurt and leap onto his back and demand that he carry her, or pop up on her toes and press sweet, happy kisses to his mouth.

It made him feel young and alive in a way he hadn’t in a long time.  In a way he wasn’t sure he ever really had before.  Out there in the middle of nowhere with just Rikku’s smiles and bright laughter to keep him company, he was happy.  Happy enough to wonder if maybe they should just stop and stay and never leave again.  Ignore the rest of the world and live in that bubble of isolation.

He knew it wasn’t to be, though.  Neither of them were people who could be happy just sitting around doing nothing.  Without some sort of goal in mind, they’d go crazy inside of a week.  So continue they did, until the air turned icy cold and the sun disappeared behind the peak of the mountain.  Rikku was shivering noticeably in her shorts and halter top by the time they reached the bridges that connected the Calm Lands to Gagazet’s base.  He almost felt badly for her, but only almost.  She had, after all, been to Gagazet before.  He knew she knew how cold it was, because he’d had to listen to her and Wakka complain about it for weeks as they made their way slowly up to the peak.  Really, he had been the only one who was dressed for the extreme conditions, and without Lulu’s warming spells he was sure they all would have died from exposure.

“Okay,” she said, her teeth chattering loudly. “We need to stop for a second.”

He watched, bemused, and she started digging into her pack, her arm reaching far deeper into the little pouch on her hip than should have been possible.

“You’ll stay warmer if we keep moving,” he pointed out, though he was already resigning himself to having to give up his coat to keep her from freezing to death in lieu of Lulu’s spells.

“I’ll stay warmer if I change,” she retorted, pulling a bundle of fabric out of her pouch and shaking it triumphantly at him.

“Where did you get those?” he asked, looking at the long black pants and the green top with surprise.

“Bevelle,” she said matter-of-factly, pressing the clothes between her knees and reaching for the hem of her top.

“Are you going to change right here?” he asked, looking pointedly around at the open area they were standing in.  Anyone could walk through at any time and see her. 

“Well, I guess not,” she sighed. “Come on.”

She led him over to a corner, where a ramp lead down into the gorge, and positioned him in front of her before yanking her shirt off.  Her skin immediately lit up with goosebumps and she hissed through her teeth as she pulled her new top on.  Auron pressed closer, both to try and keep her warm and to guard her from potential roving eyes.

“You’re insane, do you know that?” he asked her.

“I’ve been told once or twice,” she said cheekily, straightening out her top meticulously.  It was still a tank top, but this one covered covered her stomach and her back fully, leaving less bare skin exposed to the elements.  The pants, which she changed for her shorts after hopping around in place trying to yank her boots off, were tight and black and didn’t look particularly warm.  When she was fully dressed again, yanking on matching green sleeves that stretched from just above her elbows to her wrists, she posed for him, as if awaiting his approval.

“You’re still going to be cold,” he informed her. “Why didn’t you buy a jacket, while you were doing all this shopping?”

“Because jackets are bulky and make you slow,” she said pointedly. 

“They also keep you from dying of hypothermia,” he retorted. “And I’ll remember that, when you’re whining about how cold you are.”

“Don’t you worry about me,” she insisted. “These pants are lined with fleece and the sleeves are enchanted to release a warming spell when they get too cold.  So there.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and he resisted the urge to reach out and grab it like he’d done to Tidus when he was a boy.

“I don’t want to hear a single complaint,” he warned her and she crossed her eyes at him.  He laughed then, shaking his head.

“Fine, let’s go,” he said. “The Ronso village isn’t far.”

They started walking again, crossing the bridge and heading up the pillared path towards the village at the base of the mountain.

“We’ll have to say hi to Kimahri,” Rikku said. “He’s the elder now, did anyone tell you?”

“Yuna mentioned it,” Auron said. “I hadn’t imagined Kimahri as someone who would want the power and responsibility it takes to lead.  Though I suppose that’s what would make him well-suited to the job.”

“Oh yeah,” Rikku agreed. “He’s really good at that whole sage wisdom shtick.  He stopped a war between the Guado and the Ronso pretty much single-handedly.  You know Kimahri, quick to anger and even quicker to put you on your ass when he needs to.”

“Also…” she said, sounding a little hesitant. “I wanted to run something by you.”

“Alright,” he said, glancing at her a little warily.  Rikku’s ideas tended to big and boisterous, and climbing the mountain would be dangerous enough without any of her schemes thrown into the mix.

“Well,” she said slowly. “I know you wanted to walk the whole trip and everything, but I’ve been thinking that I really don’t want to spend a month climbing the mountain and hoping we don’t get eaten by a fiend.”

He looked at her carefully, wondering if this was where she was going to tell him that he was taking the rest of this journey on his own.  That she had grown tired of walking him and his baggage around all of Spira and that she was going home.  He supposed it was fair; she had invested months into this, for little to no results.  The only answer they’d found was that they would be getting no answers.  This trip to Zanarkand didn’t have a purpose other than Auron feeling like that was what he should do.  He understood the impulse to avoid endangering her life on a whim.

“Alright,” he said, trying to sound understanding.

“So I was thinking we could take the warp pads up the mountain,” she said quickly. “Instead of weeks, it’ll take us like, ten minutes tops and bam, we’ll be in Zanarkand!”

And, well.  That was certainly not what he expected to hear.  And honestly, it wasn’t an unreasonable request.  Gagazet wasn’t known as Zanarkand’s trial for nothing.  It was a long, perilous trip.  Most of those who attempted it didn’t live long enough to see the ruins on the other side.  Many hardened, practiced summoners and their guardians had died on the way up. All it took was one bout of misfortune, or one misplaced step.  He knew that.  And yet still, he wanted to walk the mountain.

“I don’t know,” he said thoughtfully. “Skipping weeks of climbing doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but it seems almost wrong to me, somehow. The trip to Zanarkand requires the mountain.  The bitter cold and the Fayth Scar and…”

“Okay,” she said quickly, clearly seeing she was losing him. “Counter offer. We take the warp up to the mountain trail.  You know, that spot where we fought Seymour?  It’s right before the Fayth Scar and that big cave with the trials. I’m coming with you no matter what you decide, but if you have a single ounce of affection for me, please please don’t make me climb that mountain again.”

She stuck out her lower lip in an exaggerated pout, her fingers laced under her chin in a begging gesture.  He thought about it for a moment, and then decided that she was right.  There was no reason to torture them both by making them climb up the mountain when there was no need for it.  Seeing the Fayth Scar with his own eyes would be enough.  Walking through the cave and up over the crest of the summit to look down on the ruins from up high would be enough.

“Okay,” he agreed. “We’ll take the warp to the mountain path.”

“Thank you!” she practically yelled, throwing her arms around his neck and clinging for dear life.

He laughed and hugged her back, lifting her off her feet because he knew she liked it.  True to form, she popped her feet up behind her and pressed a few kisses against his face before she made her way to his mouth.  He fell into it for a long moment, before he remembered that they weren’t in the middle of the Calm Lands anymore.  This was a path used liberally by the Ronso, and someone could walk by at any moment.  He pulled away, a little regretfully, and she kissed his cheek one more time before dropping her legs and standing on her own two feet again.

“Kimahri’ll be happy to see you, I think,” Rikku said as they started up the trail again. “Or, well, as happy as Kimahri ever is.  Have you spoken to him since you came back?”

“No,” Auron admitted. “Though Yuna told him around the same time she told you, I believe.”

“I know he has to stay on the mountain since he’s the elder and all,” she said. “But I can’t believe he didn’t come to see you. As soon as I got Yunie’s message I was on the first airship to Besaid.  Not that I think Yuna could ever play a cruel joke like that, but I couldn’t...I just needed to see you with my own two eyes, you know?”

“I suppose that explains why I didn’t know you were coming until you were almost there,” he said. 

“Yeah, I tried to look cool about it,” Rikku sighed. “But it’s not often you get a second chance to let someone know how you feel about them, right?  I kicked myself so many times for not letting you know how much you meant to me back then.  Even just to tell you that I appreciated everything you did for us, you know?  And then you were back and all those times I’d imagined what I’d tell you if I ever got the chance were rushing through my brain and I didn’t even stop to think.  Of course, when I saw you they all flew out of my head and I just wanted to hug you.  And you were so stiff and awkward but it was still probably the best hug I’ve ever had in my life.”

“Do you know what I thought when I first saw you on that beach?” Auron asked.

“Oh wow, she’s still as loud as ever?” Rikku suggested cheekily.

“Well, that too,” he said, mock-seriously, smirking when she tried to shove him off-balance in retaliation and failed.

“What did you really think?” she asked.

“I thought that you’d grown up to be a very beautiful, strong woman,” he said. “I might have stared a little bit.  Lulu noticed.”

Her bright laughter echoed off the stone walls around them.

“I’m glad I came to Besaid,” she said, suddenly serious. “And that you came back to Luca with me.  You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”

Her admission was almost too real.  It made his heart lift with gratification, but at the same time it made his stomach clench with guilt.  Rikku was...she was everything he wanted.  She made him happy when things seemed bleak.  The way she smiled and teased, while also keeping him grounded and accountable, sometimes seemed like the only reason to get up and face the day.  But it wasn’t always enough to chase away the darkness and make him want to embrace this life he’d been given.  She was the best thing in his life, without a doubt, but he didn’t know if that was enough to keep him going.  And that made him feel guilty, because it should be.

“I’m glad too,” he said, and her smile lifted his melancholy, if only for a moment.

* * *

If Kimahri was surprised to see them, it didn’t show on his face.  Auron suspected that not many things fazed Kimahri, which was what made him such a strong and useful guardian, both to Yuna and to his people.  He didn’t have much to say, only offering Auron and nod and a thump on the chest, the Ronso sign of brotherhood.  He had more to say to Rikku, but that was because it was almost impossible not to talk to Rikku when she wanted you to.  Still, Kimahri was a Ronso of few words and before long they were stepping on the warp pad to the mountain trail.

The wind was fast and freezing as they stepped off the pad, a harsh and noticeable difference from the mountain’s base.  It was like being hit by a wall of ice, and Auron swore that his breath froze in his lungs as he inhaled the icy air. Rikku yelped when she felt it, immediately wrapping her arms around her middle and hunching in on herself.

_ “Ur hu ed'c cdemm cu lumt! Fro ec ed cdemm cu lumt?” _ she whined.

“I told you you couldn’t complain,” he told her sternly, even though he wanted nothing more than to huddle into his own jacket.  He was suddenly overwhelmingly glad he’d agreed to warp instead of facing weeks of bitter cold.

“I’m not complaining in a language you understand, it doesn’t count,” she shot back mutinously.

“It’s in your tone,” he said and she stuck her tongue out at him before yanking it back into her mouth with a yelp at the cold.

“I hate this mountain,” she told him darkly.

“Don’t let the Ronso hear you say that,” Auron suggested and she scowled at him.

“Let’s just go,” she said. “The sooner we get into that cave, the sooner we get out of this awful wind.  Of course then we just have to deal with the dank dark coldness on top of the subzero temperatures…”

“You’re complaining in a language I understand,” he reminded her, and she switched mid-sentence into Al Bhed, muttering continuously under her breath for a full ten minutes as they hiked up the steep incline that lead to the crest where they’d fought Seymour.

“Rikku, I might just learn silence magic,” he threatened, finally fed up with her grumbling.  He was cold too, but he wasn’t flapping his jaw to keep himself warm.

“Sorry,” she sighed, rubbing her arms where her skin was showing, covered in goosebumps. “I guess I just forgot how cold it is up here.  It might actually be colder than the last time.”

“It’s not,” Auron assured her. “But you’ll adapt.  Remember how much Wakka complained in the beginning?  By the time we got to the summit he was fine.”

“Oh yeah,” Rikku laughed, shaking her head. “I thought you were gonna throw him off a cliff for a while there.”

“I considered it,” he admitted, letting out a breath of relief as the ground flattened on the crest.  He’d forgotten how much he hated this mountain and the constant uphill climb.

“I considered cuddling with Kimahri,” Rikku confided, grinning sharply at him.  She seemed to have forgotten how cold she was, at least for the moment. “I knew he was just toasty warm with all that fur.”

“He might have let you,” Auron said, and Rikku laughed.

“Yeah, maybe...”

A sudden movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention and he noticed the Behemoth just as it began to charge, rounding the corner from the Fayth Scar at a terrifying speed.  He had a split second to catalogue surprise that a Behemoth had come this far out of the cave, and that they were standing on the edge of a cliff with a beast barrelling towards them, before he put himself purposefully in front of Rikku, glad that she was close enough that he could guard her.

She screamed when the beast hit him, her hands bracing against his shoulders as the force of the hit pushed him back several feet, almost on top of her.  He managed to stay upright, though, even as his entire torso throbbed with pain.  His breastplate, luckily, had taken most of the damage, and he was only grateful he’d been fast enough to get in front of her.  Rikku was tough, but she sacrificed armor for speed.  She’d have been gored right open by those vicious horns.

“Are you okay?” she asked frantically.

“I’m fine,” he grunted. “We’ve got to kill it fast, though. I don’t know how many more hits like that I can take.”

“Okay,” she said, her face serious and stubborn as she started digging through her hip pouch. “Cover me.”

Auron did as he was told, holding his sword defensively and taking position in front of her, keeping his eye on the beast.  If it decided to charge them again, he wasn’t sure that he could hold it back.  Luckily it seemed to be keeping its distance for the moment, probably not used to opponents that could put up much of a fight.  He was considering moving forward and getting a hit in when it reared back on its hind legs and roared into the sky.  A huge bolt of lightning shot down from the clouds and Auron was grateful that Rikku had decided to add on to the bracer she’d customized in the Thunder Plains rather than starting from scratch.  The bracer absorbed the attack, the silver, bolt-shaped filigree lighting up blue as it took in the magic and destroyed it, rather than letting it hurt him.

The Behemoth roared with rage and lunged forward, swiping its claws at them. Auron blocked and shoved the beast back, returning with a swing that clipped the fiend’s arm.   Pyreflies burst forth like blood, spilling out into the cold mountain air, and the Behemoth reared back again and struck with another useless lightning spell.

“Rikku?” he asked, watching as the fiend paced warily just out of his reach.  He wanted to move forward and meet it, but he didn’t want to leave Rikku unprotected and vulnerable.

“Almost there, Boss,” she assured him, and the fiend charged again.  

Auron managed to block the claws from hitting his face, but his breastplate took another hard beating.  He knocked the beast back with as much strength as he could muster, sending it stumbling back a few steps.  It paced warily, roaring at him, and then lowered its head, getting ready to charge.

“Rikku!” he said, a little frantically.

“Got it!” she chirped, popping up from her crouch and lobbing her concoction right in the Behemoth’s face. “Might want to look away if you like being able to see!”

He did as she said, turning his head just as multiple bright explosions started flashing out of whatever she’d thrown.  The Behemoth roared and screamed but couldn’t break it’s way out of the vortex of exploding fire.  It only went silent when it was dead, disappearing into a burst of pyreflies.

They both stood there silently for a moment, adrenaline burning, panting for breath in the thin mountain air.  Auron was waiting warily to see if something else was going to come at them, but the only sounds he heard were their heavy breaths and the echo of the wind whipping through crevasses.

“Wow,” Rikku breathed. “That was a close one, huh?”

“Too close,” Auron agreed, rubbing ruefully at his side where he’d taken the brunt of the first hit.  His hand came away wet with blood.  It looked so red surrounded by nothing but white snow and gray skies that it seemed almost fake, for a moment. He stared at it, confused, and then the pain hit him.  It was hot and sharp, searing through his right side so strongly that it sent him to his knees.

“Auron?” Rikku demanded, her voice a little shrill. “Oh, Spira, Auron, where does it hurt?”

She dropped to her knees in the snow in front of him, her hands moved frantically over his damaged breastplate, searching for the wound. He found himself getting dizzy with confusion, his vision getting spotty and everything going for a spin when he moved his head.  His adrenaline had protected him when there was clear and present danger, but now that the fiend was gone he was going into shock.   He didn’t quite understand her when she started babbling at him, her voice frantic, but he felt the cool pulse of healing magic as she tried to fix the damage.  He could tell it wasn’t nearly enough.

He realized he’d almost lost consciousness when she grabbed onto his face and shook him a little bit, forcing him to look at her.

“...help me, Auron...please you have to…”

He stared at her, trying to figure out what she wanted from him.  He had protected her, hadn’t he?  The fiend was gone, she was safe…

“...heavy...please, I can’t carry you!”

He realized suddenly, that she wanted him to walk, though he couldn’t imagine why.  He was tired and cold and he just wanted to close his eyes for a while.  If he just closed his eyes then it would all be over and…

“Auron, please!”

And...that would be bad, if it were over.  

He’d be leaving Rikku behind, crying alone on the mountain.  He’d never get to kiss her again, or run his hands over her skin and make her moan in that way where her whole body convulsed deliciously.  He would never hear her laugh or see her smile or listen to her babble on excitedly about anything.  He wouldn’t get to see Tidus or Yuna or any of the others again.  He’d never get to see Iris and Vidina--who had taken such a shine to him--grow up and become powerful, wonderful people like their parents.  He’d promised Iris he’d come back to visit.

He was struck with a sudden moment of clarity, the realization slamming into him almost as hard as the Behemoth had: he wanted to live.  Closing his eyes and fading away would be so easy.  It would end his questions and his suffering and his guilt.  But he would miss out on so much.  He’d already missed out on so much.

“Please,” Rikku was begging through her tears. “Please help me.”

He wanted to help her.  He always wanted to be there to help her.  So he gathered up every bit of residual strength he had, and he pushed himself back up to his feet.  He knew he was clinging to her like a limpet, just barely managing to hold himself upright, but she half-dragged him through the snow, babbling what he was sure was supposed to be reassurances and encouragements.  He couldn’t focus on her words, though, because he was too busy focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.  It took everything he had in him to just keep doing that, until he was suddenly aware of a thick heat all around him.

It was at that moment his body gave up, and he collapsed back down, dragging Rikku with him.  He didn’t have time to offer an apology; he just blacked out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The end! The last chapter!   
> Thank you guys so much for reading and leaving nice comments and taking this journey with me. I hope you enjoyed the ride. It's really nice to know that you can come back to things you loved a long time ago and there will still be people around to enjoy it with you.

Auron came to slowly.

At first, it was just a vague awareness of the world around him; the almost suffocating thick, wet heat of the air, the feel of hard rock underneath his back, his head cradled in someone’s lap and the sensation of gentle hands stroking through his hair and down the side of his face.  Then, he became aware of a voice talking to him, and then the words the voice was saying.

“--sorry I snapped at you.  I should have just told you, you were only asking because you care.  And now you might be dying again and there’s nothing I can do except wait and see if you wake up and I feel so guilty because I snapped at you weeks ago about something stupid.  And...and you can’t die before I tell you I’m sorry, okay?  You can’t die, Auron.”

He wanted to open his eye, to tell her that it was okay, to kiss the tears from her face and hold her, but he almost felt like he was paralyzed.  Maybe he really was dying.

“You see,” she continued, oblivious to his plight, “what happened is that the Calm came and suddenly I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I’d had all these ideas about how my life would go: I’d marry really young and have lots of kids and probably die, because of Sin or a rampaging machina, or fiends.  You name it.  But then...against all odds, we won.  We beat Sin, and you were gone and Tidus was gone and and I realized that I was fifteen years old and there was still all this life left to live.  And suddenly I wanted to seize it.  I wanted to take everything life had to offer and hold it in my hands and enjoy every second of it.”

She sniffled and shifted before returning her attention to stroking his hair.  He wasn’t sure if it was supposed to comfort him or her, but he found it soothing.

“And I did.  I transformed myself into someone else; I acted immature, like the child I never really got to be. I went on salvage missions and I helped Buddy and Brother restore the Celsius.  And we became sphere hunters, and Kimahri found that sphere of Shuyin and I thought it was Tidus and of course I had to bring it to Yuna.  And she was so unhappy there, Auron.  She was following her duty day after day just like she’d always done and it was killing her.  And I knew then that I was right.  I was right to run around and be crazy and get into trouble and do everything I could, because Yuna was miserable.  And I convinced her to come away with me and for a year we had a great time, being sphere hunters.  And then Tidus came back, and Yuna left.”

He felt her lips press against his forehead then, dry and firm.  His fingers twitched.

“And don’t get me wrong.  I love Tidus, he’s my best friend.  He’s the first person who looked at me and didn’t see an Al Bhed.  He just saw Rikku, and he loved me. But when he came back, Yuna fell right back into her life on Besaid, the same old boring day in and day out.  I couldn’t stand it, because I didn’t understand how she could be happy like that.  I couldn’t just sit still and do nothing because I had to do everything.  And I was convinced that she couldn’t be as happy as she was pretending because I couldn’t be happy like that.  And we fought about it.”

She stopped talking for such a long time that he wondered if he just couldn’t hear anymore, but then she sighed, long and deep.

“And we made up afterwards, of course.  Yunie’s my cousin, one of my closest friends, and I love her.  But I guess...I could never really forgive her for finding her happiness.  Which I know is so unfair, because if anyone deserves to be happy it’s Yuna.  But I’m just jealous, I guess. She’s happy and she knows what she wants.  And me, well.  I know what I don’t want.  But figuring out what I do want is harder.  For a long time I thought I was grabbing life by the horns, but more and more lately I’ve been wondering if I’m just wasting my life away, chasing one thing after another until there’s nothing left to chase. And Yuna knows that.  And that’s what’s wrong between us. I’m bitter and jealous because she knows what she wants, and she’s judgmental of my life.  I think she thinks that if I just settle down and start having children I’ll fall into happiness like she did, but I’m not so sure.”

She sighed again, and Auron tried to clench his fists, to work the dull, fuzzy sensation out of them.  He wasn’t sure he quite managed, but it was a step in the right direction.

“I had some flings, you know about that.  With Paine, for a few months after the fight with Yuna.  She was beautiful and didn’t judge me for being wild, and I think, maybe, I liked that she reminded me of you.  But that didn’t work out and I moved on to Gippal.  That went up in flames pretty quick.  And then after that, I didn’t even really want to be with anyone for a while. I just wanted to be on my own. And I was, until you.  And I could see it in Yuna’s face when she found out about us, you know.  She thinks we should get married and have children and Be Happy.”

Auron had never wanted children.  The idea had never even been a blip on his radar.  The closest he had ever come was Tidus, and as much as he loved him, that experience had been enough to scare him off for life.  But he thought that, maybe, if it were with Rikku, it might be okay.

“And I do want that, probably, some day,” she continued. “But even if it were with you, I don’t know that I could be happy like that.  I don’t know that I can just be content with being a wife and a mother.  And that makes me feel like such a bad person, but it’s true. Maybe that makes Yuna happy, and maybe I just have to accept that.  But she has to accept that it won’t be what makes me happy.  Not right now.  Maybe not ever.”

He curled his toes in his boots, frustrated that he couldn’t talk to her.

“And I...I love you.  More than I’ve ever loved anybody before. And I guess I’m just afraid that it’s not enough, and that I don’t know how to be really, truly happy.”

And he couldn’t stand the idea of her, crying by herself in the cave, unsure if he was going to live or die and telling him her secrets.  Telling him she loved him and getting no response.  He wanted to sit up and take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her as well, but it wasn’t to be.  Try as he might, he couldn’t get his body to react beyond minute twitches of his appendages.  He was still too weak from almost bleeding out, and the effort exhausted him so much that he quickly fell back into unconsciousness.

* * *

The next time he awoke, he was pleased to find that his his body was under his command once more.  His head was still pillowed in Rikku’s lap, but she wasn’t talking to him anymore.  Instead, her fingers were pressed up against his neck, over his pulse, like she was afraid if she left him for even a moment he’d die.

His whole body was sore in a way that spoke of mass amounts of healing magic.  Every muscle he had seemed to ache, as if he’d been put through a ringer. Even his eyes ached, when he opened them, and his head felt foggy with a magical hangover.  Still, it was much preferable to the sharp stabbing pain of being gored.

Rikku didn’t seem to notice, at first, that he was awake.  She was staring out into the distance, her posture slumped and her lower lip chewed almost raw.  He wondered how long he’d been unconscious; how long she’d been worrying.

He tried to say her name, but it came out more as a croaked jumble of noise.  It was enough to get her attention, though, and she jumped in surprise, jarring his head and tearing a groan from deep in his chest.

_ “Cunno!” _ she cried, and then, “You’re awake!  How do you feel?”

His answer was a little less garbled than his first attempt at speaking, but not by much.  Rikku winced and grabbed her canteen, helping him take a few sips and wiping away the excess water from the side of his mouth when he was done. It should have been humiliating, to be handled like a child, but in the moment he only found it comforting.

“Sore,” he admitted, when he could manage the words, “But alive.”

“I wasn’t so sure you would be, for a while,” she told him, carefully giving him another drink. “That Behemoth’s horn tore straight through your breastplate and gored your stomach up good.”

“‘Good’ isn’t the word I would have chosen,” he grumbled, and a weak smile broke over her face and her eyes watered.

“You were pretty out of it,” she said, her voice wobbly.  She cleared her throat before continuing. “We’re lucky I was able to convince you to walk.  I never would have been able to carry you on my own.  And then I was doing everything I could to heal you as we walked because I was so afraid you’d bleed out before I got you somewhere safe.”

Her hand drifted up and rested on the cuff he’d given her.  She stroked the edge of one of the feathers gently.

“This thing probably saved your life,” she said. “I don’t think I could have channeled enough magical power without it.  I just kept casting over and over and I should’ve tired myself out but I didn’t.”

“It was worth the haggling, then,” he said, and she laughed weakly.

“Yeah, I guess so. At least it kept you stable long enough until I could make a mix to close the hole up.  And then, well...you just didn’t wake up.  I wasn’t sure if you were going to.” Her eyes watered up again, but this time she didn’t wipe away the tears before they spilled down her cheeks. “I was really scared.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and she shook her head at him, clearly too overcome with emotion to manage words.  He sat up then, even as his sore muscles screamed, and turned so he could grab her up in his arms and pull her into a hug. She leaned into him, pressing her face into his shoulder and letting out a sob that struck him right to his core. Her hands clutched at his bare shoulders, like she wanted to crawl inside him just to be closer.

“I thought you were going to die  _ again _ ,” she said after a few minutes of clinging. “And that I’d just have to watch it happen and…”

“But I didn’t,” he assured, stroking a calming hand up and down her back. “Because of you. You saved my life.”

She sniffled and pulled back to look at him, wiping at her tears with the heel of her hand.  She stared at him for a long moment, looking like she wanted to say too many things and wasn’t sure where to start. In the end, she only managed one thing.

“I love you,” she said resolutely.

“I love you, too,” he responded without hesitation.

Her face crumpled again and she threw herself at him, winding her arms around his neck and sobbing once more.  Bemused, he hugged her, stroking a hand over her hair and rocking her gently until she stopped again.

“I can’t believe you almost died before I got to tell you,” she sniffled. “Before I got to hear you tell me.”

“But I didn’t,” he reminded her. “I’m okay, Rikku.”

“I know,” she said, wiping her eyes again, even as she smiled. “I know I’m being crazy.  But these last few hours have wreaked havoc on my emotions.  Just be thankful you weren’t awake when I was spilling my guts earlier.”

“Actually,” he said wincing a little bit.

“Oh,” she said, her smile dimming. “You heard all that?”

“Yes,” he said honestly. 

“Well...I…” she started, clearly flustered.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” he assured her.

“Okay,” she said, sounding relieved. “Hey, let’s get you cleaned up.  I did my best, but you’re pretty heavy so it took all my effort just to get you undressed.  I had to cut your breastplate off at the straps. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he said. He’d pretty much expected that it was a loss already.  Rikku was great at customization, but there was only so much even she could do with a huge hole.  “Where are we?”

He finally had enough sense to look around, and he was surprised to find that they were in a large cavern, a few feet away from a steaming body of water.  He supposed that explained why it was so humid, even though the wind outside had been freezing.

“Gagazet’s secret hot spring!” Rikku announced, waving her hands in a ‘ta-da!’ gesture. “We were pretty close already and I figured that it was the best place to take you.  I didn’t want you dying of hypothermia while I tried to stop you from dying of blood loss, and the fiends don’t seem to come in here.”

“A hot spring sounds wonderful,” he admitted, his sore muscles pulsing with want.

“All right, then!” she cheered. “Strip down, get in.  We’ll get cleaned up and then spend the night here and if you’re feeling up to it we’ll head out in the morning.”

He nodded in agreement and let her help him into the spring, even though he was fairly sure he could walk on his own.  It was comforting to have her so close, and he knew she was worried and wanted to help.  There was no harm in letting her cling and hover.  

Rikku fretted and fussed over him until he caught her in a bear hug and held her still against his chest.  It took her a few minutes to really calm down, but eventually she settled down and sat quietly.  The warmth of the water did wonders to relieve his soreness, and before long he was nodding off again, still exhausted from all the healing his body had done. It was peaceful and quiet and nice, in the middle of one of the most treacherous places in Spira.  It was like the eye of the storm, and he found himself reluctant to leave it.

When he finally nodded off enough that his head dipped down onto Rikku’s shoulder, they got out.  Apparently Rikku had taken it upon herself to try and scrub the blood from his clothes so they were all wet, but the room was unnaturally warm due to all the steam trapped inside, so he didn’t mind leaving them out to dry overnight.  They settled on the hard ground to sleep, pressed close together for warmth and comfort.  Auron was so exhausted, he hardly remembered laying his head down before he was asleep.

* * *

Auron woke early the next morning, pleased to find that the exhaustion and soreness had finally faded away.  He felt as good as new and the skin where the Behemoth horn had struck was smooth and whole.  If he didn’t know better, he might not believe he’d ever been hurt in the first place.

Rikku didn’t stir when he got up, still drained from the day before, so he let her be.  She’d done a lot more magic than she was used to and spent hours worrying and fretting.  She deserved to sleep a bit more, after everything he’d put her through.

While he waited for her to wake, he took another dip in the hot spring and then dressed.  Rikku had managed to clean the blood out of his coat, which he was thankful for, but his undershirt hadn’t fared quite as well.  It was black, so the stain wasn’t particularly noticeable, but the large hole torn into it just over his abdomen was.   Even worse, his breastplate was beyond salvaging, to the point that it didn’t make any sense to try and keep it.  His coat felt too big, without the bulk of armor underneath it, and furthermore, he had no way to secure his cowl, so he ended up shoving it into one of his pockets instead.  He felt naked.

It was so warm in the cavern that he ended up having to ditch his coat again after a few minutes.  He then spent twenty minutes pacing circles until he realized he was clearly bored and should do something productive instead.  So he dug through his pockets and Rikku’s pack and set about preparing a meal.  “Preparing” might have been a strong word, considering that they were mostly down to field rations and whatever animals they could catch.  On Gagazet, animals were few and far between, so field rations it was.

He ventured outside to scoop some snow into the collapsible pot they’d carried with them all the way from Luca and started a fire with flint and tinder found in one of his many pockets.  It took a few more strikes to get it going than he’d like to admit; he’d gotten too used to mages lighting fires with a wave of their hand. Still, once it was going he set the snow to melt and boil and then finally turned to waking up Rikku.

She mumbled sleepily in Al Bhed when he shook her shoulder, pressing her face into the crook of her arm and turning her back on him.

“I know you’re tired,” he told her. “But we’ve still got a few hours to get down the mountain and to Zanarkand.”

“I know,” she mumbled.

“You don’t have to come,” he told her gently. “If it’s too much, you can go back down and wait with Kimahri or…”

“Come on, Auron, I know you’re not stupid,” she grumbled, sitting up and glaring at him.

“I just thought I’d offer,” he said. “I know this trip has been more than you bargained for.”

“Sometimes in a good way,” she said, shooting him a smile. “Besides, who’s going to keep an eye on you if I go back, Troublemaker?”

“You know, some people believe I’m a fully capable person,” he told her dryly.

“They haven’t met you,” she responded bluntly, and he laughed.

“Water’s almost boiled for tea,” he promised.  Her sleepy smile was the best thing he’d seen all day. 

Once they had eaten, Rikku dressed and readied herself quickly, and before long they were leaving the warmth of the cavern and heading back out into the icy cold winds of the mountain. Almost immediately after leaving the spring they came upon the Fayth Scar, or what was left of it.  All of the Fayth were gone, of course, leaving behind only vaguely humanoid shapes in the rock face.  The water was gone too, though it must not have been water at all.  It looked strange, barren, like the magic had been sucked right out of the core of Gagazet.  He supposed, in a way, it had.  

“I almost cried, the first time I came here after Sin,” Rikku said suddenly. “I was looking for a sphere, before Yunie and Paine joined up, and I came around that corner and I just...I felt so empty.”

“It’s jarring,” he admitted, resisting the urge to reach out and touch the wall.  It was sentimental and pointless.

“I never followed Yevon or liked the idea of the Fayth,” she said. “Human sacrifice is never the answer, if you ask me, and I’m glad they’re free now.  But something about this place…”

“I know,” he agreed. “It just seems desolate.”

“Yeah,” she mused. “It was just...sad, I guess. To see it like this.”

By mutual silent agreement, they stood there and observed for a few minutes before moving on.  They made their way around the scar and through the cave, being extra vigilant about fiends.  The cave was one of the most dangerous places on the mountain, and they’d had enough near-death experiences for one trip.  Between the two of them, though, they managed to stay on alert and watch each other’s backs.  It helped that, like the temples, the trial was disabled and all they had to do was walk through and then up the stairs and down the tunnel until they reached the crest where Yunalesca’s Guardian Beast had roamed for a thousand years.

It was only once he was standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down over Zanarkand, that he felt something settle in his chest.  He couldn’t really explain it: it wasn’t peace, or an answer, or an absolution.  It was just...something that he hadn’t even noticed didn’t fit slotting into place.  Like he couldn’t truly understand this new Spira without seeing an unchanged chunk of the old one.

“It’s not as scary as it used to be, is it?” Rikku asked, her voice hushed as they looked.  

She was right.  With the morning sun shining brightly, they just looked like a bunch of old ruins.  Not like the place where Auron had once lived, or where Jecht had died.  It was just a bunch of old, broken, empty buildings, jumbled together.  There was no more power here, any more than there was power in the any of the temples of Yevon.  Zanarkand was just another place, dead and gone like all those who had inhabited it.

“No,” he agreed. “It’s not.”

Despite this realization and the gnawing knowledge that there were no answers to be found in a city of the dead, they went down.  They had come this far, and Auron felt a yearning need to take the journey all the way to the end.  He had walked this road so many times; with Braska and Jecht, uncertain but determined; on his own, angry and heartbroken; with Yuna and the others, tired and hunted, but their spirits unbroken.  Now, he was here simply for himself.

Someone had installed warp pads along the broken overpass that lead to the stadium, but Auron shook his head when Rikku looked at him questioningly.  This was a journey he had to walk.  It was foolish and sentimental, he knew that now.  It would make no difference whether he walked or warped.  But somehow it would make all the difference in the world.

It took hours to walk the long broken road, climbing up bits of rubble and hopping down on the other side.  The fiends were present and vicious, but not so much that his mind didn’t wander.  His memories seemed to play side-by-side there; fighting fiends on a broken road in tandem with walking side-by-side with Tidus over a man-made dam on their way into the center of the city to watch a sphere or grab some food.

He told Rikku about it, hesitantly pointing out vague areas where he thought certain things might have been, before everything had collapsed and fallen into ruin.  He tried to describe it to her with the few words he had, but she hung on each of them as if they were a precious gift.  They reached the Dome around midday and took shelter by the relative safety of the traveler’s sphere to rest and eat.

“So, we’re here,” Rikku said conversationally as she tore open a package of dried meat. “What now?”

Auron looked at her for a long moment before smirking. “Will you yell if I say I don’t know?”

She rolled her eyes and huffed. “No. But only because I was pretty sure that’s what you would say. You know I’ll follow you anywhere, but...well, we’re at the end of the world, now.  Where do we go after this?  How long are you going to wander like you’re still a restless spirit?”

He paused, her words shaking him to the core.  He hadn’t really thought about it that way before, but in a way she was right. After he’d died he’d wandered nonstop.  He’d spent countless nights in Zanarkand walking the streets aimlessly so that he wasn’t trapped alone with his thoughts and his guilt.  And ever since he’d come back to Spira, he’d done the exact same thing.

“I think I still feel like a restless spirit,” he admitted. “I can’t sit still long enough to find a place I belong, because when I stop for too long my thoughts catch up with me.”

“I get that,” she said. “That happens to me too, you know.  Thoughts about inadequacy and what I’m doing with my life…”

“What the point of being alive is,” Auron added. “And if I even wanted to be.”

“Do you?” she asked, determinedly not looking at him, like she was afraid of his answer.  That was fair, since two days ago he would have had to either lie or tell her no.  But that was before his deathbed epiphany.

“I do,” he said, and she snapped her head up to look at him like she was surprised to hear that. “I nearly died yesterday and it made me realize that I do want to live.”

“Why?” she asked, like she was afraid of his answer.

“Because of you,” he said and when she flinched he added, “But also because I have a family here and I want to see them again.  I want to see the kids grow up and find out what kind of people they are.  I dedicated my first life to Yevon, which was a mistake.  I wasted so much time, and now I realize that this second chance, for whatever purpose, is a gift.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” she said. “I want you around for a long time.”

That answer seemed to satisfy her enough that she didn’t keep pressing him about what they would do next, which was a bit of a relief since he had no answers for her. They finished eating, checked their equipment, and entered the Dome.

Inside, the fiends were worse, as were the memories, played out in real time right before them. He was surprised to find that they weren’t just his, though.  There were, of course, the mocking ones of his first time here, reminding him of his failures.  But there were also others, of summoners come before them.  Some were forgotten to time, never having made it to Yunalesca at the heart of the Dome.  Others were of familiar faces standing tall and regal in every temple in Spira. 

What was most surprising were the memories of their last visit there.  Auron supposed it should have been less disconcerting, having experienced it before, but it wasn’t.  Judging by the way Rikku jumped and moved to stand closer to him, it bothered her as well.   

Some of them were okay to watch, like those of Rikku and Tidus looking so incredibly young as they dashed through the Cloister, laughing as they solved the puzzle.  It was a bit of brightness and fun played over and over forever at the center of destruction and despair, and Rikku smiled when she saw it.  Others, well...

“That’s really creepy,” Rikku muttered, circling around the memory of Yuna healing a deep wound on her memory-self, as if it might suddenly become aware and attack her.  He hummed in agreement and lead her directly to the lift.  There was no guardian fiend this time.  Nothing to fight to make one more show of strength.  Just an old lift that brought them down a dark tunnel to a Fayth statue that had been dead for a thousand years.  It was as they were walking over that statue that another memory burst forth.  

This one made Rikku shriek as she realized what she was looking at, and she squeezed her eyes shut to avoid looking at it.  It was Auron, of course, twenty-five years old and cut open from his forehead to his hip, bleeding freely.  His right eye was gone, leaving only a bloody hole behind.  He didn’t blame her for refusing to look; it was a gruesome sight, and not something he particularly wanted her to see.  But he stood there and watched as his memory self crawled away, running only on hate and anger and determination.

“Auron,” she whimpered.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.”

She shook her head wordlessly, her eyes still squeezed closed, and then she opened them and looked at him. She didn’t flinch.  Rather, her eyes flicked over every inch of his face, like she was making sure that he was okay and uninjured.  

“Let’s go,” she said suddenly, her voice sure and her jaw set tight with determination.

Yunalesca’s audience chamber was bright with the afternoon sun shining through what was left of the high windows. The light revealed how much dust and disrepair the place was in.  He had always vividly remembered it as being dark and foreboding and holy, but now that he looked around it just seemed sad and forgotten.  Just another place that life had moved on without.  They went up the stairs, into the final room; the one that seemed to exist at the end of space and time, opening into a gaping black void, like Sin had ripped a hole in the fabric of the universe when it had torn Zanarkand asunder.

Part of him had expected to walk in and find Yunalesca there, waiting to sneer and calmly tell him how hope was useless.  Instead, oddly, he just found a lot of monkeys.  It was a bit jarring, to see it like that.

This was the room where he had been killed.  Where had come back and avenged himself, and his friends.  This was the room where he had watched Yuna and Tidus decide to change the world, and where he had encouraged them all to help.  It was a place that held so much meaning for him.  So many of his feelings and the turning points in his life lives suspended forever in this endless black void.  

But now, standing there, it was just a room.

“I expected it to feel different,” he said, finally.

“Different how?” Rikku asked.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I suppose I just thought...I would come here and have some clarity.  That I would see something differently than I had before.  But it’s just a big empty room.”

“Yeah,” Rikku agreed quietly. “It is.”

“I think...maybe...that’s what all of this is,” Auron said.

He went to stand at the edge of the hole where Yunalesca’s glyph had once glowed menacingly.  That place where she weaved magic to make one Fayth after another, just so that they could be possessed by her father’s spirit and become Sin anew.  It was nothing now, just a hole.

“What’s what all of this is?” Rikku asked, edging toward him slowly like she was afraid he might jump.

“I’ve spent this whole time looking for some higher meaning,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve been searching for a purpose, wondering what value my resurrection must have.  But I think I’ve been placing arbitrary meaning into it this whole time, just like I’ve been placing arbitrary meaning into this place.”

“I don’t know what you mean,”  Rikku admitted. “And you’re kind of scaring me.  Can you back away from the hole, please?”

He did as she asked because he didn’t want to worry her.  He had no intentions of jumping, he was just marveling at his own epiphany.

“You had the answer the entire time,” Auron said, shaking his head in exasperated amusement at his own hard-headedness. “You said it that night in Luca, didn’t you? No one’s life has a higher meaning.  We’re all just stumbling around blindly, trying to figure what to do with ourselves because there is no greater purpose. We just live and we make it work.”

“Well,” Rikku said hesitantly. “Yeah.  I mean...we just live our lives the best we can, right?  We figure it out as we go.”

“‘This whole time, you’ve had the answer,” Auron snorted, shaking his head. “And I’ve been too stupid to listen.  Too arrogant and convinced that something about me was special, that there must be something more.”

“I don’t have any answers!” Rikku insisted nervously. “You heard me yesterday.  I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t even know if I’m living my life the right way!”

“I don’t either,” Auron told her, laughing so hard that it made his diaphragm hurt.  It took several minutes of near-hysterical laughter before he could continue. “I have no purpose!  I’m supposed to figure it out on my own, but I’ve been chasing ghosts across Spira.  It took me several months and almost dying just to figure out that I want to live, and I have to figure out how to do that on my own just like everyone else.”

Rikku giggled suddenly, like she finally figured out what he was saying.

“Life is only as meaningful as we make it!” she said and he nodded.

“Yes!” he said. “We aren’t going to find it here in this dead city or begging for it in the Farplane.  We just have to...figure it out.  Make it work.”

“Live our lives how we want to, until we want to live them differently,” she added.

“Exactly!” Auron said.

“Exactly,” she responded, and then, “Hey Auron?

“Hmm?” he asked, staring out at the edges of nothing and wondering why he always had to walk to the end of the world to figure out the answers.

“Right now, I want to live my life with you,” she said.

“Me too,” he agreed, turning to her and sweeping her into a kiss, feeling lighter than he had in ages, even as he knew it wasn’t a permanent fix.

He knew he wanted to live, now, but he still had a whole load of baggage he carried around with him.  Guilt and anger and trauma, all bundled up inside of a body that had been pulled apart and remade too many times.  He still had no idea what to do with himself, or where he would be next month, or next year.  He had no goals or aspirations. For the first time in his life, he had no master to serve.  He didn’t know what the future held or how he was supposed to deal with it.

All he knew, right now, was that he was in love with a woman who loved him back.  He had a family and friends who loved him, and a new purpose to figure out.  It wouldn’t all come easy.  It wouldn’t all be happy.   But he thought as long as he had moments like this--light, happy moments--that he could get through the rest.

“Hey Auron?” Rikku said when they pulled apart, pressing their foreheads together in a loving, intimate gesture.

“Yes, Rikku?”

“Let’s go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you've come this far I would really appreciate a comment, even if it's just a smilie face or a quote of a line you really liked. Those of us in rarepair hell have to stick together, right?


End file.
